More Things You'd Love to be Able to say to Patients - page 3

Tell you what you take that oxygen off one. more. time and de-sat to 60% I will duct tape it to your head! I know where our supply is!

I'm so glad we don't have "Customer service surveys" here.

I get away with this-

"I'M GOING AMA!!!"

"K. Here's a box."

-What the f*** do you think this is, Mcdonalds?
-Sorry, I had more serious patients I had to attend to. Oh, you want to leave after ONLY an hour? Go ahead! An hour's not a long time to wait for results in the ER, but if you want to be a jerk about it, be my guest.
-There are some people that personify the term useless eater, and you are one such person.

~Oh you want to go AMA. Please do. Let me close my eyes, count to ten. Now while I'm counting you run for that door and don't look back.

~Oh I'm sorry, you want me to talk to you. Ok I just spent an hour in here talking with you. Really you need me again, life or death? Sure what's wrong? Oh you just wanted to tell me you needed juice. Yeah, sorry I think about 4 others need me for an hour. So maybe your "life or death" juice will come in about 4 hours.

Oh you're allergic to morphine and zofran? All you can have is dilaudid and phenergan? Riiiiiigggghhhhhtt.

And more recently to my pt with uncontrollable pain and nausea from pancreatitis......how were those chili cheese fries from sonic? Nauseated? You don't say, here's the McFlurry that your wife hid in the bathroom, maybe that will make you feel better.

I had a patient ask me, "Why do so many of you keep asking me the same questions? I'm just curious."

He was referring to the fact that each shift a different nurse was asking the same assessment questions. The doctors and therapists would also ask many of the same questions.

I said, "Well, I just like to hear in your own words what brought you to the hospital. I could go read the chart, but things get changed when other people tell the story, so I thought I'd just ask you myself."

I REALLY wanted to say, "Well, I just got report 5 minutes ago and I know what you've said 15 different times which happens to be a different story every single time. So many different people ask you the same questions because we like to catch all your lies!"

Of course, I didn't say that. This patient had made up a seriously wild story that we all knew was not the truth. I'm certain that's why he was concerned about so many people asking questions because he had probably forgotten parts of his story.

If you were as diligent as turning your loved one as you want us to be, every 2 hours down to the minute, then they wouldn't be in here with an unstagable pressure ulcer on their butt.

Where were you when your loved one was drinking and drugging themselves into malignant hypertension that caused the CVA that caused him to be this way? And now you want to micromanage his care? Ok.

I'm sorry, but your son, with a blood sugar of 24, temp of 103, that is puking on himself and trying to kick the crap out of me is more of a priority than getting you a damn cot and blankets right now. And, yes, I will be in and out of the room all night with the lights on, to check and make sure he's stable.

Pt asks for coffee for the 13th time during a time when you're down 2 LNAs and Pt down the hall is in respiratory distress.

"You're all set"

"Do I look like a waitress to you?"