Teenage twin girls

  1. Hi Everyone....
    I am running into some serious problems at home while trying to juggle the work...school, single mom thing. I waited until my twins were older to return to school. They are now 14.......aaahhhhhgggggg!!! If I survive the teenage years it will truly be a miracle. One minute they are so proud of me and the next minute they hate me. They say I have ruined thier lives by going back to school and that I only think of myself. One of the biggest reasons I went back to school is so I can afford to send them both to college. We have moved to a smaller home and are on a really tight buget while I am in school. I do work about 30 hours a week also. I feel so guilty that I am not with them more but I do try to spend special time with them as often as possible.......but they usually just act miserable being with me. I feel like the only time they are even remotely nice to me is when I am spending money on them. When I am out of money I am basically useless to them. I have just finished up my pre-req's and co-req's.......and applied to a two year ADN program. I can't give all this up.......yet I know they will only be young once. You know though....they were always laying a guilt trip on me even before I went back to school...... I geuss I am just rambling........would love to hear from other mothers of teenage girls. I have a 21 year old son and never had these problems with him. This situation just breaks my heart!
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  2. 9 Comments

  3. by   Disablednurse
    My mother was a stay at home mom and was always there for us. When I was in school, there was one student that had to drop out because her children threw a guilt trip on her for not being there to cook and clean for them. If my mom had wanted to go to school, she would have gotten my full support. My sil went back for her RN degree(she was an LPN), and my nephew had no problems with it other that with dear sil telling him that if she could make all A's, then he could too. My nephew and db really helped out though, so she could do well. I really applaude mothers that return to school.
  4. by   JudithL_in_NH
    I have an 18-year-old son who never gives me a lick of concern, and a 16-year-old daughter. While she is sincerely delightful, life with her can be a roller coaster ride. (There's also a nine-year-old daughter, still in the "mommy can do no wrong" stage.) I have a few friends who have multiple sons and lament that they have no girls; I always tell them how lucky they are! Raising daughters in some ways seems more complex than raising sons . . . sons seem to play fewer head games.

    I have always worked at least half time, but I work from my home (medical transcription and tutoring), so mine are a bit spoiled that I'm relatively available to them. Yet they've had to learn "When mama is working, the answer to everything is 'no.'" -- they would interrupt me a lot. I still work, and am finishing prereqs. I'm accepted into a program (2-year ADN) so they've been forewarned that I will be less available to them, and they need to pull even more of their weight around the house when I'm not here. I don't mean they should tote barges and lift bales, mostly I mean they need to take responsibility for themselves and one another. Luckily, most of my class and clinical time will be when they are at school, and I have decided not to work, or work only very part time, my first semester. I've already told them that I will work at least 16-24 hours/week starting my second semester.

    My mom went back to work when I was in high school, and I remember calling her at work and giving her a hard time about needing stupid things from her that I couldn't find for myself. I made it very hard for her.

    It's a rough age; they want their independence, yet independence is a scary thing and they still want you, too. Their psyches are in a tug of war, and you get to be the rope that's yanked on. It WILL get better with your daughters. My daughter is much better now at 16 than she was at 14. By 15 or so mine decided she enjoyed independence and stopped with the "you don't do anything for me" kind of stuff. In reality, I had always spent plenty of time with her--it *is* just a guilt trip. Do make time to do "special" things with them when you can--do you spend time with them separately? I find each of mine always like "alone" time with mom.

    They will have enormous respect for you if you continue to pursue your goals. I know that mine respect me; they know I love them, but they understand I have a right to a life, too. And in their hearts, they know I don't neglect them.

    *Very* soon your girls will be adults themselves and they will understand that you have a right to your own life, and they will understand that your studies contributed to the overall welfare of the family. If you give in to them now, they'll just realize they're good at manipulating people.

    I WILL get better! Feel free to PM me if you want to commiserate. I still have this whole journey to do with my 9-year-old daughter, and I WILL be working full time outside of the home when she is a teenager . . . I'm hoping she'll learn from the example of her older sibs--but they never seem to!
  5. by   Spidey's mom
    I have one son, 20 years old and in college and another who is 18 and a Senior and ready to graduate in a month and a half. Also a 13 y.o. daughter and 21 month old son.

    My fears about working and going to school with teenagers is that the decisions they make in rebellion have the potential to be serious . . drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.

    The teenage years for my boys was (is) tough . . . I can't even imagine what my daughter will be like.

    Scary times.
  6. by   Rapheal
    My daughter is 17 and is a joy but they can be a handful. My friend has 4 girls between the ages of 10-21. I once went to her for advice when my daughter seemed to hate me. She told me that in her experience that girls seem to "cycle" every 2 years till about 16. In their quest for independence and identity they become moody and difficult. Because we-the moms are so close to them they will take their frustrations and growing pains out on us because they know that we are the people who will love them no matter what.

    I found 14 to be difficult at times and a definate improvement after that. As for my 16 year old son, well he has continued to be a handful since he was 12.

    Hang in there mom. One of my biggest joys was when my daughter pinned me for graduation. I can hear the pride in her voice when she tells people "MY mom is a nurse."

    Oh -by the way. Have you tried consignment shops for name brand clothes for the girls? I was able to buy enough name brand clothes for my kids by shopping there to help "pad" their wardrobe with designer clothes. It seemed important to them at 14 to have Abercrombie, Tommy, and AE clothes. Now they do not seem to care as much about what brands they are wearing.

    Good luck and best wishes.
  7. by   sixes
    Mine were younger age 4 ,5 and 12. They were a great inspiration to me to better my life as well as their's. I didn't have much problem except when the thougth coloring my 4 day project of mapping all the hormones in the body would improve my grades. ( The teacher was very understanding, from that day on she provided coloring homework for the little ones) My 12 year old felt very proud of herself for giving her some grown up things to do.
    When they hit the teens I was working but I got the same guilt trips laid on me.
    I took 2 weeks leave and when pay day came and they made there requests I said oh didn't you know stay at home mom don't get paychecks. But here is a list of what you owe me for doing all your chores this week.
    Never heard a peep about me working again. HAAAAAAAH
    It worked that's all I can say know I enjoy events I can attend and when payday comes They really enjoy there treats now
  8. by   BadBird
    My daughter is 14 also, she is evil sometimes and nice othertimes. I don't feel guilty for the decisions I make, I try to make the best decisions for my family and if she doesn't like it well tough! Let her make her own decisions when she is 18 and moves out (yeah right, I should be so lucky, LOL). You don't owe your girls a college education, it is nice that you choose to do that for them but just know that teenagers are evil so make your decisions and don't feel like you have to justify why you do what you do. I guess my rule of thumb is "I'm the mother, that's why" .
    I should mention that my 19 yr. old son has never given me any problems and I also choose to pay for their college education too. I just think teenage girls are evil and hopefully will outgrow that phase and become human again. Of course, I did give my daughter the mothers curse "May she have a child just like herself" hahahaha, you know that curse works too.
  9. by   nessa1982
    Weird my 17 year old brother is nothing but problems. He knocks holes in the walls, yells, hits everyone and is just plain a pain in the booty. I'm 21 and yes, I'm female, yes I have mood swings, and fight with my mom once in awhile but mostly we get along and I help her (I'm a full time RN student who usually works, but not this semester). So not all daughters are bad, and not all sons are good. Well now that I got that outta me.....

    Take the booger heads to Marshalls, and agree to pay X amount of money X times a year. This way they get to budget thier clothes spending. Or just make them get babysitting jobs and buy thier own stuff (I wish I could hve had that option when I was 14 but I lived in a very rural area so til I got my license to drive I couldnt work regularly, but I did garden for others sometimes). When they are old enough for a work permit tell them to work during the summer to pay their own way. Once they have thier own jobs they will aprreciate money and realize that it doesnt grow on trees (or magically appear in Mom's wallet).
  10. by   susanmary
    Sounds pretty normal teenage stuff to me -- it's all about them. You need to sit down with them, stop overexplaining, stop feeling guilty -- and tell them that although you love them very much, you are determined to become a nurse. Then tell them what you expect of them to help you while you are in school & working -- I'm talking chores. Hang in there, financially, things will get better. And if the kids whine about money, tell them that they need to start pulling their own weight and babysit, etc. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IMPROVING YOURSELF -- you are a ROLE MODEL to these girls -- whether they think so or not.

    If they continue to complain that you are ruining their lives, you can tell them how you wish you had become a nurse years ago, that it's much more challenging to balance family/work/school -- and that they should begin to think of their college/career plans. How richer (intellectually, emotionally, and academically) their lives will be with a college education before they get married, start families, etc. Turn this around ... and stop feeling guilty & overexplaining. You own your life. You are also a great mom.

    I have three teenagers -- it's challenging. But you need to set the rules. I spent many years overexplaining things to my kids -- then I remember my mom's words of wisdom -- "too bad." Now, when I say it -- I don't elaborate -- and the kids know that's it.
    You will make it -- hang in there.
    Sue
  11. by   salgal
    You are all so awesome.....I truly do appreciate all of your support and words of wisdom!! I know this is all normal teenage stuff......I just keep telling myself "this too shall pass".
    I do try to spend individual time with each of them. One of them spent the night at her friends last night and her sister and I had a great time together. They have been asking me to take them down and get work permits.....I think that will help quite a bit and will show them how to be responsible with money. Whew.....I feel better already.....Thanks again

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