Unsupportive fiance...not sure what to do

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Specializes in Hospice.

Run baby girl, run and don't look back. GrnTea is spot on in saying this is the beginning of an abusive relationship. He may not be physical YET and hopefully never would be, but you cannot take that chance. Nursing school is stressful by itself, you don't need any added stressors at home.

loriangel14, RN

6,931 Posts

Specializes in Acute Care, Rehab, Palliative.
Run baby girl, run and don't look back. GrnTea is spot on in saying this is the beginning of an abusive relationship. He may not be physical YET and hopefully never would be, but you cannot take that chance. Nursing school is stressful by itself, you don't need any added stressors at home.

Yes. Run far and run fast. Don't look back.

T-Bird78

1,007 Posts

You said he was like this even before nursing school? Then what's he going to be like during and after school? Your boyfriend/fiance/husband needs to support you and encourage you. Nursing school is tough enough, there'll be days you'll be so frustrated and he could very easily encourage you to quit. Plus, if he's not on board with you going to school to secure a better future for you BOTH then what's he going to do when you do something that doesn't benefit him directly? I dated a guy like this once, also "fiance" in quotes, and he figured that since I was the nurse and he was a high-school janitor that I should have to pay for everything. I had to renew my CPR one day and since my employer didn't provide it, I had to go on a Saturday and spend part of the day doing that. He got mad at me that I'd choose to spend my weekend renewing my CPR than spend time with him. I called him when I got back home and he was so mad he didn't want to see me that day. It grew to the point where the only thing he wanted to do was go to the strip club on Saturday nights (he worked evenings so Saturday nights were the only times we could go out late) and if I didn't want to go with him then we didn't see each other that weekend. When it finally ended (he called me while my uncle was dying and asked if we were breaking up and I said yes) he got so mad at me that he called me every morning on my way to work and scream at me to the point of tears and I quit answering my phone. A few months later I met my now-husband and true love of my life. Three years after the idiot and I broke up, he texted me. When I told him I was very happily married with an adorable baby, he made some rude comments about how he wouldn't want to be having a baby at my age, then told me he'd never dated anyone else--like I was supposed to leave my wonderful life and run back to him. You, OP, can do much better and you'll feel better without the control freak hovering over you. Good luck!

Specializes in NICU, ICU, PICU, Academia.

OP,

I hope you are reading, and digesting every word written here on your behalf. You do NOT have to make the same mistakes some of us have.

And to everyone who has shared here- thank you for your transparency. Much appreciated!

nuberianne_RN

133 Posts

I am not a fan of anonymous posters who are quick to chime in and say dump him/her when someone comes on a board to ask for advice about a personal situation going on in the relationship.....but..... the hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I read your post, OP. Many, if not most, abusive relationships start off just like yours. The first step is for the abuser to isolate the victim from friends and family by wanting to "spend time" with them. You have the opportunity to get away now. Please do it.

And another thing..... unless your "fiancé" is working fulltime and living at home because he is saving every penny to purchase a home, he is not mature enough to be a husband and lead a home/family. Is it possible that he has low self esteem because he is still at home and is not successful in his own life? You are probably saying, "but you guys don't my 'fiance'." On the surface that would appear to be true, but if you take a break and come back and read these posts again you will discover that indeed we do know him. We have met him over and over and we don't want you to live through the nightmare that he inevitably brings every time he appears.

Specializes in LTC Rehab Med/Surg.

The answer is obvious to me, as it is to most of the other posters.

If the OP decides to continue this relationship, I can see her having to make this decision again. Somewhere down the road when there's a mortgage and kids involved.

1RN4Christ

40 Posts

I believe a lot of these posts are probably not what you were hoping to hear... Being with someone for 4 years is a weighty issue in itself and is a sensitive matter.

However, these posts offer lots of great advice. You have a desire in your heart to pursue nursing and you should continue to follow it regardless of how your fiance may feel... It's good to validate his feelings, but if he does truly love you, he will understand the commitment you're making (a lifetime to care for REAL HUMAN LIVES). Love is not selfish and he will have a rude awakening if you two marry because he will see that a successful marriage is about giving of yourself sacrificially...if he can't do that now, chances are he won't be able to do it then.

You are "bettering" yourself and moving on...making a way and pursuing a passion. If he does not support this, I would leave him behind. That is a hard pill to swallow, but I can only imagine it being for the best.

Best regards and stay motivated! The journey is worth it! :)

NightNerd, MSN, RN

1,130 Posts

Specializes in CMSRN, hospice.

*Hugs* This a tough situation for you any way you slice it. I feel for you, OP.

My thinking is that you already know what you want/need to do; your post gives me that impression. I totally understand that you have invested time and energy in this relationship and that you don't want it to be for naught. You also don't want the time and energy that you put into nursing school to be wasted either. Your fiance isn't being supportive; your education will support you for the rest of your life. Decisions, decisions...

Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that you say he has always been like this, I wouldn't be so concerned. Nursing school is a difficult thing, and it definitely strains everyone around us, including our families, significant others, and friends. It will cause stress in even the most secure relationships - my BF of five years and I are discovering this now. In my opinion, a partner worth his salt will not get mad or resentful about the changes he is seeing; he'll open up and talk to you about it and ask what can be done. And you'll figure it out together. Putting time into your relationship is important, but there needs to be some compromise for the couple years you'll be in school. If he can't do that for you, I would start thinking long and hard about whether this is the man you want to depend on for the rest of your life.

Clementine1

77 Posts

Specializes in Pediatric Emergency.

I'm not saying this to throw it in your face or make you feel bad, but my boyfriend was very supportive during nursing school, HOWEVER, I came in contact with the problem that not he, my family, or non-nursing school friends could relate of knew how I felt on any level. Nursing school is extremely stressful but in all honesty (I'm not proud to say this), I really distanced myself from some of these people in order to get my work done. They were my number 1 supporters and always the first to hear how I did on my tests, but my nursing friends are the ones who helped me get through the program. I agree with a previous poster that you must lay down the law to your fiancé because this isn't someone who sounds supportive, but just know even if he isn't 100% there for you, you will have people going through exactly what you are who will be :)

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