Paranoia or Valid Concern, I Don't Know... - Page 3

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  1. Aug 7, '12 by
    Quote from WahineMakai
    I'm guessing you don't have children.

    For what it's worth, I don't have children either. But to break down this issue into such black/white terms is simply insulting to working/student parents. I cannot imagine the guilt and stress that parents go through when trying to secure a better future for their family, and weighing the pros and cons of each situation. It isn't "very simple" at all.

    It's tough enough making sure that my husband and I schedule enough time together with me in school full-time and working extremely part-time, and him working all the time to support us. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice our relationship or put a strain on it because of my educational focus (we have an extremely healthy relationship with excellent communication, but I have heard from MANY sources that NS can be stressful to a marriage and I will do ANYTHING to make sure that doesn't happen). I can only guess at how much more stressful it would be if we had children in the equation.
    I greatly appreciate your post. I have children and it is incredibly difficult. Last semester, my last semester as a junior, I almost dropped out of my program because tehy changed my schedule and I didn't have anyone to baby-sit. I also can't afford daycare so I always have to rely on my husband or family. It's very hard and I am always stricten with guilt. Before I actually started nursing school I was always part time and took a lot of online classes so I always had time with my kids. My kids and husband always come first but at this point I kind of have to find a way to make due because I'm so close to finishing, I have to finish. It's very hard.
  2. Aug 7, '12 by
    Quote from WahineMakai

    I'm guessing you don't have children.

    For what it's worth, I don't have children either. But to break down this issue into such black/white terms is simply insulting to working/student parents. I cannot imagine the guilt and stress that parents go through when trying to secure a better future for their family, and weighing the pros and cons of each situation. It isn't "very simple" at all.

    It's tough enough making sure that my husband and I schedule enough time together with me in school full-time and working extremely part-time, and him working all the time to support us. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice our relationship or put a strain on it because of my educational focus (we have an extremely healthy relationship with excellent communication, but I have heard from MANY sources that NS can be stressful to a marriage and I will do ANYTHING to make sure that doesn't happen). I can only guess at how much more stressful it would be if we had children in the equation.
    Bare bones it may seem that simple. Obviously that's what most of our social choices come down to - who needs what most?

    But, you're right, it's not quite that simple, kids or not. We have to distinguish between needs and wants and form some sort of hierarchy we can live with, all while the world judges us from the outside.

    When you have to work Christmas, your kids might be upset. But is their desire to have you at home a need or a want? How does is compare to your employer's desire for you to work and your fellow employees wants for holiday time off, as well? What about a husband who also works long hours? Is his need to spend more time with his wife more important than getting overtime to pay for a downpayment on a new house? I have no idea.

    In my case, I guess I'm just struggling with whether or not my idea of my little one needing me is real. He may never have a seizure again, I have no idea. And I'm so used to outing my own wants and needs at the bottom of the list, it's sort of the natural place to put them, anyway. I'm working on that

    Good luck juggling everything on your plate! I think the determination you have to make everything work is the key to everything working!
  3. Aug 7, '12 by
    Quote from Stephalump
    Bare bones it may seem that simple. Obviously that's what most of our social choices come down to - who needs what most?

    But, you're right, it's not quite that simple, kids or not. We have to distinguish between needs and wants and form some sort of hierarchy we can live with, all while the world judges us from the outside.

    When you have to work Christmas, your kids might be upset. But is their desire to have you at home a need or a want? How does is compare to your employer's desire for you to work and your fellow employees wants for holiday time off, as well? What about a husband who also works long hours? Is his need to spend more time with his wife more important than getting overtime to pay for a downpayment on a new house? I have no idea.

    In my case, I guess I'm just struggling with whether or not my idea of my little one needing me is real. He may never have a seizure again, I have no idea. And I'm so used to outing my own wants and needs at the bottom of the list, it's sort of the natural place to put them, anyway. I'm working on that
    I'm sure Ill get crap for this but I think when you are a parent your needs are supposed to be on the bottom of the list..I just think thats the way it goes and its not forever they will grow up and things will change and its a very short time peroid of your life in the big picture. I also don't think going to nursing school is just fullfilling your needs, its something that will benefit your whole family unless you're really rich and are just doing it for the huge fun of it.
  4. Aug 7, '12 by
    Quote from iluvpatho
    I'm sure Ill get crap for this but I think when you are a parent your needs are supposed to be on the bottom of the list..I just think thats the way it goes and its not forever they will grow up and things will change and its a very short time peroid of your life in the big picture. I also don't think going to nursing school is just fullfilling your needs, its something that will benefit your whole family unless you're really rich and are just doing it for the huge fun of it.
    I don't disagree with you, but more often than not, I find there's enough to go around with compromise. My kids need present parents. Money aside, I need to get out of the house. If I work part time or even 3/12s, we'll all be just fine.

    I woke up a month ago and realized I hadn't cut my hair in six months! As a very long and curly haired person, that is super scary and my hair was ridiculously scary. Why didn't I get one? A little because I feel guilty for spending money on myself and a little because I feel guilty making time for myself. My kids can skip going to Denny's for Saturday breakfast every 8 weeks that weekend so mommy can get a haircut and my husband can watch the kids for a few hours on Saturday. And nobody is telling me otherwise except myself.

    That's what I mean by bottom of the list. Of course if my child was starving and we only had one apple, I'd give him the apple. But I don't think denying yourself happiness just because is a good strategy...a martyr mommy is not a happy mommy. And, interestingly, I've noticed that that kind of relationship with your kids doesn't necessarily end when they're 18. When you totally lose yourself to your children, not only do they expect you to continue to behavior throughout life, and you find you don't have anything else, so why not?

    But, no, I'm not rich. We can survive on one income, but we seriously need things like health insurance. My husband makes too much for the kids to qualify for Medicaid, but not enough to afford to pay for our own.
    BelleNscrubs04 and GrnTea like this.
  5. Aug 7, '12 by
    Quote from Stephalump
    I don't disagree with you, but more often than not, I find there's enough to go around with compromise. My kids need present parents. Money aside, I need to get out of the house. If I work part time or even 3/12s, we'll all be just fine.

    I woke up a month ago and realized I hadn't cut my hair in six months! As a very long and curly haired person, that is super scary and my hair was ridiculously scary. Why didn't I get one? A little because I feel guilty for spending money on myself and a little because I feel guilty making time for myself. My kids can skip going to Denny's for Saturday breakfast every 8 weeks that weekend so mommy can get a haircut and my husband can watch the kids for a few hours on Saturday. And nobody is telling me otherwise except myself.

    That's what I mean by bottom of the list. Of course if my child was starving and we only had one apple, I'd give him the apple. But I don't think denying yourself happiness just because is a good strategy...a martyr mommy is not a happy mommy. And, interestingly, I've noticed that that kind of relationship with your kids doesn't necessarily end when they're 18. When you totally lose yourself to your children, not only do they expect you to continue to behavior throughout life, and you find you don't have anything else, so why not?

    But, no, I'm not rich. We can survive on one income, but we seriously need things like health insurance. My husband makes too much for the kids to qualify for Medicaid, but not enough to afford to pay for our own.
    Just because I said I put my kids first doesn't mean I'm not raising them to be independent people and that I'm going to be coming over cleaning their room when they're 30. But yes my family comes first and I go without often but I'm happy and often my husband does teh same for me. He puts himself last and recognizes when I need a break or surprises me with flowers and a girt certificate to go get my hair done or what not. I'm not a martyr but thats the way I was raised and I do the same for my kids. All in all although I think I may have offended (which was not my intention) you do realize that I am a senior about to graduate so obviously I made the choice to go to nursing school and finish my degree which is what you were questioning doing because you were worried it was selfish so in that respect then I am also selfish. Anyhow long story short if I offended you I'm sorry, I was just stated how I feel and I respect all kinds of mothers becuase no matter if you are a stay at home mother or a working mother there is no easy way-all mothers work very hard.
  6. Aug 7, '12 by
    I have children. They're grown. But when they were young, for me it was that simple. Their needs superceded my own. Not always. I'm no martyr, but in the big picture they came first. That's the way it's supposed to be. I'm sorry if it's hard. I'm sorry if you don't want to be last.

    Believe me, you have one chance to do it right when it comes to kids. There are no do-overs. No uh ohs. No oops, I should have made the other choice.
    You describe a seizure disorder. A seizure disorder! Then rationalize why you think you can compromise this condition in order to get what you want. "He may never have another one". I'm not sure who wrote that, but you'd honestly gamble that possibility? Yikes. If he had only one would that be acceptable? Maybe three short ones? It's ok if you don't see them?

    The OP asked for opinions, which I gave. As is usually the case here, nobody really wants to share opinions. They just want validation for what they've already decided to do. Disrespect and demean the person who dares to disagree with the majority opinon.

    I respectfully disagree with those who think you can have it all. You can't.
    Compromises are settlements ensuring that each person gets a part of what they want. Nobody gets exactly what they need. Just a portion.

    Some things ARE black and white. Maybe the problem with our society is that nobody sees that anymore.
    Last edit by imintrouble on Aug 7, '12
    iluvpatho likes this.
  7. Aug 7, '12 by
    Quote from iluvpatho
    Just because I said I put my kids first doesn't mean I'm not raising them to be independent people and that I'm going to be coming over cleaning their room when they're 30. But yes my family comes first and I go without often but I'm happy and often my husband does teh same for me. He puts himself last and recognizes when I need a break or surprises me with flowers and a girt certificate to go get my hair done or what not. I'm not a martyr but thats the way I was raised and I do the same for my kids. All in all although I think I may have offended (which was not my intention) you do realize that I am a senior about to graduate so obviously I made the choice to go to nursing school and finish my degree which is what you were questioning doing because you were worried it was selfish so in that respect then I am also selfish. Anyhow long story short if I offended you I'm sorry, I was just stated how I feel and I respect all kinds of mothers becuase no matter if you are a stay at home mother or a working mother there is no easy way-all mothers work very hard.
    No, not offended. I wasn't talking about you personally...I have absolutely no clue how you raise your kids or what choices you've made or what the outcome of your decisions will be . I was just talking about the idea of "putting your kids first" and how I feel that's affected my about to make these kinds of choices. I didn't go back and read the post, but it came across as defensive that wasn't my intent at all. I just tend to talk and talk and talk about ideas haha.
  8. Aug 7, '12 by
    Quote from imintrouble
    I have children. They're grown. But when they were young, for me it was that simple. Their needs superceded my own. Not always. I'm no martyr, but in the big picture they came first. That's the way it's supposed to be. I'm sorry if it's hard. I'm sorry if you don't want to be last.

    Believe me, you have one chance to do it right when it comes to kids. There are no do-overs. No uh ohs. No oops, I should have made the other choice.
    You describe a seizure disorder. A seizure disorder! Then rationalize why you think you can compromise this condition in order to get what you want.

    The OP asked for opinions, which I gave. As is usually the case here, people post and then dismiss those posts that don't conform to what the poster really wants to do. Disrespect and demean the person who dares to disagree with the majority opinon.

    I respectfully disagree with those who think you can have it all. You can't.
    Compromises are settlements ensuring that each person gets a part of what they want. Nobody gets exactly what they need. Just a portion.

    Some things ARE black and white. Maybe the problem with our society is that nobody sees that anymore.
    I'm not attacking your opinion, just responding to it with mine and my thoughts. Clearly, I'm conflicted, so I value input from both sides of the issue. If I just wanted someone to say "Do whatever you want," I sure as heck wouldn't have come here, and my husband is a pro at that.

    My point, because obviously I came across the wrong way, was that there are varying perspectives about what is a "need." I would never knowingly put my kids needs beneath me, but I don't always trust my "need radar" because I'm quite used to overreacting. My baby's seizures scare me to death, but from the medical perspective, they're harmless except that one in a million time when things go bad. We happen to have one of those times...so is having him attached to my hip just irrational fear left over from watching him turn blue before my eyes? Or would I really be shirking some sort of parental duty. THAT is what I'm struggling with.

    18 months ago, we literally had NOTHING. No home. No money. Food from a pantry. I know
    Exactly what it's like to literally survive solely for my children. My reasons for going to school are

    1) We need health insurance. I've been without for 4 years and I'll gladly continue, but my children need it - particularly my youngster

    2) Living at the poverty level we were at for two years was in no way an advantage to our Holden, and I feel the need to protect them from going through that ever again, by bringing in an income. Trust me, I'm not saving up for a BMW.
    Last edit by Stephalump on Aug 7, '12
  9. Aug 7, '12 by
    you might also consider asking your pediatrician/pedi np for an opinion on when your kiddo can tolerate exposure to more people. hint: if the sibling is going to go to daycare and you are going to go to nursing school, he will be exposed to plenty of bugs-- the ones you bring home.

    i'm sure you don't want to keep him in a bubble. if he gets a cold, he doesn't necessarily get enough of a fever to trigger a febrile seizure (which are, as i'm sure you know, generally considered to be harmless); he does get a chance to build up his immunities to common community bugs. ask your pediatrician/pedi np for ways to gently goose his immune system-- he's going to need it.
    BelleNscrubs04 and sharpeimom like this.
  10. Aug 7, '12 by
    Quote from GrnTea
    You might also consider asking your pediatrician/pedi NP for an opinion on when your kiddo can tolerate exposure to more people. Hint: If the sibling is going to go to daycare and you are going to go to nursing school, he will be exposed to plenty of bugs-- the ones you bring home.

    I'm sure you don't want to keep him in a bubble. If he gets a cold, he doesn't necessarily get enough of a fever to trigger a febrile seizure (which are, as I'm sure you know, generally considered to be harmless); he does get a chance to build up his immunities to common community bugs. Ask your pediatrician/pedi NP for ways to gently goose his immune system-- he's going to need it.
    I will definitely be talking to his pediatrician! But I know her well enough to know she'll most likely tell me not be concerned and to go merrily on my way. Because, like you said, and I should clarified in my original post, the vast majority of febrile seizures are harmless. Since they are focal and prolonged and he has had complications in the past, he does have to go to the hospital every time, though, and post care has to be meticulous because he's prone to having more than one.

    No, i definitely don't want a bubble. :-/ I guess ive never thought of it that way because his brother and sister drag all kinds of junk home from school, so we're not exactly in an aseptic environment. I just think of daycare as the ultimate germ submersion But I don't want to be a crazed overprotective parent, either.

    Thanks! I'll definitely be talking to my doctor!!