Not long ago if another nurse rolled her eyes when you gave report, cut you off while you were asking a question, or ignored you when said you needed help wasting a narcotic, she would have been called the "b" word that rhymes with "itch," (hereafter referred to as "witch" in deference to the Terms of Service.)
Today she's more likely to be called another "b" word--"bully."
Some propose that a bully is nothing more than a witch writ large, that the roles differ primarily by degree. If that were true, we might expect to see government bodies considering anti-witchiness legislation and mounting campaigns against crabby and crotchety behavior similar to the anti-bullying measures they're crafting now. Nip surliness in the bud so it never goes any further. Or so that line of thinking would suggest.
That line of thinking is wrong.
What makes bullying more than incivility on steroids?
Bullying frequently (though not always) involves an imbalance of power. An instructor over a student. A manager over an employee. A person who is physically stronger or who has greater resources over another who can't fight back without great risk or who can't fight back at all. Bullies frequently single out a vulnerable individual and communicate to bystanders that they, too, can come under fire if they choose to get involved.
Bullies have an agenda. They aren't just gruff or full of guff. They're out to get you. They make threats, implying--or telling you outright--that your grade or your job or your safety is on the line. They make it known that they have it in for you, with or without a precipitating cause. Just the fact that you showed up might be reason enough. Even if they can cite a "valid" motive, their response is out of proportion. They don't just want to tease or embarrass you. They're after pure humiliation and fear.
Bullies are often relentless. There's no negotiating with someone who wants to keep you in their cross-hairs. You can't patch things up with a person who says your presence, or even your existence, is the problem.
By contrast, people who are simply rude and obnoxious aren't trying to extort something from you or get you fired or see that you flunk out of school. They may well outrank you and treat you unfairly at times, but that's because they handle their authority poorly, not because they intend to cause you harm.
The cantankerous can snit and snort and snarl like dogs, but they don't paint a target on your back and hound you till you fear for your personal or professional safety. They might ruin your lunch break but they aren't out to take you down. The grumpy rarely have a grudge against just one person, while the bully's focus is narrowed to an individual or a small group.
Another person's witchiness can hurt. A lot. But discomfort isn't damage. And much as we might like to deny our own feet of clay, most of us will admit to having a few witchy moments (days) ourselves. I don't think we'd say the same about bullying.
Confusing rudeness with bullying creates an atmosphere in which the recipients feel far more victimized than the situation deserves. They think, "Oh, no! I'm being bullied!" rather than, "Who peed on her cornflakes?" This mindset can generate fear when irritation is more appropriate and can actually invite further bad behavior.
Loutish classmates or co-workers are just asking for others to stand up to them, refuse to be cowed by their snarkiness, and set some limits (not always wise with a bully). The whole group can benefit when the ill-tempered are called on their bad behavior. But if you convince yourself that you're dealing with a bully when you're not, you'll probably back away and start feeling oppressed.
Some of this misunderstanding can be traced to a lack of security and confidence in people who are more used to dealing with praise than with correction. Grouchy responses can feel like outright hostility if you are accustomed to a high level of affirmation and reassurance. Even simple, non-malicious disagreement can be perceived as bullying when the delivery is blunt.
Wouldn't we all be better off if everyone was kinder and gentler?
We might, but with political correctness already running amok, imagine the morass of legislation and litigation it would take to enforce a "niceness" mandate.
Genuine bullying is, unfortunately, a horrible reality in this world, and its solutions are fodder for many more articles. But, surely, the first step is to strip away distraction, oversimplification, and inaccurate claims. Referring to merely disagreeable behavior as bullying muddies the waters when the real thing comes along. If superiors get handed enough unwarranted complaints, if students and staff members have cried "Bully!" when what they really meant was, "She's such a witch!"--the powers that be may not investigate fully or take true aggression seriously.
Adults need to learn the difference between someone who makes them feel bad and someone who poses a real threat to their well being.
Witchiness and bullying aren't the same thing. And the distinction is worth preserving.
READ
How To Spot a Workplace Bully, Part One
How To Spot a Workplace Bully, Part Two
