Support at home

  1. Throughout the boards I have noticed that many people that are in school do not receive support from their spouse or sig other. My hubby, when I started in 98 was not that supportive, i was taking A&P and did very well, but all I got from home was the house is not clean, you always have your nose in a book blah blah blah.......Now I am in the nursing program and finished my first yr. I think he finally got it through his thick head that I was going to do this with or without him. If you talk to him it is like I don't do anything. here is my life, I have three children boys 11,8,4. I work semi third shift 20 hrs /week, take care of the house, yard repairs ect. He brings home paycheck and goes out Fridays after work. I have an interview coming up for a Nurs Tech job at the hospital(so I will be doing this also). Through his work he has went to Florida.....Golfing, Washington DC and the INDy....Kentucky derby ect......I am really sick of his sh*****. I really needed to vent before I go crazy....thanks for listening!
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  2. 15 Comments

  3. by   Robin61970
    Janleb, I Have to be frank, hope I don't upset you, but what an insensitive self centered ass....What is the point? If he acts that way why bother? The paycheck makes it easier while in school I know, but you could get alot of help without him, and you wouldn't have the nagging BS and one less person to clean up after. If you have to go on hud. draw food stamps and get grants for school, but don't put up with that anymore. I know public assistance and state assistance is rough, but if you want to go to school then take it. I don't like it when people live off the state, but if it is a stepping stone in bettering your life then do it. I am. I get assistance so I can go to school. I'm sorry if i came on strong, but it seems that life would be easier on you without the stress of him.....hope things work out for you
  4. by   JennieBSN
    Uh, Janleb, hate to step on toes here...your husband sounds like a jerk. A MAJOR jerk. I mean king a**hole of the universe.

    Yes, you have kids, and yes, you love them. HOWEVER...do you realize how emotionally abusive this man is? If my husband ever DARED 'point out' to me that the house wasn't clean, he knows the response he'd get...'here's the cleaning supplies, here's the vacuum, here's my middle finger, DO IT YOUR D**N SELF!!'

    So he gets to run around and go do his little sporty things while you stay home and play good wifey? Sounds like he's p.o'd that you're finally doing something YOU want to do instead of catering to his every whim.

    Please, please, please...pick up the phone, make an appointment with a therapist, and drag captain caveman into marriage counseling. You sound like you guys are in desperate need of it. Oh, and if captain caveman won't go with you, GO ALONE. One of you needs to get some counseling and figure out where this marriage is headed. FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN, please do this. Kids know when mom and dad aren't happy....

    God bless.
  5. by   janleb
    You all are right! and there is no buts here, he is a major jerk of the century. I think I just want to get out.......just got to find the courage to do just that. I have an upcoming job interview, I want to start putting away some money away and do what I have to do, hopefully before school starts up again. Tell you the truth I am about tired of this DICTAtorship!!!LOL I still have a good sense of humor Thank you all I was thinking some other opinions would give me a swift kick in the butt!J
  6. by   Robin61970
    Hud, food stamps, medicaid, pell grants....You CAN do it! We have faith in you...please get out.....if there is a womens shelter call them....there are many types if abuse, not just physical.....
  7. by   nursejanedough
    janleb, I am sorry you are so frustrated. We all need to vent every now and then and nursing school can be exhausting. The three major complaints regarding your husband were, 'He says the house is not clean', 'You always have your nose in a book', and 'Because of his career he gets to travel to great places.' Most of my friends are not nurses or nursing students and they get the same complaints from their husbands. Only you know how bad your situation is. All marriages are hard work, esp. with kids. Most divorced women with kids (that I have talked to) wish they had stuck it out because their 2nd husband or 3rd husband (with their own kids)were also jerks. Or if they didn't remarry, they are very lonely. Of course, any physical abuse is a major no-no. So called emotional and verbal abuse would benefit from a counselor/therapist, etc.
  8. by   essarge
    Jan,

    I fully understand what you are saying.

    I have found that allot of significant others feel threatened when their wife/husband goes back to school after they have been basically taking care of everything at home. They are thinking "geesh, now what is going to happen...things have changed and they are taking themselves to a higher level and I am not secure with this".

    As far as them complaining about housecleaning, kids etc. the best advice I have is act like a duck and let it roll off. It's a learned art to be able to do this. I went through it not too long ago. Hubby said he worked twelve hour shifts and he was tired (I understand but I was in school just as long and studying for about 5 hours after that), kids said they didn't want to have friends over because the house wasn't as clean as it used to be. I finally got to the point that I went on "strike" for a week. This strike included not doing dishes (they ran out after two days because they were too lazy to put soap in the dishwasher and start it). Didn't do laundry except my own. Did NO housework except change my sheets, and clean my bathroom. I then pretty much holed up in my room. This taught all of them a valuable lesson. Never assume that anyone else was put on this earth to wait on you hand and foot. Everyone needs to accomplish what they can with this life. It's the only one we've got. I want no regrets when I get older and have to go through the "woulda, shoulda, coulda" phase.

    If your family doesn't like it TOUGH!! They'll get over it. If they are giving you a hard time over studying, stay on campus after class and study there. Stock the refridgerator with TV dinners (microwaveable) and tell them that until they realize that mom/wife is bettering not only her life, but the future of the family life, that TV dinners are what there is to eat. As far as housework goes (I know a messy house p***es me off too!) I just take whatever is left out and 1. throw it (literally) in the bedroom of the owner and then 2. Tell them next time they don't pick up after themselves I will take it, lock it up and when I feel they have earned it they can have it back!! I straighten the rest of the house up in the morning before I leave for school and everything is fine.

    As far as your hubby goes, ignore him, his complaining is just a sign that he is afraid of you bettering your life and possibly realizing that you are a human being in need of having some accomplishments of your own. Don't let him bully you (been there done that), let him know (without arguing or showing how much what he says bothers you) that you WILL NOT give up school and if he doesn't like it then he will just have to give up some of those perks he's got and help with the house and kids.

    OK...I'll get off my soap box now. Keep us up on what is going on.!! Good luck in school, and remember we were not put on the face of this earth to be someone else's endentured servant!!
  9. by   NurseStudentFall01
    Maybe you can talk to your husband about how nice things will be once you're out of school. You will most likely be making a great salary, which will mean more vacations and other fun things for the whole family. You will have a satisfying job you enjoy, which will make you a happier person. We all know that when Mom's not happy, nobody's happy. So it's in everybody's best interest to help out when they can.

    This is what I did with my husband and he helps out all the time. He gets the kids dressed and takes them to daycare in the mornings. I pick them up and bring them home. I play with them until he gets home from work, then if I have a lot of homework to do, he takes them to the park or to the mall or somewhere until it's about their bedtime. We give them baths, put them to bed, then I'm back to my homework. I lay out their clothes and pack their lunches before I go to bed. And the next day we do it all over again.

    Do you have other family or friends nearby who can babysit for you once in a while? I'm sure it's a difficult adjustment for your husband, but he's got to realize it's not any easier on you! The house and kids are just as much his responsibility as yours and he needs to do his share. Taking on all the responsibility while your husband sits back and complains is just making you resent him.

    I never advise anyone to leave their spouse unless abuse in involved, but I do think you need to spell some things out for him. Good luck and remember, we're here for you!
  10. by   essarge
    ftrnurse,

    I never said, nor will I ever advise someone to leave a marriage unless it is abusive. I simply gave her some options. Sometimes a little taste of reality is all it takes for men and kids to realize that wife/mom are not made specifically to do their bidding. It worked really well here and now everyone is doing as much as they can to help out. My boys clean their room everymorning (the experience of losing things and having to earn them back was a real snap at reality) and hubby helps out as much as possible. If the rest doesn't get done around here...oh well!!!

    As far as anyone leaving their marriage, God never, ever, ever stated that you are to stay married to an abuser. I know this from first hand experience. God does not want his children hurt and the addage that he doesn't put more on your plate than you can handle does not include abuse!!!

    ok...back off my soap box!
  11. by   mustangsheba
    My marriage did not survive nursing school. But then, it probably would not have survived a number of other things as well. When my daughter started high school, I told my husband that I would be starting nursing school when she graduated. He was so threatened, he did a lot to sabotage my education. He refused to go to counseling. I tried to convince him of how much better our life would be once I graduated. Nothing worked. He was a college graduate with a secure job from which he has since retired, so my furthering my education should not have been a threat. I felt his lack of support was symptomatic of a deeper problem which he was unwilling delve into; however, I was not willing to sacrifice my aspirations to satisfy his needs. The last term of my senior year, we parted. He married someone with whom he is much more compatible. I remained unmarried for over ten years and was perfectly happy to remain so. The times I felt lonely were far outweighed by the wonderful feeling of freedom I experienced every day. When I was married, I was expected to comply to a standard, while my husband, (like janleb's) expected me to take care of the house, the animals, any problems that arose, and be ready to give him great sex when he got home from his excursions. I definitely resented that he could not make time for me when I had a break. It took me a while to realize I didn't fit into his schedule. If your husband will agree to go to counseling, it is an indication he is willing to make your marriage work. Essarge is right on, and everyone else also has excellent suggestions. Save your marriage if you can, but not at the expense of who you are and the example you want to set for your children. Be true to yourself. Who was it said that?!?+
  12. by   dixiechick
    Hi, first of all, I,m sure there are alot more women that are in your situation, and probably to afraid to speak up or they keep it to themselves. We all have our breaking points and I,m sure you may be at yours right now.
    I too have a husband who has been catered to for the last 14 years. I have been a stay at home mom, a good wife, and a Martha Stewart wanna be , I have been in the P.T.O. for the last 7 years and have been a volunteer for many school and sport activities. And truthfully I wouldnt change a thing, I loved raising my babies and having fun with my 3 girls, they are really close to me.
    But, now its my turn. Martha Stewart who..??
    My girls are thrilled mom is doing something( I hope this will be a wonderful expamle to them that women can still do anything they want at any age). And my hubby,.. he says he is supportive, and that he will help with kids and take them out on the boat when I need to study and the girls tell me that they will help out around the house. I hope this will be true, I dont start till this fall, so we shall see. I think its hard for some men to have a women who is loved by everyone and who has her own life outside the house making some bucks. When he has had her to basically do everything for him. They have to learn to grow up and take care of themselves. My husband changed careers at 36 and totally uspset out life, we had to plea bankruptsy and we lost our new house of 5 years. It was hard times, but he was so uphappy at his old job, and if dad aint happy neither is anyone else, he went to school and now loves his new job. I was supportive to him and even tho hes been taken care of, I truly believe he will be there for me.
    Maybe you guys can go out by yourselves and like some other people said, "discuss the future and how wornderfull things may be" with vacations and such.
    If he is still a jerk about things , then regretfully you may have to let him go. Life is an on going experience, and I think you may be at a crossroads in your life. I wish the best for you and will be eager to see how things go for you. Good luck.
  13. by   futrnurse
    Janice,

    You know me and my situation, I can't believe that people are telling you to let go of a marriage. God hates divorce and God can change yours... You know if I have to hold to my faith you have to hold to yours.. look at me and think about what these people are telling you... People told me the same thing and look what I went and did...

    Paula
  14. by   shyviolet78
    Here's a view from a different perspective. Right after we got married, my hubby decided he hated his job and he wanted to go back to get his bachelor's degree and change careers. I didn't have a problem with this per se, but I wasn't happy that his decision changed our "5 year plan." His decision forced us to push back plans to buy a home and start a family, and he didn't discuss going to school, he simply announced it one day out of the blue. I felt betrayed and, truthfully, I tried to sabotage it by complaining that he never spent time with me, complaining about wanting a baby, scheduling vacations when I knew he'd be busy studying... It caused many problems for us until we sat down one day, discussed our mutual goals and our personal goals, and what would have to be done to make both of us happy. I found out that I didn't mind delaying our plans, I just resented not being included in the decision making process, as it did affect BOTH of us. I have since decided to go back to school to become a nurse, after long discussions with hubby, and even though we make alot less money, our house is never clean and we rarely spend "quality" time together, we are both happy because it's a mutual decision that we know will be best for both of us, as well as any children that might come along in the future. My advice is, talk to your husband. Find out why he is acting this way. Tell him how his actions make you feel and then let him tell you how he feels. Work this out together. If you can't, talk to a neutral third party. Most churches offer free or sliding scale marriage counseling. However, if he is truly abusive, don't keep youself and your children in this situation. It sounds to me though, that there are some resentment issues, and they can be worked even though it seems impossible at times.

    Valerie

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