So I've dealt with anxiety and job problems all my life and one of the only things that I did complete and do well in my life was nursing school. It was due to me having a great support group etc..
Now fast-forward 10 years. I've been a nurse for 10 years. I can't believe it. I should be an NP working in my own practice or in Africa rending healthcare. Instead I am labeled a job-hopper by people and have a horrible time keeping jobs. I have depression and anxiety.
I initially kept my nursing jobs like 1.5 years. I had two nervous breakdowns over the years and now my jobs barely last. The only nursing jobs I can get now are travel assignments and while I'm a good floor nurse, I don't last long. I do orientation fine and usually after the first shift on my own, I no longer can keep going for whatever reason. I'm on medication but because of money issues I don't see my pdoc as much as I should. If I worked, I'd have more than enough money for everything. Why is the knowledge that *I* am the only breadwinner for myself not enough for me to stay with a job???
When I'm home, I think of a million things I have to do during a shift, and the things that could possibly go wrong, and I freak. This prevents me from working well I think. Some people then tell me to get out of nursing. The thing is the only thing I'm good at (when I'm in the act) is nursing. Also, I'm pretty sure, I'd not be able to do McDonalds either; the issue is not nursing, the issue is anxiety and panic.
Anyone have similar experiences? *I* alone put myself through hell all the time. Yes people have problems but I know that I sabotage myself all the time and make life much more difficult than it needs to me. Why do I do that myself? I have a book on DBT and try to do some of that and meditation/relaxation, but it only helps me when I'm not at work. When I have to go to work, I start building this anxiety and it kills me by stopping me from going to work.
I so want to be like many people, able to work like other people that work because they have to. I have to too but right now my parents help me out. But I feel horrible that they at their age are helping out their mentally unstable child when they should be feeling proud of me. They were proud of me when I graduated nursing school and passed NCLEX. But my job failures over the years have thwarted whatever continued pride they might have. I want them to be proud of me as they are getting older.
I'm sorry if this post is disjointed in advance.