Emilie, Darling girl.
I, too, lost a son. I know that it emcompasses every single thought you have every single day. My loss was in 1995. I went to nursing school in 1998, graduated in 99. I still had two children, my daughter Sam who was 12 at the time, and my son Nick who is the twin of my deceased son, Alex. Nick was four when I graduated. An ugly ugly ugly divorce prevented me from taking the boards back in 99 or even 2000. Before I realized it, 8 years had gone by. I worked, sure...but more in a medical assistant capacity, as opposed to the LPN I wanted to be after graduating.
I took my NCLEX last week. I passed it, honey, and you will too. I did it after 8 years out of school. You CAN do it. I will be more than happy to go over MY secrets with you. I prepared in six weeks time...six weeks...after eight long years and was more than ready to take the NCLEX. In fact, I walked out of there extremely confident that I passed. I didnt sign up for a fancy, expensive course. I used exactly THREE books to prepare myself. I read these forums...a LOT! (If you notice, I joined here in 2002 but only recently started posting...I spent a LOT of those years reading...and wishing I was a nurse just like these other people were).
Your loss was so recent, I can understand why you feel so overwhelmed. I wasn't a nurse when my son died. I was a paralegal in the med malpractice field and spent my life benefitting from other peoples errors. I switched over to nursing after my son died...and his twin brother had spent close to four months in NICU. I prayed, so hard, to God...to let my other son survive. I told him, in the chapel of the hospital on the day my baby was due to have open heart surgery..."Please God, you took my one son. I don't know why, and I will never understand. But, if you spare my other baby...please, I will devote my life to something meaningful, to helping people. I will become a nurse. I promise."
I went to school and, now...eight years later...I have my LPN license.
Remember that you have two other children, you have to get back on that horse for them, just like I did. You are going to be their rolemodel...mommy got through this, so can I. They are looking to you. And your beautiful son, Logan? He's going to be the angel on your shoulder, whispering the answers to you, guiding your hand during the test, just like Alex was mine. You go in there with the "I can do this for ALL of my children...for me...for my husband and to regain a tiny bit of control in my life" attitude and you will get through it.
Emilie, I wish I could give you the biggest hug and let you just cry, get it all out...and then help you to prepare for the biggest step of your life.
Remember, moving forward does not mean you have forgotten the past. Not ever. Your son would have wanted you to be happy. Do it for Logan. Email me anytime you want to. I care.
With much love and a mothers understanding,