I snapped at work and... I dont know what to do...

[hazyblue]

uh, help? Sorry in advance for posting here but I just dont have any social support to turn to...

Today, I believe I just had a mental breakdown at work today. Note that I am already very unhappy with my department and I had already requested for transfer but I had to stay for a few months because one of my co-workers is on maternity leave. Back at present, I was terminating a session for a dialysis patient and while I was removing the fistula needles, my gloves got stuck on a tape which in turn got stuck on one of the needles which in turn got pulled out accidentally. I used my thumb to compress the insertion site in lieu of a gauze because I still haven't prepared it and my other hand is still stucked with the other needle. My patient asked another staff nurse to get the gauze and he gave me big one. I didn't use it because I can't fit it on spot without moving the other fistula needle. I don't want to accidentally scrape my patient's vein. He saw what I didn't do and he said stuff in his local language. He said "stefrala" which is a local bad word. I got offended and as I've mentioned before I have a lot of unhappiness contained and so I said a bad word without bothering use my own native language. It was the F word. Anyway, he told our head nurse who went on the scene of crime. I was too agitated to make any statement except for "You can use bad words against me but I can't". Yeah. I know, totally unprofessional of me.

As a conclusion for my head nurse, she told me that I'm a psych patient and I'll never succeed even if I got transferred. Nope, not on any department. And she told me to call the Nursing Director....I did something.... better(?)..... I took all of my things and went to the Nursing Director's office personally wherein I told the Director that it's okay to fire me. (I don't use the word resign....I don't have any money to pay for a breach in contract)

I was too emotional back then. I cried in front of the director when she was asking me for details and the only thing that I could say to her was "I don't know anymore." "I should be fired because I've turned into a bad person" blah blah snivel snivel. Anyway she said it's normal to be angry and gave me time to cry and said I'll be transferred by Monday and left me alone. No word about getting fired. I wonder if she still wont fire me if she finds out that I didn't return to my unit. Yes, I just walked out. I was going to jump out of the window to avoid facing her secretary but I found out that her office is kind of in the second floor....

I wanted to return to work because there's just three of us, staff, and a total of twenty dialysis patients. FYI, I left 1 hour right after the start of my shift and it was during the turnover of patients.

My tears stopped flowing now but I still dont know what to do. I dont know how to go to work tomorrow. I don't know. I just dont know. I don't how to pick the pieces of myself. I dont think I can find the pieces at all. I don't anymore. I don't know how to resign and do the hospital a favor. I don't know what to say to my family.

God, I should have gone to the psychiatrist was back when I started to get moody even if it means I don't have to eat in order to buy drugs......

[caliotter3]

You need to take care of yourself before you worry about the job. Call in sick and see your physician.

[hazyblue]

God, why does it always have to end with me seeking a doctor... right now I probably need all the money to pay for breach of contract. Now that I think about it, I dont know how to find another job. I don't think I could get another job. I highly doubt that I'll get a certificate of employment let alone a recommendation letter. How am I suppose to fill in the employment gap? How can I hide the fact that I'm this nurse that has a mental breakdown. I know that no one wants to hire a mentally sick nurse.

I feel plummeted into mud and I don't know how to get up.

[tri-rn]

Go see your therapist NOW. PLEASE. For your own sake.

[juzme]

:hug: 1st of all, take a deep breath! really that does help....right now you are in panic mode, it's sounds like. It is like a panic attack, this will pass and you will be able to think clearly. Now no doubt, your nursing director has seen this before(a nurse having a difficult time) and if you talk with the ND and be honest about what you are going through, maybe you both can come up with an alternative to being in that unit. Please take care of yourself.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

Obviously this is too fresh to come up with a course of action. For now, today, Saturday, call your physician and talk with the on call nurse or doctor. Then, take their advice. Tomorrow is a new day, it will look better tomorrow. For what its worth, I've accidentally pulled out needles too, not the end of the world. Please take care of yourself.

[sharpeimom]

every county in my state has an emergency medical staff, including psychiatrists, who are available

for emergency consultation, and for indigent patients. i'll bet your county has something similar in

place. sometimes you just can't worry about breach of contract, because you and your health come

first because they must!

look in your local phone book (usually right in the front, and sometimes the "important numbers"

section is colored. our phone book has them colored blue.) for the number of emergency mental

health services and/or a help hotline. i live in a very rural area and all free healthcare is channelled

through the board of health.

don't put this off because you're embarassed, short of money, or whatever because it's too important!

there are lots of things worse than coming mentally unraveled because you're stressed out.

please stay in touch with us! feel free to pm me if you would like and we can talk some more.:hug:

[NRSKarenRN, BSN, RN]

Most employers have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to deal with work related stress.

NOW is the time to call them. I've also pulled out IV's due tape sticking to glove on subclavian lines....

Please ask for assistance today. :hug:

We need you whole again.

[hazyblue]

Thank you all. I tried looking up for an emergency contact yesterday but to no avail. The nearest hospital in my place is the hospital I work on and....well...I don't want to be in there. It doesn't matter anyway because apparently we don't have an in-house psychiatrist/psychologist. There is this other hospital but...let's just say I am a baffled foreigner here. I searched the internet for English-speaking ones but they are available by phone call only and I don't feel like talking to the phone. Actually, I replied late in this thread because I start tearing up whenever I read a post. Anyway, I just spent the rest of the day feeling heavy and some other stuff until I fell asleep.

Today, I've woken up still down but the time is nearing for my shift again and, how about that, I seemed to have entered a manic phase. And because of the turn of events, I got my roommate to tell my head nurse to give me the day off. Yes, I still don't know what to do and you could say that I'm running away from the problem.... but it's just that I have this feeling that I don't even want to breathe the same air as the staff of that place I called hell...

However, I managed to locate a nearby psychiatrist this morning and I have an appointment this afternoon.... and again I don't know what to do...I've never been to therapy before...what do I do there?...I'll probably be more worried about this appointment but my depression is kicking in again....

Sorry entire nursing community for being a terrible nurse.

[nursefrances, BSN, RN]

Hugs to you hazyblue. :hug: Go to your appointment. Hope it helps. :) Do not appologize to us, we are here for you, to hold your hand and give you a virtual hug and to listen when you vent. It is therapeutic to vent. Take care. You are in my prayers. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

[Crispy Critter]

Hello, Hazyblue. Just wanted to know how you're doing. We care about you, and some of us know what you're going through. Please update us when you can.

[leslie :-D]

i agree with crispy critter...would love to hear from you.

you are a person (not a nurse...a person) in crisis and you desperately need help.

not facing your challenges, will only add to your feelings of failure and disappointment.

if you haven't done so already, please call your nsg director to give/get an update.

you have lots of people here, more than willing to support you...

because you're worth it (sorry, i sooo didn't mean to sound like the l'oreal commercial.)

much love, honey.

you can do this.:hug:

leslie