She want to be #1 again...

  1. I'm currently in my second semester of a ADN program and I'm also married. My wife told me she wants to feel like she's number one in my life again. She said I never tell her the small things that go on in my life anymore. I told her that nursing school is my life now. She thinks that I talk to my classmates more....she said she understands that I'm in school and she knows how important this program is to me. But what I don't understand is why bring up this type of stuff is you understand. I got a text message from a classmate at 10:30pm which was a response from an earlier text that I started about school work, after that she has been upset....We have about my classmates calling me late but sometimes I have questions for them and we really help eachother out. I want her to understand that my feeling for havent changed at all but I really want to complete this program in fact her and my kids are the main motivation for me....Ladies help me out...I want her to feel like she's number one but school requires so much of my time.
    •  
  2. 25 Comments

  3. by   dani_girl
    Date night.. one day a week do something just the two of you.. nights can be hard if you have kids so one morning a week my friend (in the program too) will go to breakfast w/ her hubby. I do it in the afternoons on weekends.. even lil things help. or take a walk after dinner together.. w/ or w/out kids.. good break from studying and gets you outside..
  4. by   burn out
    Your wife is feeling left out of a world that she can not enter but yet that world can invade her world at will (classmates textmessage at 10:30 pm..she may consider that her time with you) Why not let your wife meet some of your closest classmates or maybe set limits on how much time you allow nursing to occupy your time. I was married and went to nursing school and at 5 p.m. when work/school were over my husband came first. Are you sure your priorities are not backward..not to be mean but just a question.
  5. by   SuesquatchRN
    Dad, you're in a hard spot in that you're a married man surrounded primarily by women. The wife has to be a bit jealous and insecure, hence the annoyance at the late calls.

    During spring break maybe you can host a couples-only get-together at your place for your classmates and their spouses/so's. I'm going to bet that being included in the gang will assuage your wife's unstated fears.

    Or have your classmates call on the family line so that she can pick up and feel a little less left out.

    Include her, somehow.
  6. by   caliotter3
    I worked with male nurses on occasion. For those rare instances when I might need to call at home b/c of something important, I always talked to the nurse about it and offered to meet his wife first; I asked that he warn his wife that I might call. Each time I did this, the male nurse thanked me b/c they said that meeting their wives always helped to keep their wife from thinking that there was anything not right going on. I never, never, never called unless it was life and death. Never got into any trouble. But by meeting me, any wife could tell that her hubby would not be wasting his time w/me! Ain't that high on the attration scale!

    You need to take the smallest amount of time to include your sweetie. Bring her breakfast in bed on a weekend. Here's a good one: get her involved with your studying. One or two rounds of quizzing you with 3X5 cards or asking ? after ? as you study for tests, or helping you look up things in your nrsg care plan books will either cure her of getting too involved or it will get her so involved and interested that she makes nrsg part of her world too and it will be easier for her to accept. Also, it wouldn't hurt to remind her of the rewards to be gained from your future employment chances. Good luck.
  7. by   caliotter3
    Also, assuming that you have not previously worked in a predominantly female line of work, you can remind her that you will be relying on her female perspective to help you with things that will surface when you start working. Both of you need to work on positive ways of coping with her insecurities now that you are a student (BTW, a temporary situation) b/c when you start working, it will be it will be for keeps, and you may find yourself really relying on your wife for emotional support just to survive on the job. The female work place can be especially vicious for the male.
  8. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Things you can do to show her that she's #1 and how you feel about her:

    In the springtime, take a few minutes and pick some wildflowers, and put them in a vase/jar for her. Put a note with it that says "because i love you". Picking the flowers shows that you took the effort to find these flowers and select them.

    Show her some of the stuff your working on. I don't understand half the stuff my husband does at work, but he does show me some of the things anyway. And i talk about the instruments and stuff from work, and while he doesn't know what any of it is, if i tell him what they're used for, he's at least on that page.

    Get her a card every so often that expresses what you feel for her.

    Tell her what nursing school means to you, to you two as a couple, to your family.
  9. by   Deliasgone
    I can relate to you. During semester our marriage pretty much gets put on hold because I am in school in the mornings and he works 2-11 as a chef. What my husband and I do to keep it together is work out together three mornings a week....no exceptions. Not only is it getting me back in shape, it is helping with my stress levels and it is time that my husband and I get to spend together without children. We take the walking portion of out workout to talk. We also try to sneak in time to watch a movie or something during non-clinical weeks. Finally, during winter and summer break I don't do anything nursing related. I clean my house, stay in my PJs, snd spend time with my family. I also stay up late to hang out with my husband when he comes home from work. I know that he is probably more laid back about the whole situation than your wife (due to the whole nature of men vs women) but I know that it is stressful for us to be apart for so long. Maybe if you can work out some sort of schedule with your wife it will make things a bit easier for her. Good luck.
  10. by   fathernurse2b
    Thanks for all the advice but many of those things I've tried. I give her all of my time on the weekends...I dont even open a book...I cook breakfast bring it to her in bed because I'm an early riser We go shopping and if we spend $300 I might get a t-shirt. She is the top manager on her job and it takes her away from home alot...I don't complain because I know that we have a partnership. I just want her to understand what I'm going through. I will make sure that I have people call me on the home phone line as well.
  11. by   Altra
    You've gotten good suggestions here - pick those that suit your (and her) style.

    Also involve your wife in making this situation better ... sit down together and decide, for example, what days/times are "family only" or arrange an informal get-together w/some classmates & their SOs and some other couples that the two of you already know jointly.
  12. by   Spidey's mom
    Quote from MLOS
    You've gotten good suggestions here - pick those that suit your (and her) style.

    Also involve your wife in making this situation better ... sit down together and decide, for example, what days/times are "family only" or arrange an informal get-together w/some classmates & their SOs and some other couples that the two of you already know jointly.
    I agree with involving your wife in this discussion.

    I went back to school when I was 38 and I can honestly say I didn't call anyone from school for anything - and we didn't have phones that text messaged then. No one called me for stuff either. I didn't work in study groups - I can't study that way. I just wanted to get there, do my work and get out.

    Maybe have your wife look at this thread.

    steph
  13. by   Jules A
    Quote from stevielynn
    I went back to school when I was 38 and I can honestly say I didn't call anyone from school for anything - and we didn't have phones that text messaged then. No one called me for stuff either. I didn't work in study groups - I can't study that way. I just wanted to get there, do my work and get out. steph
    Lol, you took the words out of my mouth. Nursing school wasn't a team sport for me. I still have a couple of friends from class so its not that I wasn't friendly and helpful but I just didn't have time or inclination to talk to anyone on the phone at nights especially when I had already spent the whole day with them. Just my two cents and fwiw I'm pretty secure but I wouldn't be crazy about my husband being on the phone a lot (girls or guys) when he is spread as thin as anyone in the nursing program is.
  14. by   WDWpixieRN
    I am not a "team student" either....I have had one gal's phone number from the beginning (she's about 1/2 my age, but 100% reliable) whom I talk to from time to time when one of us needs something clarified or to see how an assignment/test went. I can't study with others as I really don't like the socialization that often takes precedence. But oftentimes we are forced in to group situations and if your wife is in some type of management, I'm guessing she's got a degree and should have some understanding of that necessity.

    It sounds like you've tried some of the things that have been suggested; I think at this point you need to straight-out ask her WHAT she needs from you, with the understanding that you are in class X-amount of hours, which requires a minimum of 2 - 3 hours per class hour outside of class for prep/studying. And then try to fit some of her needs in as much as possible without making yourself a crazy nursing student.

    I'm so grateful my last child left for college at the same time I started NS. There's no way I could easily do all of these "jobs" well without feeling pulled in many directions. Thank heavens it's only for 3 more semesters for me!!

    You sound willing to give, but that's a two-way street. I wish you both well.

close