Selfish family?Student Mothers please read! - page 8

I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors... Read More

  1. by   bethin
    Quote from Fun2Care
    If she wants to do it, then she needs to do it!


    As far as no support from the family???? .... All the more reason to do it, and do it good!


    Liberation happened a LONGGGGGGGGGGG time ago! Women CAN do what they want!
    :yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat:

    Did I say "yeah that"?

    Probably the main reason I'm not married is because I just couldn't answer to a man. Sorry, when I say I'm going to school that means I'm going to school. Elderly pt told me with an attitude like that I'm never gonna catch one!
  2. by   jov
    Quote from bethin
    Wait, if you're a nurse, mother to a three year old and your husband works, wouldn't you have to send your three year old to the sitters?
    um.. not if you work 3-11 or 11-7 or weekends. which is why a lot of women with families go into nursing, for the flexible schedules.



    Quote from bethin
    It matters what mom thinks and wants.
    Of course it matters what mom thinks or wants. However, mom isn't revolving in a separate sphere in a separate galaxy (like a single woman with no kids). I'm just saying it probably isn't the wisest course of action to just up and quit The Mom Job because something new caught your fancy before your term of service was up...
  3. by   jov
    Quote from bethin
    Probably the main reason I'm not married is because I just couldn't answer to a man. Sorry, when I say I'm going to school that means I'm going to school.
    of course, if that's what marriage means to you, turnabout is fair game, right? So when your husband tells you he is moving to Alaska for two years to fish and hunt year round (leaving you to work AND raise your twin three year olds without him), you'll just say, "of course, dear. We shouldn't have to answer to one another."

    I never felt marriage was about either person answering to another. Silly me, I thought it was about working together for the best interests of each person and the marriage/family as a whole. Which is why I have a problem with this mom in particular going to school if her family is so against it. Maybe they do have issues, in which case they could all work together on the issues to find out what's going on...might be their resistance has some merit that we don't know about?
  4. by   DaFreak71
    What's good for you is good for me; what's bad for you is bad for me.

    This is the philosophy that my husband and I live by with regard to each other. I think this applies to the MIL of the OP as well. If she is meeting that much resistance from her family to go to school, she must first determine if it is reasonable for the other team members to be objecting. If their objections are valid, she needs to address them and seek to find a solution. If their objections are baseless, she needs to address those too and seek to find a solution. Going back to school with 13 children and husband who have objections to her decision is to ignore the situation at her own peril. We all know how challenging NS can be, even those of without children have obstacles to face. But 13 children and husband who are opposed to the idea? This is a recipe for disaster. The family needs a good old fashioned sit down to discuss this. If her family will not support her, she has the following choices:

    1. Not go to NS and potentially be resentfull
    2. Go to NS and deal with non-supportive family members

    I seriously do not see many people being able to handle the stress of a gynormous family who is unsupportive, being able to succeed in an already challenging program. Not to say it's impossible, but it sure ain't gonna be fun, easy, relaxing, etc. Good luck keeping that up for 2 years.
  5. by   adnstudent2007
    Quote from lostdruid
    What's good for you is good for me; what's bad for you is bad for me.

    This is the philosophy that my husband and I live by with regard to each other. I think this applies to the MIL of the OP as well. If she is meeting that much resistance from her family to go to school, she must first determine if it is reasonable for the other team members to be objecting. If their objections are valid, she needs to address them and seek to find a solution. If their objections are baseless, she needs to address those too and seek to find a solution. Going back to school with 13 children and husband who have objections to her decision is to ignore the situation at her own peril. We all know how challenging NS can be, even those of without children have obstacles to face. But 13 children and husband who are opposed to the idea? This is a recipe for disaster. The family needs a good old fashioned sit down to discuss this. If her family will not support her, she has the following choices:

    1. Not go to NS and potentially be resentfull
    2. Go to NS and deal with non-supportive family members

    I seriously do not see many people being able to handle the stress of a gynormous family who is unsupportive, being able to succeed in an already challenging program. Not to say it's impossible, but it sure ain't gonna be fun, easy, relaxing, etc. Good luck keeping that up for 2 years.
    :yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat:
  6. by   firstyearstudent
    People keep focusing on the fact that she has 13 children, as if she had 13 infants to care for. I believe the youngest are three (an appropriate age for preschool) and the older ones are out of the house. By the time she is done with pre-reqs and is admitted to a program, the youngests will be 4 or 5 and the older children will be even more self-sufficient (and able to help out). This doesn't seem like a bad time to start school. It seems like a good time...
  7. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Probably the main reason I'm not married is because I just couldn't answer to a man. Sorry, when I say I'm going to school that means I'm going to school. Elderly pt told me with an attitude like that I'm never gonna catch one!
    Being married doesn't mean anyone is answering to anyone, or i never would have gotten married. Ours is an give-and-take supportive partnership.
  8. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Quote from CHATSDALE
    she was not born a parent
    early 40s ain't dead yet

    she will need a lot of support..if she has the organization to run a large family she can make it

    I agree.
  9. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Originally Posted by sanskeet
    I am rather shocked that not more people have voiced an alarm over the fact that the father seems to think his responsibility ends with the pay check and no has stated his selfishness and parental abuse and that it's ok for the kids to take care of the father by taking of his shoes, etc but not to help mom out with the younger kids. Interesting.

    Quote from sanskeet
    I'm sorry but the way I see it, bringing home the money is the easy part...work 8 maybe ten hours a day,get a pat on the back for being such a wonderful provider by the world, get a lunch break, respect and a raise every now and then, a paycheck and then come home and be catered to while mom works 24/hrs a day, seven days a week (but hey, it's not really 'work')cause she gets to be at home, gets no respect, no money and no help while taking care of 13 children and is called selfish for wanting to have a career...sure, HE really is impressive.

    Well said.
  10. by   purplekath
    I copped the same thing as a nursing student (I'm an RN now) and it still upsets me to hear stories like this. Mothering goes so far beyond just keeping everything under control at home - it is about teaching and modelling the kind of behaviour and values that you have, in the hope that the kids will enter the big wide world as adults as whole and productive human beings right? If she "just stops school and takes care of her family", what is she modelling? That if you are female, all hopes, dreams, ambition and passion end at the time you give birth to a baby? Not the kind of idea I want my daughter leaving my home believing! Or my son for that matter!

    My kids are now almost grown and I love to see them actally PLANNING their lives with the honest belief that if they work at it, they can do anything. We had our "cereal for dinner nights" sure, and when they got tired of that, they learned to cook. They copped a bit of stress at exam time, sure..and then they learned to participate in my studies the way I always participated in theirs.

    Besides, who says you have to neglect your family? Why not involve them? Gosh, I remember my kids while I was in nursing school...they were so cool - we used to make up games to help me study. I remember once, I bet them 5 bucks if they could tell me all the cranial nerves and their functions without looking at my flashcards. So we spent the week arguing with each other ("no way! The trigeminal nerve is not the one responsible for pain...it's taste...<what a crock! you're so wrong!..> blah blah") Not only could they, but they still can to this day!! lol...

    Look, your MIL needs to understand...you CAN become a nurse and still be a great mum. No, not a supermum, but frankly, as a psych nurse now I can tell you, kids of supermums don't do so well in the broad scheme of things anyway. You want to be a "good enough mum". That means, everyone helps with the housework and cooking, including DAD. Of course, as sometimes happens when there is nobody around policing it, people get lazy - if so, the consequence is on them isn't it? I used to often say stuff like, "gee, sorry I don't have time to drive you to Tommy's place now - nobody helped me to clean up this morning, so I have to stay home and do it now, sorry". Nobody is going to become a lesser human being if they don't get bread that has been baked from scratch from homeground wheat - however they certainly will become lesser human beings if they end their childhoods with the idea that it is OK for one person to sacrifice their life, happiness and purpose for another. And don't get me wrong - SAHMs are worthy of great respect; that is the SAHMs who are doing it because being a SAHM is their passion and purpose, not because they "should do it" because happened to be born with a uterus.

    Incidentally, my daughter tells me she wants to go to nursing school!
  11. by   dream'n
    [quote][/
    I copped the same thing as a nursing student (I'm an RN now) and it still upsets me to hear stories like this. Mothering goes so far beyond just keeping everything under control at home - it is about teaching and modelling the kind of behaviour and values that you have, in the hope that the kids will enter the big wide world as adults as whole and productive human beings right? If she "just stops school and takes care of her family", what is she modelling? That if you are female, all hopes, dreams, ambition and passion end at the time you give birth to a baby? Not the kind of idea I want my daughter leaving my home believing! Or my son for that matter!

    My kids are now almost grown and I love to see them actally PLANNING their lives with the honest belief that if they work at it, they can do anything. We had our "cereal for dinner nights" sure, and when they got tired of that, they learned to cook. They copped a bit of stress at exam time, sure..and then they learned to participate in my studies the way I always participated in theirs.

    Besides, who says you have to neglect your family? Why not involve them? Gosh, I remember my kids while I was in nursing school...they were so cool - we used to make up games to help me study. I remember once, I bet them 5 bucks if they could tell me all the cranial nerves and their functions without looking at my flashcards. So we spent the week arguing with each other ("no way! The trigeminal nerve is not the one responsible for pain...it's taste...<what a crock! you're so wrong!..> blah blah") Not only could they, but they still can to this day!! lol...

    Look, your MIL needs to understand...you CAN become a nurse and still be a great mum. No, not a supermum, but frankly, as a psych nurse now I can tell you, kids of supermums don't do so well in the broad scheme of things anyway. You want to be a "good enough mum". That means, everyone helps with the housework and cooking, including DAD. Of course, as sometimes happens when there is nobody around policing it, people get lazy - if so, the consequence is on them isn't it? I used to often say stuff like, "gee, sorry I don't have time to drive you to Tommy's place now - nobody helped me to clean up this morning, so I have to stay home and do it now, sorry". Nobody is going to become a lesser human being if they don't get bread that has been baked from scratch from homeground wheat - however they certainly will become lesser human beings if they end their childhoods with the idea that it is OK for one person to sacrifice their life, happiness and purpose for another. And don't get me wrong - SAHMs are worthy of great respect; that is the SAHMs who are doing it because being a SAHM is their passion and purpose, not because they "should do it" because happened to be born with a uterus.

    Incidentally, my daughter tells me she wants to go to nursing school!
    QUOTE]

    :yeahthat:

    Yes, yes, and yes!
  12. by   SoulShine75
    Sounds like to me this woman has been a parent her whole life...13 children....Lordy...God bless her! I say...you go girl! Sometimes people need to do things for themselves whether they are parents or not. With 13 children I'm sure she has given al of herself and now it's time to give back to herself. The children need to understand that moms have goals and dreams too. Good luck to her :spin:
  13. by   bethin
    Quote from jov
    of course, if that's what marriage means to you, turnabout is fair game, right? So when your husband tells you he is moving to Alaska for two years to fish and hunt year round (leaving you to work AND raise your twin three year olds without him), you'll just say, "of course, dear. We shouldn't have to answer to one another."

    I never felt marriage was about either person answering to another. Silly me, I thought it was about working together for the best interests of each person and the marriage/family as a whole. Which is why I have a problem with this mom in particular going to school if her family is so against it. Maybe they do have issues, in which case they could all work together on the issues to find out what's going on...might be their resistance has some merit that we don't know about?
    I'm sorry, I just had a good laugh at that first paragraph. You see, twins run in the family and out of 15 female cousins, none have had twins yet but I'm the only one who has not reproduced yet. So whey you said "three year old twins" it made me think of what my grandma said to me last week, "Elizabeth, you're the one that is going to have the set of twins. I can feel it."

    If my husband wants to move to Alaska to hunt and fish, if he allowed me, I'd probably take him and the kids. I'd love to go to Alaska. If he didn't allow me, I'd be disappointed but probably move closer to my parents so they can visit with the grandkids more often.

    And, if I do have a set of twins that would make 3 sets between my brother and I. He has one set of girls and is expecting another set of girls.

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