I graduated from the PN program almost a year ago in March. I studied with classmates using Kaplan and their q-bank along with their live study sessions. I took it in June and did not pass with 75 questions. They were all "near passing standard". That devastated me. My classmate is very spiritual and believed it was happening for a reason. In the meantime, I lived life and was able to go back to things I missed out on during those 2 years of school. I saw old friends/family again, was a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding, was there when she gave birth to her daughter (my now God daughter), and actually found love when I least expected it (i'm a bit past my mid 20's and haven't been in a relationship in years). I went back to review again using kaplan AGAIN with took their reviews class again with Qbank and took it on the second time in October and failed...devestated again. I also noticed I've been sick every month since October and had pneumonia around December. My mom was also hospitalized and it was a stressful time for all of us. I was studying again using HURST review and went to their class and watched their videos. I took it yesterday and found out hours later I was "near passing" in all categories except for 2
Recently (the weekend before the test) I've been going through so much stress, especially with my family. I'm going through all those dramatic changes you go through in your 20's. I grew up in an old fashioned, Asian household. Success = love and love is conditional. For years, I've been trying to get into nursing school. My mom is and has been a nurse for almost 30 years. Before I almost gave up on nursing, she wanted me to become a MA but that wasn't what I wanted. I felt hurt she even wanted me to settle. I know she just wants me to be okay but it's almost as if they're "ashamed" and just want me to be done with something. During nursing school, I lived with my parents and worked as a CNA. They pleaded with me to quit while in school and they would take care of me financially. I've been trying to get out of their control for years. They took it personally that I didn't want them controlling me and that I could make my own decisions. I wanted to keep the job for security (and also bc I'm very stubborn and would like to support myself financially) bc all of us LPNs knew that jobs opportunities were few and rare. I knew there wasn't a big change at getting a job after grad. (To this day, my classmates work per fiem hours or seasonal jobs). It got too dramatic, I quit my CNA job while in school. Now bc of all these changes in my life, my parents have been pressuring me to take the test and give me such negativity. Again, I know they want what's best but it's to fit their own expectations and their own fears and insecurities. I got into a big fight with my dad the week before and I guess money seems to be the issue. They're resentful of me now over something they offered to do for me. I also think they're resentful bc being in a relationship = loss of control for them. Being in a relationship means being independent from them (even though it shouldn't). I also grew up in a very emotionally/verbally abusive-controlling family. My dad was "too much" and my mom would be "submissive" as a way to show her love yet resentful over everything my dad has done. He's shown signs of mental illness or a personality disorder for years but bc of the culture, my mom has put it all under the rug, made excuses for him. During nursing school, I went to counseling to fix these deep rooted issues and I believe it is the reason that I stopped the cycle in my dating choices. I stopped seeing guys who resembled big traits like my father and stopped being in situations in which I mirrored my mom's role in a relationship. I'm in a healthy relationship (for the first time). I may have stopped the cycle of abuse in finding a good guy but lately (with recent situations , I'm realizing I may have picked up my dad's behavior and coping mechanisms... So here I am at 26 - unemployed, having parents resent me, am drastically changing myself as a person (seeing my flaws and growing from them), and have failed nclex 3 times.
I'm depressed right now and I plan on just grieving or having fun this weekend by being with friends and family. I talked to classmates again and that same classmate believes there's another reason right now why it's not happening. My life is chaotic. I feel like I need to just get a job right now and be completely stable financially. Once I'm stable, my parents will back off. Yeah I'm not doing what they want WHEN they want to but at least I have myself together. I plan going to counseling (bc insurance does help pay for that) bc I feel like I don't have the proper coping mechanisms with all this stress going on. Personally, I want to change and I want to change that cycle in me. I believe most of my test anxiety is deep rooted and comes from the negative environment I grew up. I'm not saying it's the reason why I failed but it contributes. I have a classmate who was a teacher before a nurse so I plan to ask her to tutor me prior to taking NCLEX again. I don't know what's going on in my life...but I just feel like having a job is just more important right now. I told my mom the deal how I'm going to work first and instead of being supportive, she regrets that I'm not an MA bc "at least they're working in the hospitals". She also said if I do have my license, at least i'll be able to go to school to be an RN. I questioned her about the job and again, she suggested they would be financially supporting me, which I don't get bc my family's not doing well right now since she's been hospitalize. I thin they're just upset things didn't go the way it went FOR ME (even though it's my life) and just want that control back. I need your advice, help, suggestion, encouragement...please....