She want to be #1 again... - page 2

I'm currently in my second semester of a ADN program and I'm also married. My wife told me she wants to feel like she's number one in my life again. She said I never tell her the small things that go... Read More

  1. by   nurse4theplanet
    I agree that it could be her own insecurities. Her man, her best friend, is now surrounded by women everyday, calling and texting him late at night, and these other women are sharing something with you that is not only important to you, but something that she truly cannot identify with unless she was also in a nursing program. (I am assuming your wife is not a nurse.) That can be very intimidating and open the door for insecurity.

    I think that the best advice given so far was to ASK her to be specific about how you should go about convincing her she is still #1. Women easily put their emotions out there, but usually need a little probing to get them to tell you what you can do about it. I hate having to tell my hubby what I want him to do because ultimately I then feel like I am forcing him to do it, and i get all upset again. Its a vicious cycle inside the female brain lol. But I have to remind myself that he wants to please me or he would not even do what I had to ask him to do.

    Anyway, another good idea (even if she is not insecure it wouldn't hurt) is to introduce her to your nursing friends who are calling. If she strikes a friendship up with them, she may welcome the phonecalls instead of feeling like they are an intrusion. It also shows her you want her to be a visible part of this experience for you, that you are proud to have her as your support system, and that you want others to see how valuable she is in your life.
  2. by   KellieNurse06
    ...Hmmm...Maybe give her a special night and cook for her, give her a nice long foot & back rub, take her out for a nice dinner somewhere........can you afford to take just her & you away on a vacation somewhere...even if it was just a couple of nights away???
    Maybe leave her a note everyday in her briefcase or lunch without telling her..so it's a surprise...about how much you love her, etc etc.....it is the little things personally for me anyway that mean more..... there are tons of things that don't cost anything if money is an issue....don't know your situation ..especially with school & everything.....if it's warm out or you live in a warm climate...how about a nice bottle of wine & some cheese & crackers on a blanket at the beach??? Good luck anyway......
  3. by   EmerNurse
    My poor hubby survived my nsg school, and I worked fulltime and had 4 kids at home at the time. He's got the patience of a saint.

    He had his moments of insecurity - I think we all do sometimes, really - and we had our "us only" times and things. I also made it a point (this sounds rude but done right, it's ok... I think) I made it a point to let him know the not so good things about school and my fellow classmates, as well as the good stuff. Specially with the male students.

    Gossip is bad. Always see the good in people. If you do'nt have anything good to say, do'nt say it. Now that we know these lessons mama taught you, throw them out the window wiht your spouse. For instance: "Yeah that was Susie asking about the homework again. I know she called late. (here's the "ignore mama" part). "I really do'nt know how she does it, she's got a husband and 7 kids and spends as much time griping as studying I think, but I feel bad if I do'nt answer her questions - some folks really kinda ignore her and I'm sure it's tough for her you know at her AGE and all and all those kids and well... how DO you handle people like her dear?"

    In the real world this is called laying it on thick. Said sincerely and with a straight face, it is called therapeutic communication. Helps if it's somewhat true, and said ONLY to your wife, in confidence. Your wife will a) appreciate the confidence, b) realize that not everyone you go to school with is some hot 19 yr old fluttering her lashes at ya and c)feel as though your sharing with her. Oh and then pull out the 3x5's - that'll get old real quick LOL.

    I apologize to anyone I offended by this post - I hope the spirit of my advice came across, even if the implementation may be more delicate or different.
  4. by   jov
    Quote from fathernurse
    She thinks that I talk to my classmates more....she said she understands that I'm in school and she knows how important this program is to me. But what I don't understand is why bring up this type of stuff is you understand. I got a text message from a classmate at 10:30pm which was a response from an earlier text that I started about school work, after that she has been upset....We have about my classmates calling me late but sometimes I have questions for them and we really help eachother out.
    It seems to me that your wife has pretty well focused her complaints. While you say, yea I go shopping with her and only buy a t-shirt while she buys $300 worth of clothes, don't complain while she's gone working so much, etc., etc. -- if you re-read your post you will see your wife specifically said you talk to your classmates too much and she really got P---ed when you got a text message at 10:30 at night.
    If my husband was text-messaging other women at all hours of day and night, it would be a BIG problemo and frankly, I could care less if he worked with them OR went to school with them. School ends when the bell rings, son. :trout: If you need that much help in school you oughter call up other male students or hire a tutor.
  5. by   Psqrd
    Quote from fathernurse
    I'm currently in my second semester of a ADN program and I'm also married. My wife told me she wants to feel like she's number one in my life again. She said I never tell her the small things that go on in my life anymore. I told her that nursing school is my life now. She thinks that I talk to my classmates more....she said she understands that I'm in school and she knows how important this program is to me. But what I don't understand is why bring up this type of stuff is you understand. I got a text message from a classmate at 10:30pm which was a response from an earlier text that I started about school work, after that she has been upset....We have about my classmates calling me late but sometimes I have questions for them and we really help eachother out. I want her to understand that my feeling for havent changed at all but I really want to complete this program in fact her and my kids are the main motivation for me....Ladies help me out...I want her to feel like she's number one but school requires so much of my time.
    I am married and a new father of an 11 month old, I must tell you that I do try and include my wife in what I am doing and who I am doing it with. I make a point of talking about my day including new things that I may have learned. (of course excluding patient info). I am speaking a new language and I make a point of teaching it to her. I talk alot about our team effort and thank her for all the big things or even little things that she does. I make an effort to make myself available to her, that means if I am studying and she has a question- I stop what I am doing and face her when speaking to her(what she wants to know is important too!), we also make a point to go for walks at least 3 times a week. We discuss our plans for after school; financial (loans that need to be payed off), at what hospital and what shifts would be best for me to work etc.
    I'm not saying that we don't have our issues but I know that I must make the effort. As you said you are doing it all for your family but avoid phrases such as school is your life now...that really screams that she is number 2, I know that would not make me feel good about it. I told my wife that if I got an "A" in my first semester, that would tell me that I did not spend enough time with her and my daughter...I got a B!
    One last suggestion is that I would stop the late night texts and calls...put yourself in her shoes, how would you like it if your wife was getting those calls so late. Good luck, the fact that you asked for help puts you way ahead of the game-you'll be a great nurse!
    Psqrd 2nd semester start 3 days away!:spin:
  6. by   Psqrd
    Quote from jov
    It seems to me that your wife has pretty well focused her complaints. While you say, yea I go shopping with her and only buy a t-shirt while she buys $300 worth of clothes, don't complain while she's gone working so much, etc., etc. -- if you re-read your post you will see your wife specifically said you talk to your classmates too much and she really got P---ed when you got a text message at 10:30 at night.
    If my husband was text-messaging other women at all hours of day and night, it would be a BIG problemo and frankly, I could care less if he worked with them OR went to school with them. School ends when the bell rings, son. :trout: If you need that much help in school you oughter call up other male students or hire a tutor.
    I must dissagree with you jov...I wish school ended with the bell. I have been out on winter break, semester starts on the 16th and we already have group projects assigned and due shortly after class begins. So phone calls have been exchanged including with a female student on vacation in mexico who is in our group. I feel bad about intruding on her vacation, but she thanked me for the call for their were things in our project that she needed to be involved with. I do agree with you on the late night calls, thats why I have email. I have a strict no call after 830pm...you wake the baby and their will be H*LL to pay! LOL! P
  7. by   Spidey's mom
    Quote from Psqrd
    I am married and a new father of an 11 month old, I must tell you that I do try and include my wife in what I am doing and who I am doing it with. I make a point of talking about my day including new things that I may have learned. (of course excluding patient info). I am speaking a new language and I make a point of teaching it to her. I talk alot about our team effort and thank her for all the big things or even little things that she does. I make an effort to make myself available to her, that means if I am studying and she has a question- I stop what I am doing and face her when speaking to her(what she wants to know is important too!), we also make a point to go for walks at least 3 times a week. We discuss our plans for after school; financial (loans that need to be payed off), at what hospital and what shifts would be best for me to work etc.
    I'm not saying that we don't have our issues but I know that I must make the effort. As you said you are doing it all for your family but avoid phrases such as school is your life now...that really screams that she is number 2, I know that would not make me feel good about it. I told my wife that if I got an "A" in my first semester, that would tell me that I did not spend enough time with her and my daughter...I got a B!
    One last suggestion is that I would stop the late night texts and calls...put yourself in her shoes, how would you like it if your wife was getting those calls so late. Good luck, the fact that you asked for help puts you way ahead of the game-you'll be a great nurse!
    Psqrd 2nd semester start 3 days away!:spin:
    I like your advice - especially the last paragraph.

    steph
  8. by   dani_girl
    if you have already tried so many things why don't you ask her? Self help book babble here.. but every once in a while me and my honey come up with a list (usually after we have gone through a tough spot) on what we like, what we want to change, and ideas for that change. then we try to implement them.. hence why we walk after dinner every night.. she might have some ideas that show her you are listening.. good luck
  9. by   jov
    Quote from Psqrd
    I must dissagree with you jov...I wish school ended with the bell.
    taken in context "school ends when the bell rings" means that's the time that he goes home and be's The Husband, not the classmate. As I said before, he oughter call the other guys or get a tutor. I'm having a hard time understanding all this text-messaging and calling around that is supposed to be school-related, when I don't do it, and my grades are just fine, tanx.
  10. by   hikernurse
    Quote from fathernurse
    My wife told me she wants to feel like she's number one in my life again. She said I never tell her the small things that go on in my life anymore. I told her that nursing school is my life now.
    I know it can feel like nursing school controls a lot of your life right now. I graduate this spring and I know NS definitely takes up a lot of time and even more energy, but if my husband told me that something else was his life now, I'd question my place in his life--especially if his "new life" was something I couldn't readily participate in.

    Advice from an old wife here, just talk to yours. I think she just wants to hear all the small things that are going on in your life now. Tell her about the teachers, your classmates, what you ate for lunch. Call her during a break in class. Bring her home a cookie when someone brings them to class (and someone always does, LOL); that way she'll know you're thinking of her while you're at school. I bet she just wants to know she still matters to you and that you won't be putting her on hold when something more important comes up. We're not that difficult to please . . . just don't ask my husband
  11. by   moongirl
    Quote from fathernurse
    Thanks for all the advice but many of those things I've tried. I give her all of my time on the weekends...I dont even open a book...I cook breakfast bring it to her in bed because I'm an early riser We go shopping and if we spend $300 I might get a t-shirt. She is the top manager on her job and it takes her away from home alot...I don't complain because I know that we have a partnership. I just want her to understand what I'm going through. I will make sure that I have people call me on the home phone line as well.
    wow- you are giving her your WHOLE weekend and still its not enough?
    My family would think it was an alien invasion if I gave them that much time!
  12. by   fathernurse2b
    jov...i can handle the criticism but try to be a little more contructive...i don't need a tutor, it may not matter but I have the highest avg in the class....If you noticed when I posted this thread I asked for help and yes I realized that the late night text messages are out of line.

    I really appreciate all the advice and I'll try some of these things. Before I got into nursing school I prayed and prayed to be accepted, I wanted it so bad and now that I'm in I let in take over my life...After reading some the posts and talking with my wife I realized that I'm a husband first and I hate it had to get this far. I thank everyone for all the respones but I gotta go...
  13. by   jov
    Quote from fathernurse
    jov...i can handle the criticism but try to be a little more contructive...i don't need a tutor, it may not matter but I have the highest avg in the class....
    sorry, your original post of ...
    "We have about my classmates calling me late but sometimes I have questions for them and we really help each other out" led me to believe that you needed help in school.
    Glad to hear you are getting your priorities figured out. Good luck to you and your wife.

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