What am I going to do?

Thanks. I believe I will send them an email. I just dont want to be put on the spot having to talk with one of their "young guns" who might try to talk me into doing the interview. Ya'll have made me feel a lot better.

Okay, after giving this situation much thought I've decided to cancel the interview. My heart is not in it. I really jsut don't want to be a nurse and no amount of pretending or "doing the right thing" is going to change the way I feel. Thirty-two years is enough. Time to move on.

I just want to say thanks for your input. You really helped me see things clearly.

I don't want to steer you away from nursing if that's always been your dream. My own mother went back to school in her 40s to become an RN--her parents never allowed her to go to nursing school, thought it was "unseemly for a girl." Gotta love the 30s. Anyway, she went to nursing school late, graduated and went on to have a very rewarding 16+ year career. She's 76 now and she still thinks and feels like a nurse.

You know, it's not that I hate nursing. I love nursing. I've been nursing since I was 17 years old, starting out as a CNA on a 1970s cancer ward--you gotta love it to work there! But nursing is not an easy profession. Not only are we dealing with difficult administration, staff politics, and doctors, but we're trying to deliver the best nursing care to patients and families who are often critical and disrespectful. Couple that with the "regular" stresses of raising teens, normal marital stress, and health problems, and you have a recipe for burn-out. It has been my experience that working in "crisis mode" has become standard operating procedure. Even as a school nurse(which everyone seems to think is easy-peasy--trust me on this one, It's not. Anything that can happen in a hospital can, and does, happen in a school. Except you have no backup.) I carry an enormous amount of responsibility to do things right every time, no mistakes, EVER.

I've done a lot of different kinds of nursing, in different settings. Most of my experience has been in Peds, NICU/PICU and most recently school nursing. I worked night shift for about 25 years and it unfortunately set me up for some serious health problems. I developed 2 sleep disorders that have not resolved even after 2 years of day shift work. I have high levels of cortisol(*stress hormone), extremely high triglycerides, obesity, severe depression, severe anxiety, slipped discs and foot problems.

This year I hit a wall. All my energy was spent and I became suicidally depressed. Now, I don't blame nursing for all of that. Certainly my profession contributed to it, but my life outside my work is already pretty intense. I have a severely mentally handicapped, full support, 14yo son who needs 24/care. My husband is severely disabled with stage 4 lung disease*sarcoidosis* and has limited stamina. I've been carrying the entire load at home for over 7 years. One thing I've learned in my 12 month long recovery is that I have to listen to my body. My body has been trying to get through to me for YEARS, but i kept pushing on. I'm a nurse. It's what nurses do. We take care of everyone but ourselves.

I hope you love nursing as much as I once did. I still get that moment of thrill when I walk into a hospital, but I know myself better now*that's what $45,000 worth of psychiatric care will buy you!* Nursing has been good to me in the past. It has allowed me to work weekends and nights when my babies were young so I didn't have to put them in daycare. It allowed me flexibility so that I was able to homeschool my kids. It gave me great asssessment skills. But now it's time to do something that doesn't keep my anxiety levels at constant high alert. I'm not sure what my next move is. I may just do some volunteer work for awhile until I can figure myself out. My DH is supportive of that. Or I may just work at a grocery store or a craft store for awhile. Costco is looking pretty good, haha. At this point I have to take care of myself first. I may come out of retirement later, raring to go! but for now it's best if I just don't. I love nursing. I want to be the kind of nurse who is fully engaged, excited, enthusiastic about the job. I've changed. I'll always "be a nurse". I just won't work as a nurse.

Good luck to you!