Hi All! I graduated nursing school a little more than a year ago and have been at my first job for about 9 months now and I can honestly say that I am miserable. I've decided to post on here because I feel like my family members and friends can't really relate to how I'm feeling and I just need some kind words and advice from nurses who know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I know for a fact that I am not alone in how I'm feeling.
Again, I've only been at my first job on a very busy post-op floor for nine months now, but have been considering leaving very seriously for the last few months. I made it my goal to stay for at least one year, then regroup and look into my options, however anxiety, dread, depression and hopelessness has slowly started taking over my life. I know they say your first year is the hardest, but I am a realist, and do not believe in sacrificing happiness, health and enjoying life for a job. Let me explain further whats going on...
I work on a busy, busy, BUSY ortho/neuro floor at a teaching hospital. I can have anywhere between 4 and 6 patients during a shift. Most of you will say thats not a lot (and I totally agree), but the types of patients, meaning their needs can be very overwhelming and stressful. Most days with my ortho patients I feel like a human pyxis machine passing percocet and dilaudid, running from room to room getting everyone up to the bathroom, making sure no one gets out of bed without assistance (because if they fall, its on me) and dealing with the psychosocial issues of many too. I also find about once a week I get a patient who was a poor candidate for an elective surgery and is often taken to ICU due to other medical issues exacerbated by the stress of the surgery. Oh and with pain medication comes the constant worry of over medicating someone who can not seem to get their pain under control. But on the flip side if I use my brain and nursing judgement and say, lets slow down the pain meds for a while, boy am I in for it! I'll also mention with regards to controlling pain that our hospital is HUGE on patient satisfaction, so controlling or at least having people with minimal pain is a must (even though these patients have had surgery and with surgery comes pain, right!?). The neuro patients are usually a little easier to work with, unless I get a patient with uncontrolled gran-mal seizure activity, a patient in DTs screaming, hitting and cursing at me, or the non-compliant ataxic and weak patient who refuses to call before getting out of bed. I'll be honest, last week I had a group of patients with at least one of these issues mentioned above. Needless to say, I left work that day exhausted. I knew that nursing was not a glamorous or easy job to get into, but I had no clue that I would be crying at least once a week during my shift. This is so embarassing because I am a strong, tough girl and I feel like at this point in my time on the unit I should not feel so stressed and overwhelmed. I keep waiting for the day that I will wake up and not dread going to my job, and actually get through a shift without wanting to scream. I'll also mention that management is so unrealistic, and completely delusional when it comes to standards and patient satisfaction. I think that they have totally disconnected from the time that they were floor nurses and really do not understand what its like anymore. You cant approach them with anything. They are also constantly coming up with some new policy, and breathing down my neck when they decide to come out from behind their desks with their clip boards checking off what I did and did not do that morning as Im running around getting STAT this and that, assisting people to the bathroom and not getting people their pain meds fast enough. Im sure all of you know what I mean...Oh and I almost forgot to mention the surgical residents!! What gems they are to work with! NOT! I have never been so disrespected, demeaned and made to feel so stupid before in my life.
I went into nursing to care for people. Im a very compassionate, genuine person and wanted nothing more than to make a difference in people's lives or just be there for them in their time of need. Bedside nursing makes that impossible though. Im very depressed and have recently started seeing a doctor. I dont think its normal to cry at work, before work and after you get off work. Im nauseated writing this post because I had no clue that I would feel this way. Im So stressed, hopeless and on the verge of handing in my 2 weeks. I really believe I have reached burn out in 9 short months. How sad!!! I am so afraid of looking weak and like a failure if I leave though. I go into work with a smile on my face every morning, always looking to make it a good day, but it usually gets the best of me. Maybe I wasnt meant for bedside care?? Not sure what to do, but know that I cant keep going on like this.
Advice, comments and reassurance on my feelings are so appreciated!