Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it. - Page 250

Yes I understand that people say things off the cuff when they are angry, but a behavioral health unit that you are trying to be discharged from is not the place to say you would like to kill someone and dont care about the consequences. Oh wait, I did say that to someone...

Want to know why your baby is screaming and won't stop? Try going without your drug of choice [you know, the one your baby was exposed to for 9 months] for a good long time and see how you feel.

Yes I know that we reprimanded you for punching another patient in the face after that patient punched a staff member in the face, but in all honesty I wish you would have punched harder and I was cheering inside when you did it.

If your entitled a** tries to hit me ONE more time, I will snap that fist off at the wrist.

What I actually said: "I understand that it is inconvenient for you to pick your aunt up from the hospital today and you will not be back in town until next Tuesday. However, there is nothing more we can do for her medically, and the Dr. has written discharge orders. As the DPOA, you have discussed discharge options with the social worker on several occasions and have opted to bring her home with you rather than seek nursing home placement. She does not qualify for SNF as she has been declining to work with PT and will not eat or drink. You were told that she would be discharged sometime this weekend. Yes. I understand that it is a holiday weekend. If there is no one else that can pick her up and care for her until your return, I guess we will see you Tuesday."

What I wanted to say: We are neither an adult daycare service nor a nursing home, we are an acute care medical floor, and we could use the bed. I cannot guarantee medicare will pay for the remainder of her stay as she has no reason to be here and will most likely be changed to OBV status. Furthermore, how do you expect to be able to provide total care to your aunt once she comes home if you can't even bother to be available to take her home from the hospital? This seems like a potential neglect situation to me. But the good news is, we now have 2 more days to involve the social workers in assessing the situation further, and you will most likely receive a visit from the Dept of Health and Senior Services after we hotline you just to make sure everything is ok at home. Have a great vacation, and we will see you on Tuesday!

To a pt's family member: I seriously doubt you'd pass "the nursing test" just because you've "been in and out of hospitals so much."

Also, please DO NOT touch the ventilator settings. (I actually did say this loud and clear...This same family member offered to "mess around" with the vent whenever it beeped.

Go ahead and throw that remote at me. I'll be MORE then happy to call the police and file you for harassment charges. Along with a thousand other charges that I'm sure we can all come up with. So please throw it at me now! NOW!

and to the woman that listens to everything you say- "Yes. I did say I'll be happy when you are discharged from here. You have been nothing but a pain in the butt and next time you wanna play with drugs please do it in another state."

I have had to say this too. Why do people think they can just touch stuff? I don't just walk into a restaurant and go put my order in on the computer at Chili's.

unquestionably, i agree with you, sometimes they don't realize by them touching the equipment or fooling around with any medical machine, they give us more work to do on account of their good intentions

So sorry, when I saw your heartrate was 180 on telemetry, the emergency light from the bathroom was wailing and you didn't answer my knock on your bathroom door - I didn't realize your girlfriend (not you wife who brought you to the hospital with chest pain, but your girlfriend) was.....um......'servicing' you. Totally understandable. After all a man has needs. You'd been in the hospital a whole THREE HOURS!