Hoping to be a nursing student again. Help! or just read...

Hey, I am/was a junior level BSN nursing student, soon to be a senior, when I missed passing pharmacology by 1 percentage point, the second time I took it. I screwed up with how I approached my teachers, or even wether I approached them, along with how I had handled myself in the past with this course.

A part of this is that I've been battling with depression for abour 5 years. I honestly feel that the reason I wasn't given another chance to take pharmacology is, at least partially, that I do have depression. My problem was only with this teacher, in the way that I approached her. All my clinical instructors mostly knew what was going on in my life. It frustrates me that I'm not sure where to go from here. I am just so tired, I don't know how to do another 3 years of nursing school, if I can even get in another program, after waiting to get in another program.

However, I really don't want to be anything but a nurse. I love being on the floor in my clinicals and when I almost walked in on my ex of about nine months having his first child with my ex best friend I still didn't hate OB. I couldn't study for it, but I still enjoyed being there with the infants.

I'm just not certain that I'll be able to take the stress. I want to work with Red Cross, or in Community/Visiting Nursing. Red Cross especially may have a higher stress, at least during disasters.

I feel like a lot of people are suggesting that I did this intentionally, and don't really want to be a nurse. Honestly, I don't see how the way I handle things is so bad until after the fog has cleared and I look back. Still, I only had one rotation where I was actually not able to do my clinicals, which I received a medical drop for. I admit, I am concerned about how to handle the stress.

I don't feel that I'll be a harm to my patients, but I just can't be certain that I can take the stress of nursing school again. Does anyone have any encouraging stories of how they were able to transfer credits and possibly not start all over at the beginning?

I also feel that this program, in a way insulted me in saying that two family deaths in 9 months wasn't reason for extenuating circumstances. It's because I was honest that the second death a week before finals was my cat. Forget the fact that she was family and that I'd been watching her die slowly from kidney failure over the last year. Have you ever taken care of an animal with kidney failure? You see everything that you would with a person, except that you can't really do much more than give them fluids (along with the medications) to keep them alive. You can't use dialysis with a cat, they're too small.

I realize as I'm writing this that I'm still very upset with my nursing program. I screwed up and I realize that they probably were right in leaving me out of the program, given the way I presented things, but it has been such a hard year that it's hard not to resent them for helping put my life further "on hold." I just don't know how to take the next few years without falling apart, but I feel like there really isn't anything else I'm supposed to be doing.

I realize, especially for an introduction setting, that this thread sounds more like a plea for sympathy, which it partly is, but I have to post it because I'm not certain of how to say this to others near to me, but I have to say it. BTW, I have used therapy. I'm still trying to find the right fit for myself... Saying things like this to my therapist doesn't help and saying it to my family makes me feel too weak. If I let myself be weak, I'm not going to finish.

If anyone has some suggestions, both study wise and mental health wise, I'd appreciate it.