Things pts say that make you scratch your head.

I had the parent of a neuro-devastated pediatric patient (who had been that way since birth but had survived a long time) tell me that the child had a drug problem and they were homosexual. The parent was not joking or being sarcastic.

Mom of my 3y/o pt: What's his temperature?

Me: 98.3

Mom: oh my god, it's going up!

Me: um, going up from what? That's a very normal temperature.

Mom: you need to get a different nurse in here. You and I are not communicating.

Me: ???

"Unhook me from that IV pole, I feel like a damn pin cushion"

- IV heroin drug user with multiple admissions for cellulitis

"I CAN'T *************** breathe!!!!"

- Normally shouted at about the volume of a jet engine taking off.

I work same day surgery, (out patient surgery). A healthy intelligent appearing adult male was having hernia surgery. In pre-op I was telling him something about he would get to take our slipper socks home.

He said "But I won't be able to walk after surgery!"

I was really speechless, I assume he thought he would be bed bound for ???several days??? post op? I could hardly keep a straight face as I tried to calmly convince him we would not send him home until he could walk (although we would take him to his car in a wheel chair) and that walking about the house would be encouraged after surgery.

No he was not having a spinal!

Speaking with a guardian on the phone regarding their grandchild in my care at school.

Guardian: What's her temperature?
Me: 99.3
Guardian: OMG! I'm on my way to take her
To the doctor right now before she has a febrile seizure!

As a school nurse they are always overprotective or I'm having to send the school officer to their home to wake them up to make them come get their kid running a 103 temp with them asking me "Can't I just give them Tylenol and send them back to class?" I would love to have something in the middle for once! Lol

I had a patient that was a "vegan" and trying to order lunch from a heart healthy menu. There are some high sodium items that you can't have with this diet, pizza and pancakes being two of them.

BREAKFAST

Patient: Call the doctor, they won't let me order pancakes. They are telling me I need to order French toast.

Me: You don't like French toast?

Patient: No, I don't eat fetuses and French toast is full of them!

LUNCH

Patient is again having trouble with the menu.

Me: What are you trying to order?

Patient: (goes on rant about not being able to eat, this, that, cheese, and bread) All I want is a cheese pizza!

Me: ??

Had a pt come in from ER to the floor with a BP of something like 210/110. The pt was on Cardene, and of course the ER sent them up with about 10cc of Cardene left in the bag. (The gtt was already at 100ml/hr, 10mg/hr)

While I'm rushing trying get another bag and hang it the pt angrily says "I'm hungry! I've been sitting in that damned ER all day with no food. What y'all got up here??...when ya gonna feed me?!"

Me: I slide over the BP machine and say see your BP? You could have a stroke, let me start the meds before I can get you something to eat

Pt: HMMMMMMMMMMM!

My thoughts: W T F is wrong with you lady???

COPD'er with no known family, just off the vent after 4 days.


Pt: No. I don't smoke.

Me: Did you smoke in the past?

Pt: I used to hang on to a cigarette almost all day, but I never inhaled.

Me: A lit cigarette? Did you bring it to your lips? How many a day would you light?

Pt: Yes, lit. Of course I brought it to my mouth but I didn't take a deep breath while it was there, it just sat between my lips when I needed my hands. I usually used 1-2 packs a day. I'm a very nervous person and I needed my hands to be busy all the time.

Obviously, attempts at eduction were rebuffed.