I took a Compassion Fatigue assessment and I scored off the the charts for both burnout and compassion fatigue. I'm a young new nurse about a year out of nursing school and I haven been on the ob for about 10 months. During the past 4 months or so I have had increasing anxiety to the point of being physically sick and having to call off work, and now I only have one more absence left until they fire me.
My boss is very strict and unsympathetic. If you try to talk to her she says things like "well sometimes life just isn't fair." instead of trying to help you. She holds grudges and has favorites and least favorites, and if you are the latter you know it and feel it in the way she treats you.
About 2 months ago I had two patients pass away on me in a two week period, and since then I have been a complete and total mess. I have been getting dizzy and passing out both at work and at home, I constantly feel like something terrible is about to happen, and I have a constant underlying current of fear and anxiety in my mind and heart. It doesn't help that we have been consistently understaffed and overworked the past several months (I work on a med surg floor in a huge city hospital). Every night I go in I'm terrified of what I might face when I get there. I cry all the time. I can't sleep, I don't eat because I feel nauseated most of the time. I'm also facing stress outside of work, conflict within my family and trying to plan and pay for my wedding coming up in May mostly by myself.
I know I have bitten off more than I can chew. It came to a head last night when my fiance woke up to me sobbing my eyes out because I stay awake all night to make sure he's still breathing. I have been in denial, I know I have a history of depression and self-mutilation as a teenager, although I was never diagnosed with anything. But now I feel like a train speeding at 100 mph towards a solid concrete wall.
I have appointments this week to see both my PCP and a free counselor service provided through my work. I don't really know what they will be able to do for me, as I am very reluctant to go on any mood altering drugs for fear of side effects and addiction. I am going to try and talk to my boss, but I don't see her doing much to help me. I have tried yoga, exercise, meditating, hobbies, etc etc and I still feel this way. It's like I'm trapped inside myself and inside this job that I am so afraid of. I have also applied for several other nursing jobs in the community, but that was just recently and I haven't heard back from any of them yet.
I don't really even know if anyone will read this. I just feel like I need to express myself to others who might understand or who might be able to relate and tell me what they did to help themselves. I can't talk to anyone at work because it will come across as complaining and if my boss gets wind of it we get written up or fired. I am pretty desperate at this point. I barely have the motivation to get out of bed anymore. Normally I'm a generally happy person. I want to feel happy again.