"If they really cared about their mom, they wouldn't of put her in a nursing home"

  1. Related to complaints about nursing homes I've heard arguments like "If they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. They'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."

    Also, "What do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. If they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".

    What are your ideas about these opinions?
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  2. 257 Comments

  3. by   Sparrowhawk
    That people need to mind their own business.
  4. by   umcRN
    I don't agree with that. I think there are some wonderful nursing homes and assisted living places out there. I did clinical at one really awesome one specifically for people with Alzheimer. I have a good friend who has been watching her mother struggle for the last few months trying to care for her grandmother who has very bad dementia now, is often incontinent and has to be locked in at night due to wandering. She is in a "day care" type program in the morning, has CNA's in the afternoon but it's still a lot of work and my friends younger sister still lives at home and has pretty severe learning disabilities and is about to finish high school (the school will force her graduation though technically she can't take most of the tests to avoid spending extra money on sending her to a special school) and no one really knows what the next steps are for her. It's a lot for one person to handle and my friend really wishes her mom would consider a nursing home because she is so stressed out (it doesnt help that none of her 5 siblings even offer to take their mother for the day)
  5. by   GooeyRN
    Yep... People need to mind their own business. We have no idea how the parents treated their now adult children growing up. We have no idea if the grown children have jobs they must keep in order to buy food. You can't be two places at once! Who knows if they have children with medical issues and they can not attend daycare and/or regular school. Who knows if they have the knowledge required to take care of them. Who knows if they have their own medical needs going on. Maybe they just don't want to. Who knows? Not my business. My business is that their minimal needs are being met. Food, clothing, shelter, medications, bathing, continence care, safety, turning/repositioning, etc. This is similar to those who put their kids in group daycare. Some say if people loved their kids they would not put them in daycare. Not my business as long as their minimal needs are being met. I do wish more people welcomed their parents into their homes in their old age. But again, not my business.
  6. by   KaroSnowQueen
    Opinions are like anuses - everybody's got one. No one was loved more than my grandmother. There were four of us ready to take her home with us. Every time we brought it up she'd get so upset she'd have to take Xanaxes. Finally the nurses at the hospital told us to give it up and find placement for her - she was 'determined to NOT be a burden' to anyone.
    She griped mightily about the home we found for her - private pay in a gorgeous old Victorian home with four other ladies. She was just mad because she couldn't go to her own home again. I loved the house and am still friends with the family who runs it.
    Anyone who talked trash to me about it, I invited them to try to get her to come home with them. People who say these things either haven't tried to care for an elderly relative at home, OR haven't had to change a stubborn old lady's mind.
    To these trash talkers, I say 'Do better or shut up.'
  7. by   grantz
    Quote from Bruce_Wayne
    Related to complaints about nursing homes I've heard arguments like "If they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. They'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."

    Also, "What do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. If they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".

    What are your ideas about these opinions?
    I agree. if you ever loved your mom or dad you won't let others took care of them. Other caregiver (I'm not saying all) don't care on what your moms feeling right now or let's say they having some pain or something that makes them uncomfortable. But the caregiver just ignored it. why? because they had a lot of patient to take care if and yet it is not their mom or dad they taking of so they don't even care about them. They just care about the money they care on that facility. So if you do really love your parents you won't send them to nursing homes. You must care for them as they cared for you like you were in your developmental stage..
  8. by   GooeyRN
    What about when the elderly person does not WANT to live with their adult children or grandchildren? What about when this is their choice?
  9. by   EmergencyNrse
    Wow, just wow....
    (This should be good)


  10. by   outrunningzombies
    Someone at the assisted living that my FIL was in said that to me. Funny how she shut up when I told her some of the awesome things my FIL had done to my husband, such as deciding that he didn't want custody of the kids one afternoon and "telling" them by not picking them up from school that day. Yes, we ended up being those "awful kids" who rarely visited him and then showed up when he was on his deathbed in the hospital.

    My mom and dad have already told me that they do NOT want my sister or I to take care of them. They both prefer assisted living and a nice nursing home. I think that is because they both work in hospitals with patients and because they took care of my dad's parents for several years and it caused a huge strain on the family.
  11. by   NickiLaughs
    Everyone is different so the solutions for them and their family are going to vary. I have enough on my plate to worry about someone else's decision for their family. Unless there is a concern of abuse involving my role as a mandated reporter, it's not my business.

    To the other poster who stated that, "if you ever loved your mom and dad, you wouldn't let others take care of them" I disagree. Not everyone is capable of providing an appropriate place or appropriate care for their parents. I have also seen families become so attached to their ailing on their death bed loved one, they could not see that their parent was terminal and unable to improve. These children have wrapped their entire lives around their parents in an unhealthy manner and really affected their own psychological health.
  12. by   merlee
    This is all total ********. My mom kept my grandmother at home as long as humanly possible, including hiring live-in help. She just became total care, and impossible to maintain in her own home. She went to a very good nursing home, and got very good care.

    Not every family can keep their loved ones at home.

    Every situation sits on its own merit. Anyone who insists that it is possible to take care of 'your' loved ones at home until the end can just go to hell.

    This just burns me. Can ya tell???
    Last edit by TheCommuter on Oct 29, '11 : Reason: profanity
  13. by   Nascar nurse
    Quote from grantz
    I agree. if you ever loved your mom or dad you won't let others took care of them. Other caregiver (I'm not saying all) don't care on what your moms feeling right now or let's say they having some pain or something that makes them uncomfortable. But the caregiver just ignored it. why? because they had a lot of patient to take care if and yet it is not their mom or dad they taking of so they don't even care about them. They just care about the money they care on that facility. So if you do really love your parents you won't send them to nursing homes. You must care for them as they cared for you like you were in your developmental stage..

    Really? The elderly are NOT in a developmental stage. They won't grow a little smarter/a little stronger everyday. More than likely they will decline a little more each day.

    It is very easy to pass judgement on what others should/should not do until YOU have to provide that care.

    I have admitted many residents and hear the guilt in the family stories.

    The Dad that was driving down the highway at 2am lost - did I mention he was in the wrong lane of the divided highway!

    The Mom that nearly burned the house down at least once a week because she thought it was time to cook dinner for her husband in the middle of the night. (Husband dead for years)

    The Dad that nearly killed the Mom when he threw her down the steps because he didn't recognize her and thought she was an intruder.

    I could go on for pages, but you get the point. There is a huge difference between caring for a 40 pound agile toddler and caring for a 200lb+ adult with incontinence, contractures, memory and behavior problems (because they will all out slug you with the strength of a full grown man), etc.
  14. by   Nascar nurse
    Also I just want to add: I did not have children just so I would have someone to take care of me. That is nuts to expect anyone to stop living - and sometimes thats what it would take. I have always told them; find me a nice place, visit once a week if you can and make sure I have a plentiful chocolate stash.

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