can't stand the thought of going to work tomorrow and all weekend. sick to death of showing up and dealing with screw-ups in staffing, call in's et al. I know I'll pull it together and weirdly be in a good mood after a while, but all week I've dreaded going back to work. This has been going on for the last 2 weeks. A new job isn't the answer, it's a horrible job, and one of the worst I've ever had, but there is nothing out there right now. I'm just too down to even try. All I want to do is sleep, I'm so tired and tonight when I should be sleeping, my mind is just keeping me awake with...all the above. I'm afraid I'm gonna hit a wall and just walk away from it all. If I do, I'll blow a decent reference..if I can hang in there for a 2 years, even a year...it seems like forever, just passed the 4 month mark. I feel like I should apologize for saying all this, so many people have real problems. I've tried counseling, medication, groups, workshops. I know it all comes down to me and "using my tools" Oh puke. I'm really ticked off at the whole world right now, and I don't feel like being rational and "happy" I feel like quiting the f&^king job, and sleeping for a year...only prob. living in a box could get mighty drafty in a month or so. I know there's no real help anyone can offer me, except to hang in there and pretend to be normal. I'll be honest, if I didn't have some serious responsibility, and a dog who really makes it possible for me to get through the day, I'd be well, not here anymore. I spent my entire savings and retirement on inpatient..self pay for a specialized trauma unit...waste of money. 2 weeks won't fix anything. My meds are the best they can be, this has been a life long thing, but if you saw me at work...you'd never guess. I know there are others like me out there...I'm not that different or unique and I know it. Sorry, just having a bad night. When I put my little dog to sleep in february I blurted out of nowhere, I'll see you in 2 years...I'll be honest, I hope and pray that it is true, and the universe will take care of me. I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope, but I've been here a thousand times before and will be here again.
sorry to vent, I'm just having a really bad night and there is no real reason for it. taking the meds, had a nice day, did some interesting things and now this. I just can't stand the idea of going to work again, but I will because I have to and this is what I do. Yeah I know, find another job...but it aint the job, even though it sucks, I've had great jobs and still decompensated. I can't call in because everyone now has to have a doctors note to come back...could I just call in sick for the rest of my life? sorry couldn't get a doctors note, so I can't ever come back!
try to sleep now and pull it together by morning. have to, will do. Thanks for not being judgemental in advance.
thank you so much for not calling the special bus for the nut case. I can't believe it, but I sent a text message for my boss. She's a screamer and I can't take it today. I'm waiting for the fallout. I am so ashamed of myself even though I've dealt with no call, no shows, terminations, quitting without notice, even nurses! I totally got it then, but me? Super responsible and dedicated me? Even my dog is upset, he won't go outside or leave my side. He's picking up my emotions, and I hate doing that to him. I just know it's this or a total melt down. I couldn't shake the feeling that something really bad was going to happen soon, and I would lose my license for something I couldn't help or change. I couldn't deal with looking nurses and cna's and in the eyes and saying that management expected them to get the job done safely with less and less staff. Meanwhile residents were falling right and left when one more staff would have made all the difference. I can't even begin to talk about the medication load and paperwork load on nurses, many of them new grads thrown to the wolves with a few days of orientation from nurses to busy to really orient them. I just kept feeling that something really bad was going to happen today or this weekend, water runs downhill and I'd be the one who paid with my license. I also can't go on being this depressed, sure can't afford inpatient and I'm not quite crazy enough to be in with the true schizohrenics and psychotics.
That's exactly where I'd be for a max of 3 days, then kicked to the curb with a referal to the local free clinic...still I feel really, really ashamed of myself, sorry to write a novel and to dump emotionally on you guys.
Last edit by nola1202 on Sep 9, '11
: Reason: spelling