Alzheimer's-Brother won't help!!!

  1. :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire I have taken care of my mother who has alzheimer's for over 6 years now. My brother who lives nearby visits every 2 weeks and stays for about 30 minutes. He does absolutely nothing for his own mother. He comes over here and acts like a police officer critizing and finding fault with everything I do!!!!! How can a man who does absolutely nothing for his own mother act this way? What would you do? Any and all advice appreciated. Thanks:spin:
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  2. 24 Comments

  3. by   Fiona59
    My first thought was do you have POA or guardianship over your Mum? You might need it in the near future.

    Smile and ask him when Mum will be going to his house for a visit and don't let him weasel out of a date.
  4. by   hptogram
    We could be related. Sounds like my brother. Like the nice person above me said, make sure you have your POA in order.
  5. by   Cosper123
    Quote from Blackcat99
    :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire I have taken care of my mother who has alzheimer's for over 6 years now. My brother who lives nearby visits every 2 weeks and stays for about 30 minutes. He does absolutely nothing for his own mother. He comes over here and acts like a police officer critizing and finding fault with everything I do!!!!! How can a man who does absolutely nothing for his own mother act this way? What would you do? Any and all advice appreciated. Thanks:spin:
    What would i do? Well the easy answer is tell him where he can stick it

    Seriously though...tell him what you just told us. What right does he have to be so critical when he does so very little?

    And finally, if he doesn't like how it does...he should be doing it himself.

    And upon further reflection...write down and document every single little thing you do for her on a daily basis. EVERYTHING. Christmas is right around the corner, give him that log as a gift along with any other guilt you can pile on him
  6. by   jnette
    Quote from Blackcat99
    :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire I have taken care of my mother who has alzheimer's for over 6 years now. My brother who lives nearby visits every 2 weeks and stays for about 30 minutes. He does absolutely nothing for his own mother. He comes over here and acts like a police officer critizing and finding fault with everything I do!!!!! How can a man who does absolutely nothing for his own mother act this way? What would you do? Any and all advice appreciated. Thanks:spin:

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Blackcat)))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))

    I am so sorry. Have you registered on the Alzheimer.org site yet? They have an AWESOME message board.. go to the "caregiver support" forum.
    It is a wealth of information , tips, advice,and above all SUPPORT from all those who are caring for their loved ones with AD.

    I just registered this week... Mom was diagnosed a couple weeks ago. Pati (sis) and Roo are caring for her now in thier home in Tucson, and I will take her in out here in the Spring.

    I empathise, truly I do. But you don't need him, you need REAL support.

    Have you found an AD support group in your area? Adult day care? Home Health to assist?

    PM me if you wish.
    Again, (((HUGS))) to you.
  7. by   chatter
    sounds like a situation i might encounter in the future. i am my mothers only daughter and know that one day her care will be my sole responsibility and it is not right. i had a pt. with dementia whos family never came to see her and one day her son was there at her bedside crying, i tried to comfort him all he could say is this isnt my mother. i hope you dont think i am trying to excuse his behavior but maybe he can't deal with her illness and the changes it is making. i understand though i get very frustrated with families that come to the nursing home to visit after months of no contact and want to complain of their loved ones care. Where were they when we held them while they cried, or cared for them when they were sick? hang in there
  8. by   Blackcat99
    Thanks all for your great suggestions! I am Mom's POA and she put her house in my name only. I am going to tell him that I want Thanksgiving off and am going to drop her off at his house. I am trying not to blow my stack as I know Mom still wants to see him. Perhaps if he gets to spend the whole day with Mom it will open his eyes.
  9. by   ann945n
    Next time he dislikes how you handle things simply say with a smile and the kindest of ways, wow you know youre right why dont you handle this xxx problem for now on. and leave it to them! bet that stops the comments
  10. by   Natkat
    Ugh! This is so common. The care of elderly usually falls to female family members. In many families if there is no daughter, the responsibility usually falls on the daughter-in-law.

    Lots of good suggestions. I hope all goes well.
  11. by   sister--*
    I don't envy your situation at all. My Mother had 4 children and one Niece. When the time came for her total care myself and my kids were the only ones there. I called and called and called with information about Mom and requests for assistance. We were doing 24 hr. days for several months before she passed away.

    The brother visited a time or two, one sister came and stayed a week during the time Mom was hospitalized, and the Niece criticized and back-stabbed us at every turn. My other sister is challenged and incapable of providing help.

    When the time came that Mom needed more care and pain relief than we could provide at home we met with ugly words and attitudes. Somehow we continued on.

    Now Mom is gone. I have no regrets that the kids and I did everything to properly care for Mom.

    What a lesson. I discovered a strength and depth of love I didn't know that I had and I saw that my kids have the moral character that I'd always prayed they'd have. Unfortunately, I also learned some really sad things. I learned that my siblings care was for the estate.

    Do what you have to. When all is said and done you'll want no regrets.

    Hugs to you.
  12. by   KellieNurse06
    {{{{{blackcat}}}}} I feel for ya....
    I myself would probably a bit nasty & just matter of factly say " Oh, is THAT right?...and where the he** have you been for the last...xx amount of time????"
    I can't stand when people do this either......the old Monday morning quarterback syndrome...could of , should of, would of blah blah blah.
    I agree with everyone else here also.....the dropping her off for Thanksgiving and/or giving the brother a list all wrapped up in a nice box for Xmas is hysterical.....and I mean that in the utmost respect too..........
    A friend of mine has gone through this the last few years herself with her mom who died this past summer.....and she had 10 brothers & sisters too..and she seemed to be the only one who did anything ...plus she was working full time on top of everything else and everyone had their advice & what she should do etc etc.......................it's just so unfair that you have to bear it all on your shoulders.........
    People are real winners huh? Well I hope you can get some help with your mom......you can only do so much as one person.....
    Last edit by KellieNurse06 on Oct 31, '06
  13. by   Nurse`Chief~Chickie
    :icon_hug:
    There isn't really anyway to make a family memberf ace their mis-directed guilt and shame until they can do it themselves. Until then, kudos to you for being so brave and compassionate.
    I got the big bawl out from big-sis over the phone for not calling every member of the extended family when Grandma was in hosp. for what was essentially nothing. She was still able to be at home at that time and guess who was 1 of only 3 caregivers out of 2 kids, 10 grandkids and 17(no joke) adult greatgrandkids. I've forgiven myself for what I couldn't accomplish and it's up to the rest of them to deal with their own conscience.
    Be proud of yourself and know that he'll suffer in his own way for being an a**. :icon_hug:
  14. by   adrienurse
    You can't make someone who is unwilling (or lacks the resources or knowledge) care for someone with alzheimers disease. It's wonderful that you've been doing it, but sadely things like this never get shared equally among siblings (or rarely). The responsibility usually falls to the daughter or the child who is the natural caregiver. Remember how draining it is? It's like making someone parent a child who doesn't want to--you're setting things up for abuse.

    Instead, if he just won't help, ask him to contribute money so you can hire someone to help you. Yes I would definately get the power of attorney and who is the medical decision maker straightened out.

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