Selfish family?Student Mothers please read! - page 2

I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors... Read More

  1. by   BSNtobe2009
    Quote from melissasmom
    So the kids have to pitch in to help mom achieve her dream. They grumble and complain because they have to do some extra chores around the house. So what- that's what parenting is- teaching your kids to be responsible adults who know how to take care of themselves and others. My big question is where is the hubby in all of this. Doesn't he have some responsibility in taking care of the kids too!
    Great call!
  2. by   Alexsys
    Quote from jov
    Well, this is JMHO:
    While her aspirations to become a nurse are very noble, you still just can't up and quit your "day job." When she signed on for 13 kids, it's not a temp position. I was raised in a relatively large family (6 kids) and have 2 kids of my own. My own observations are the larger the family, the more important it is that there is someone at the helm running it. Just getting lunches done and in the right backpack is a 30 minute deal.
    Not only that but developmentally 3 years old is a big time to have an available parent - and she has two of them! Even the 8 year old and 10 year old will require a lot of time for someone to listen and hug.
    Furthermore, I definitely don't agree with having her older kids raise her younger kids. I understand the concept of working together as a team but I would like to remind you that it wasn't the older kids idea to have 13 kids. It was the parents'. Therefore I don't agree that they should have to raise ANY kids. I have seen a lot of kids from big families (I went to a Catholic school LOL) really resent that because they fell #2 or #4, they spent their time changing diapers, giving baths, feeding and babysitting little ones who fell #11 and #12. If you HAVE the kids, it's up to you to RAISE the kids and not shove it off on the older ones like I see some parents do.
    Also having been raised in a large family, I think the most important job is lovin' those little ones. It's not the same to sit on big sister's lap for your bedtime story as it is for MOM, having mom cuddle you and whisper in your ear and cover you with kisses. That's a job that can't be outsourced and it's a crucial one as well.
    At this point in time, I think she should focus on the job at hand and stick with her responsibilities as a parent. If she waits 7 more years until the 3 year olds are 10, then it would probably be a better time to go to school.

    two more points:
    1) you don't have to be a nurse to go work in 3rd world countries. I know. I've done it.
    2) Age 47 isn't too old to go back to school. Also I know. I've done it.
    So what you are saying is that she should not go to nuring school because she has kids and that she should wait until she is almost 50??

    Just because the teens can help out a bit does not mean they are the ones having to take care of the children. The grown children can help too.
    I am with the majority. I say she should go for it
  3. by   EmerNurse
    Absolutely she should go for it and I'd think her kids would WANT her to do something for herself!

    I went to nursing school with 4 kids at home (two teens) and they and the dh were very supportive! Ok, I lowered my housekeeping standards a tad (erm.. I am more Erma Bombeck than June Cleaver to begin with), and my kids helped out, but I ALWAYS read them stories, helped with homework etc. Of COURSE the older kids should be helping out - they should be doing that ANYWAY imho - families help keep the household going - they all live there, they all contribute!

    My guess is that having a sahm for so long, they're maybe spoiled and not ready for such a change? All you can do is be supportive of her, give her hugs, maybe offer to help if you're nearby, and have a nice chat with your own dh.... will he back YOU up if you have a dream you want to fulfill??

    Tell mil, btw, that she might wanna tape chapters, lectures, whatever, and listen to them while she's cooking dinner, folding laundry, packing lunches etc. I know it helped me and my poor family (including dh lol) has more medical knowledge than they ever wanted! Poor dears!

    She can do it - I'll put her in my prayers. Bring her here - we'll back her up!
  4. by   jov
    Quote from Alexsys
    So what you are saying is that she should not go to nuring school because she has kids and that she should wait until she is almost 50??
    No, I am saying she should not go to nursing school because she has LITTLE kids. And yes, she can wait until she's almost 50 if that is better timing. If she didn't want to wait to go to nursing school, why did she have the twins 3 years ago?

    LOL 50 is not old, btw. Neither is "almost 50?!." If you read my post you would see I entered nursing school at 47. Would not trade nursing school for raising my kids, no way, no how. JMO
  5. by   Deliasgone
    Give her whatever emotional support she needs since she isn't going to get it from her family for now. The resistance from her family may just be related to the change and hopefully they will get used to it, but in the meantime, support her. What she is doing is taking a great amount of courage and she should not be expected to quit. I for one am very proud of her and if I were there I would give her a big hug and tell her to keep on truckin'. The kids can get used to helping out around the house. Anyway, I thought that helping out was a part of you "household job", part of learning how to be a responsible person. Didn't any of these other people have younger siblings that you had to help out with, chores to do, etc?
    Also, since when does doing something for yourself while you have young children mean that you are being a bad mother or negleting your duties? As far as I'm concerned, if you continuously put yourself and your dreams/needs at the bottom of the pile you are just asking for some major depression ad resentment issues in the future.
  6. by   Alexsys
    Quote from jov
    No, I am saying she should not go to nursing school because she has LITTLE kids. And yes, she can wait until she's almost 50 if that is better timing. If she didn't want to wait to go to nursing school, why did she have the twins 3 years ago?

    LOL 50 is not old, btw. Neither is "almost 50?!." If you read my post you would see I entered nursing school at 47. Would not trade nursing school for raising my kids, no way, no how. JMO
    Maybe she didnt think about it until now. Dont see a reason that little kids should stop her from going. Nursing school does not mean she has to give up her family.Other moms of small children did it, she can too.


    To the OP: I hope your MIL goes for it. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. Nothing should stop her from acheiving her goal
  7. by   HeartsOpenWide
    Quote from melissasmom
    So the kids have to pitch in to help mom achieve her dream. They grumble and complain because they have to do some extra chores around the house. So what- that's what parenting is- teaching your kids to be responsible adults who know how to take care of themselves and others. My big question is where is the hubby in all of this. Doesn't he have some responsibility in taking care of the kids too!
    His job is to work....he even makes the kids take his shoes off for him when he gets home.
  8. by   firstyearstudent
    Quote from jov
    No, I am saying she should not go to nursing school because she has LITTLE kids. And yes, she can wait until she's almost 50 if that is better timing. If she didn't want to wait to go to nursing school, why did she have the twins 3 years ago?

    LOL 50 is not old, btw. Neither is "almost 50?!." If you read my post you would see I entered nursing school at 47. Would not trade nursing school for raising my kids, no way, no how. JMO
    I'm raisiing my kids and going to school. I'm in school with a six year old and three year and they're both doing fine. The three year old absolutely loves his Montessori preschool and he gets more attention there then he would at home with me. The six year old would be in school anyway. I get to spend plenty of time with them on days I don't have classes or clinical and I also spend breaks and summers with them. I think I'm actually a better mom to my kids now. When I was stay at home I was cranky and depressed...
  9. by   WDWpixieRN
    Quote from HeartsOpenWide
    The 21yr old, and two older children that are already out of the house (one including my husband) are upset and want her to quit school. They think that because she is spending some much time with school that she is not taking her responsibilities as a parent and is making others that are at home do them for her. (My husband mentioned something along the lines of his mother should just quit school and do her job as a parent) I am not sure how valid their arguments are.
    Wow....my first thought was that if your husband is thinking this way, how's he going to feel/treat you when you start a family (assuming you haven't -- good luck with this)....this is kind of backwards thinking in MY opinion....it is, after all, 2006, and plenty of women work/attend school/volunteer, etc. Has anyone taken in to consideration what SHE wants?!?! If she's just given up her responsibilities at home and isn't doing anything, then there's maybe concern, but I bet she's still cooking, cleaning, shopping, coordinating, and supervising most goings on....and I say that because if she's managed to raise 13 kids, she's probably got a ton of these skills already....

    But the later post about the husband working and having kids take off his shoes has sent me right over the edge....good luck to her, and possibly to you, because this could be a big warning about future expectations from your hubby....
  10. by   RNinJune2007
    Quote from jov
    Furthermore, I definitely don't agree with having her older kids raise her younger kids. I understand the concept of working together as a team but I would like to remind you that it wasn't the older kids idea to have 13 kids. It was the parents'. Therefore I don't agree that they should have to raise ANY kids. I have seen a lot of kids from big families (I went to a Catholic school LOL) really resent that because they fell #2 or #4, they spent their time changing diapers, giving baths, feeding and babysitting little ones who fell #11 and #12. If you HAVE the kids, it's up to you to RAISE the kids and not shove it off on the older ones like I see some parents do.
    I'm sorry, but I feel that this arguement is flawed. In families like that, these responsibilities (like diapering or bathing) are just like chores are in other families. The families that I have seen that do these things are HIGHLY disciplined, the children are so mature (but can still be kids) and well-behaved.

    When I have children, we will work together as a FAMILY on everything, including the care of the younger children if I have many (which I probably won't, but I completely respect the parents that do).

    It's unfair to say that the other kids (and usually the "kids" helping out are older teens who need this sort of responsibility anyway) are RAISING the children for the parents when they are simply helping out.
  11. by   MBARNBSN
    Quote from jov
    No, I am saying she should not go to nursing school because she has LITTLE kids. And yes, she can wait until she's almost 50 if that is better timing. If she didn't want to wait to go to nursing school, why did she have the twins 3 years ago?
    Well, I have little ones that are the same age. If people like you paid bills and ensured that little ones like these have food in their little bodies, clothes on their backs, shelter, and a future full of a good education, then your opinion would matter.

    OP: Support her. From what I have read it sounds like she will have an uphill battle. Not because most big families with SAHMs cannot live without Mommy, but because her kids are too self-centered. They sound like a bunch of spoiled selfish brats!

    I agree with some of the other posters; family does not equate to Mommy doing everything so everyone else can function as NEEDY NON-PARTICIPANTS! :angryfire My parents are from big families and every last child had to do his/her part because both parents had to work inside and outside of the home.

    None of them are as some of the negative posters described, bitter and angry today. All of them are very successful independent people and are very very close and loving to his/her siblings and respectful to my grandparents! In fact, all of the kids chip in and care personally for them in their old age. None of my grandparents are living in a LTC facility.

    On the flip side, I have heard stories from former co-workers who had SAHMs that were Supermom types. The types whose kids did not have to do anything growing up because Mommy did everything. The kind of kids who grow up to be adults that cannot cook, clean, and are careless with money. I am sure you met the type! Anyway, those kids (now adults) are bitter and angry today. They had to bury their Moms during their early adulthood and, in one case, as a child.

    I am no Supermom. I get help when I can with my kids and I teach my kids to do the things their father and I do around the house. As toddlers our kids know how to pick up toys and put away laundry. To my surprise, they are happy to do so! We clean the floors (mop and vacuum) and put up groceries together. When they are old enough their father and I will teach them to do their own laundry, cook, earn money, and spend wisely.

    Did I mention I am a soon to be nursing student and working part-time? I used to work-full time but I started school last year. Again, I am not a Supermom. I get help and my kids are not neglected in the process.umpiron: By the way, they call no one else "Mommy" but me because I am raising them despite others assisting with their care.


    Good luck to you and your MIL. I wish the two of you the best!
  12. by   RNinJune2007
    Also, to respond more to the fact that children helping out with responsibilities around the home is NOT them running it, must I remind everyone that the sole purpose of parenting is to raise fully independent adults?

    We do not raise children (well, we shouldn't), we raise ADULTS.
    And people wonder why so many 30 year olds are living at home...

    It's okay for children\teens have responsibilities.
  13. by   kukukajoo
    ALL The kids should be helping her in any way they can! Heck 13 kids- she has been a mom her entire adult life and now wants just one little thing for herself. The older kids should support her however she needs it.

close