I just graduated from nursing school and immediately started a job in a cardiac surgical stepdown unit. I spent many days in orientation, which was fine, but then I got to the unit. It is just not what I want to be doing. I love reading journals, but I can't get interested in heart meds or the newest therapies. I do love procedures and look forward to learning to remove chest tubes and pacer wires, but that's 3 years off. The patients are great (always my favorite part of any unit where I've had clinical), but I am discouraged that so many think they can go back to their old lifestyles after CABG surgery. I think I could master the time management part with time, but I have absolutely no joy about this situation.
One night this week I journaled about how I was dreading going back for my third day on the floor and just praying for a way out, and that night, my own mother died suddenly and unexpectedly of an apparent MI. So now I am dealing with all those logistics and emotions, and truly, the absolute last place I want to go is my cardiac unit. My employer has been great, telling me to take the time I need and they will adjust my orientation schedule, but I don't know if I even want that.
I should be happy to have a job at all, I know that. So many on this board would take this job in a heartbeat (pun intended). It is a good place to work and to learn. My mom was so sad when I came home from my first day on the floor so dejected about it not being what I wanted at all.
I know that one should not make big changes in the year after a big life event like this, but I don't know if this was a sign that I'm not supposed to be there in the first place or if it's an opportunity for me to grow as a nurse and as a person. I don't want to give up this soon, but I also don't want to be there. And of course, mostly I miss my mom.