I have been a practicing RN since February. I had been working at a smaller community based hospital on the med-surg floor. I recently transfered within the company to a large medical center on a surgical floor.
I am really struggling here and am at my wits end. I do well at my job. I receive compliments and praise. However, I hate it. I am so exhausted at the end of each shift. I had been working full time days and recently converted to full time nights. I am seeing the benefits of nights on this floor as the insanity is toned down approximately 10%. However, I have no time for myself. My sleep schedule is so topsy-turvy that I cannot eat. I find myself sitting at home and starring into oblivion but I cannot sleep. I then proceed to cry like an infant child.
But do not misunderstand. It is not simply night shift transition. It is nursing itself. Or perhaps med-surg nursing. I work so hard, but it never seems to be enough. I count myself lucky that I do not have to stay 2 or 3 hours past my shift to chart. I have made it an extreme priority to never do that, but in turn by the time my shift is over I am praying for a bolt of lightening to strike me down so I do not have to return the next night.
I am so disappointed. In myself. In this career choice. I want to quit. I want to walk right into work (I am still finishing up my orientation on the new surgical floor) and hand over my badge. However, this company is the largest employer in my tristate area. I do NOT want to become a DNR with them. There are many opportunities there. However, I don't think I can make it six months.
I have also developed huge trust issues with upper management. When I got hired at both of my jobs, I was given the rose colored glasses tour. The "We have strict pt to staff ratios", "We only care about delivering the best care while maintaining employee satisfaction". Immediately my ratio AND the aides ratios were debunked. When I asked about them, people just roll their eyes and say, "you fell for it too". It makes me really depressed. I am really trying to be the hard ass nurse. The "we will prosper!", but deep down I feel like I am defeating myself. I have been trying to mold these floors into something I love. I have been trying to say, "my job matters. I am a great nurse. I make a difference. It isn't just about money". But the ONLY thing keeping me at this job is my paycheck and the disappointment in my husbands eyes (which will soon breed a resentment, I know).
All of this stress in my career has put a real toll on me healthwise. I cannot sleep but am forever tired. I am frequently nauseated and tearful. My husband and I would like to try and have a baby, but my stress levels have left us without results for the past 6 months. My husband fortunately has a career in a field that he absolutely loves and fulfills him intellectually and in turn, us financially. I get the feeling he is tired of hearing all this. I know he knows I want to quit. I just see such disappointment in his eyes, which in turn makes me more depressed.
I have been thinking about ED nursing/ Labor and Delivery/ any other field. My two great friends are ED nurses and always provide me encouragement that they felt the exact same way in med-surg. I have six months before I can transfer or take the risk of turning in my badge and say I just can't work this floor anymore. I know it's only 6months, but life is very short and the past 8mos have already taken a large toll.
This post is incredibly long. I don't really know what I am looking for. I haven't really shared how incredibly unhappy I am with my supervisors because I am scared they will tell me what I secretly already know: Get over it or Get out.
I have used this site for 4 mos reading similar posts. I felt it was my turn to let it all out, even if no one reads it.
Nov 20, '12
by B in the USA
I don't really have any advice for you, as I am still in nursing school. I just wanted to say to hang in there.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I hope things get better for you soon.
Last edit by B in the USA on Nov 20, '12
: Reason: b