Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it.

[AngelfireRN]

Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.

Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.

Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.

I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.

No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.

No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".

No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.

NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).

No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).

No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.

No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.

I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!

Have fun!

[registerednut1221]

1. Yes, you are on a lot of medications. Yes, I want you to take all of them. No, none of them are poison. We are not trying to make you sick so we can keep you here longer. Yes, I understand that you were perfectly healthy before you called 911 before you nearly fell over dead. I understand that you weren't taking ANY medications before coming here, but YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL, HOW WAS THAT WORKING FOR YA?

2. If you're capable of reaching your mouth to eat, then you should be capable of reaching your own rear end to clean it.

3. Just because I am wearing the same uniform as your nurse, that doesn't mean I am YOUR nurse. I don't know you. I have no idea where your pain medication is. I had no idea mama was even on the bedpan, let alone that she had been calling for 3 hours (there must be some sort of time warp in the hospital) to get off it.

4. No, I don't mind coming in RIGHT NOW to pull the cover up on your loved one (because it surely requires an RN for that type of "procedure")...that is if you don't mind running to the other end of the hall to tell me why that patient isn't breathing. I should be done here by the time you get back.

5. Yes, I know the food here is crap. Sure...go on and bring your diabetic renal family member that fried chicken, chocolate cake and orange juice that they love so much and while you're at it, why don't you come on back tonight, we'll probably need the help while we're coding their @$$.

6. Yes, you figured out our secret. We draw labs every day so that eventually you'll lose enough blood that we can charge you for putting it back in.

7. No, of course we're not trying to wean your loved one off that ventilator. He just looks so comfortable we thought we'd let him keep it.

8. I have no idea why nana is so confused, could be that she's 102 years old. Yes, I understand that she never had been confused prior to being in the hospital. I'm sure she was completely in her right mind when she stole that car and was getting ON to that major highway via the OFF ramp just before she hit that car head-on. Yes, we really did tie her up with duct tape, put her in the shower and let the pigs chew on her knuckles last night.

Oh, man....I could do this all night! LOL!!!

[showbizrn]

AngelfireRN said:

Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this:

Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

Have fun!

WAIT A MINUTE!

In Psych Nursing at the bedside or inpatient, I DO tell my patients

This statement represents reality orientation AND limit-setting.

(I also TEACH this to my R.N. students)

Of course, attached to this statement is a clear description of the duties and functions I DO PERFORM in order to provide safe, prudent and nurturing patient care.

And I'll stand in anybody's court to defend my statements---ANYTIME.

Let's not get it twisted---FIRM and STRAIGHTFORWARD is NOT verbal abuse!

SHOWBIZRN

[showbizrn]

"No, your insurance does NOT cover my services. The fee is $250 an hour and the clock is ticking.":lol2:

[Justhere, BSN, RN]

No you are not paying the bill, I am! because you are on Medicaid and are popping babies out faster than we can catch them.

[MrsCannibal]

The Bell Jar said:

The second time you use your call light for something you are able to do for yourself,like pull your blanket up,fluff your pillow lift your glass to your lips with your perfectly fine hands, your call light will distribute a minor electrical shock to you kind of like a cattle prod.

But more importantly,I would like to tell one or two of my co workers that they are ugly on the inside.

Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ROFL!!!!!

[clee1]

I actually did this:

We have a frequent flier; an alcoholic, drug-seeking, elderly man. He ALWAYS goes AMA within 12 hrs of admission.:angryfire

He presented to the ER one early Friday night, ETOH intoxicated, w/ c/o CP (which he has learned gets him a shot or two of morphine). Not this time! He has been totally worked up numerous times for CP - nada. On this occasion, after screening, labs, and an ECG, the night hospitalist admits him to Med/Surg on tele at about 3am, just to get his unruly, demanding azz out of the ER. Here's the icing on the cake: NO medication orders, NPO, bedrest, and immediate d/c orders if he leaves the floor to go smoke.

Anyway, this PIA is on the call bell every 3-4 minutes, demanding pain meds, food, etc. He wasn't even my pt this admission, but everyone on the floor was tiring of answering the bell and telling him "no, the Dr. didn't order you any meds" (or diet, etc.)

At about 4:30am, I had had enough! :devil: Marching into his room and closing the door, I approached the head of his bed. Putting both hands on the mattress and leaning down to about a foot from his face, I said: "Mr. XXXX, let me share a little something with you. We've got your number! We know why you are here, and guess what? You ARE NOT getting any narcotics here today, nor are you going to be fed. The doctor didn't order you anything, and we can't give you anything w/o orders. So.... quit being a pain in the azz, stay off the call bell, and if you don't like it you can carry your drunk, dope-seeking azz out of here!":trout:

At 7:15am, during report, this "pt" was last seen headed for the elevator - his tele unit and INT laying on the bed he had occupied. This pt has NOT been back to the hospital since!

As an afternote: On the way to work one night about a month later, I saw this fellow at the convenience store where I stop to get gas. He was buying (what else?) a six-pack of tall-boys. :idea:Greeting him by name, I said, "Hi there, Mr. XXXXX. You be sure to be really careful tonight, because the hospital is full and we might have to send you down to XXXXX (nearest charity hospital, 45 miles away - a miserable cesspool under the best of conditions) if you come in tonight! Worked like a charm.

[rph3664]

bagladyrn said:

(You picked him, not me!).

You can't say that to people who AREN'T your patients.

I almost said something like that recently to a woman I know who is highly educated and mostly associates with ex-convicts. I wisely kept my mouth shut because a comment like that would probably get me shot (figuratively speaking, of course).

[rnmomtobe2010]

RosalindRN said:

To the obese pt...no I won't be getting you out of bed for the first time so you can fall on me...... Also, dont get mad when it takes me 20 minutes to hunt down four other pep strong enough to turn your big azz and put you on the bedpan.(common complaint of 350lbs plus pts.)

If you called me for nausea meds(phenergan ofcourse) then no I won't be getting you those snacks you wanted....nauseated pep shouldnt eat graham crackers and peanut butter.

To the pts threatening to leave AMA after berating all the staff because we won't cater to your every need .......Dont let the door hit you where the good lord split you....PEACE OUT!!

To the irrate patients that scream..."I'll never come to this hospital again"............ You promise? I mean, can I get that in writing?

No I won't get your husband a Tylenol and no I won't change your disabled incontinent family members brief.....YOU are my patient and we're not running a 2 for 1 special today.........Thank you, exit left.

To all impatient families and patients...yeah I may be big but there isn't really two of me...I cant be in two places at one time. Sit down, shut up, and take a number

Damn right!

[angel4gramma]

Please use the medicine cup to place the pills in your mouth instead of trying to put them in your hands and decide which one you want to try first. I do not have time to search the bed and floor to see which ones you dropped.

I'm sorry your Doctor promised you a private room. I am sure after you complain to him he will turn to me and ask me to do what is necessary to get you a private room.

[Dolce, RN]

--To the very unhelpful family members who accompany patients: please do not try to engage me in conversation about your own health problems. If I wanted to hear about your health history I would have asked about it to YOU. Do not interrupt my health history interview with the patient to share details about your own history. Quite frankly, I don't care!

--The jobless patients who are "living off the system" and forget to check their own blood sugars make me crazy! I ask them, "Why haven't you checked your blood sugars for over a month?" Response: "Its really hard to remember." ??? Why is it hard to remember if all you are doing during the day is watching TV?

--I actually do say to the patients that make negative comments about the hospital and compare it to the excellent experience that they had at the last facility, "Why don't you go there next time?"

[rph3664]

Dolce said:

-The jobless patients who are "living off the system" and forget to check their own blood sugars make me crazy! I ask them, "Why haven't you checked your blood sugars for over a month?" Response: "Its really hard to remember." ??? Why is it hard to remember if all you are doing during the day is watching TV?

What about the diabetic healthcare professionals who don't check their sugars, eat candy by the pound, smoke, defiantly refuse to lose weight, etc.?

I've certainly seen plenty of that.

[BabyScanner82]

ruby vee said:

First, sitting at the bedside 24/7 is not an indication of supportiveness. It is often an indication of guilt based on the poor relationship the family has had with the patient for years. and it usually indicates a family that is a pain in the posterior.

Second, this is a vent thread. It is rude to come into a vent thread and admonish folks for venting.

Thank you Ruby Vee!!