Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it. - Page 244

Lady, you left your mom at a nursing home for five years, and proceeded to go on with your life.

Don't come charging in like a wild boar when she begins her decline, and start screeching at me every weekend.

Wave your hands in my face one more time and I will snap them off and stick them neatly where they belong.

To the 18 y/o who thought he was being witty when all he was being is ugly and stupid,"No, you are not being particularly bright. I feel bad for your parents. I don't care if you are an ass from here until the end of my shift. At the end, I get to go home...without YOU, so you continue to be your usual nasty spoiled self and have a nice day."

Well, gee- if wifey says not to disturb you then I guess I won't lay a hand on you to assess. After all, you just have a mystery pneumonia- nothing serious. I'm sure you were trying to have sex and I interrupted you.

Oh, and wifey, if you don't move your well dressed butt out of my way while I draw your hubby's labs I'm going to have to squirt you with blood. (Seriously, she sat 2 inches from me while I was trying to draw from his PICC- she sat there sipping water and holding his hand like he was a child).

Hey wifey, your hubby isn't too good looking to me, he looks pretty ill. Plus, see this little diamond on my left hand? Yeah, I know it's not as glorious as yours...I know, I know.... don't worry.

(This to the young, very well to do couple- the husband got some weird PNA while on the west coast. The wife seemed to think assessments weren't needed, they "just wanted to be left alone" funny how when he was my patient the other night and she wasn't there, those assessments were fine, and so were the 3 apple juices I busted my rear to get him as I was on my way off shift....yeah, thanks alot pallie!)

I had a resident call me a ****** because I wiped his ass after he **** himself. I would have loved to say "no, wiping your ass to clean the **** out of it, so that you don't develop an infection or start to reek of **** all the time does not make me a ******, and it's none of your god damned business even if I was."

"I can respect that you finally put your grandfather on hospice care. Very noble. But why, why, why, did you then bring him to the ER when he stopped breathing, and tell us to maintain his hospice status?"

When you fall over your own feet and fall flat on your face downtown, don't loudly announce to me that you are going to sue the city, the owner of the business you fell in front of, and the people who witnessed the fall. For one thing, you have no obvious injuries...for another, I document things you say very, very well. I will also be sure to document that you are wearing your son's shoes and he is a few sizes bigger than you and that you said your shoes were untied when you fell. Good luck with your lawsuit. :-)

You are still alert and oriented. Please explain to your DPOA that it doesn't kick in until you are not.

Oh I so wish I could say that!!!!!!!!

"No, the hospital ER visit doesn't include complimentary meals and taxi rides home."

You know what, I'm not giving you those PRNs together because I know you just want them to get high. I've seen you high when you tried to hand me the ball of your pain. You can cuss me out, still won't. Threaten to tell my boss, hey that's fine my boss today agrees fully with me!