My husband won't let me do bed baths - page 10

I told my husband that we are doing bed baths in lab on Friday. He looked at me strange and asked me why on earth I would want to do that. I told him that it is just something you do as a nurse. He... Read More

  1. by   redding-er-rn
    I think what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Put it to him this way. He would want to have his needs tended to if he ever were unable to do for himself. How would he feel if he was smelly and dirty and no nurse tried to help him get cleaned up. I wouldn't tell him about the catheters if he has issues with practicing bed baths. I think his issue is someone bathing you not you bathing another person though.
  2. by   emeraldjay
    I had an off the wall thought here. Maybe the OP should give her DH a bed bath just as she would a patient. If she wants him to feel like a patient, make him put a bathrobe on backward, get some ace wraps and wrap his dominant arm in a sling, then get to washing. I'll bet he'll find that neither the bather or the bathed will get much of a thrill.

    I do hope the OP's school teaches peri care on a manniquin before they get to patients. I've seen too many get in the field and wash back to front rather than front to back. I usually secretly wish the person would suffer the results of washing in the wrong direction, even for one day.
  3. by   cuddlesrose
    How long have you all been married? He sounds rather close minded to me. What is he afraid of. My husband knows that I come home to him and that as a healthcare professional there is nothing funny about what we do. Tell your husband to grow up and stop being so controlling. If he were the patient and had not had a bath for a couple of days he would be glad for anyone to give him a bath. Stick to your guns. It will pay off.:smiley_ab :
  4. by   RNyea
    First of all, I disagree with everyone. I believe that a marriage that is not built on honesty is not really a marriage. You need to tell your husband what will be expected of you as a nurse. Then you may have to choose what is most important to you---your marriage or a career. Personally, I believe that marriage is a permanent covenant that we make and supercedes all other relationships and things in life. The Word of God says that your husband does own your body and you own his. (I Corinthians) When my husband and I married, we decided that we had the right to "veto" each other---if one of us just couldn't stand what the other might be doing, etc. If you are married, your first "career" is to love your husband and children and make sure their needs are met. If you have time after that priority, then that decision is up to you and your husband jointly. This isn't just about you--if you are married and understand what marriage means. I don't buy the excuse that your husband is "insecure". I think that is just who he is and God asks us to respect our husbands since they have been given to us to take care of. Why would taking care of others be MORE IMPORTANT than taking care of your own husband emotionally and in every other way? You have some "priority" thinking to do ----that is if you value your marriage.
  5. by   777RNThatsMe
    We did not give baths or practice on each other at all, ever. And I would have been pretty uncomfortable...as it is often uncomfortable for patients - and those patients can say "no." (most of them anyway).

    I can't blame your DH for being worried. he doesn't want to even take the chance. So what. doesn't make him bad.

    The thing is...you do need to explain how personal nurse and patient get in most floors. if this is an issue then you need to respect your marriage and find an area of nursing where you do not have to do RC etc. Trust me if he knew how unpleasant it was for a nurse to do these things...he wouldn't worry. It isn't fun for patient or nurse! It's an invasion of privacy. But, you have to do it for their benefit healthwise so it gets done and that is all. So explain that to him. But at the same time... you should ask for a female. Respect your marriage. Someone else posted it needs to come first..and it does. And at the same time....a person can trust and still know what temptations lie out there--your classmate is human, not a patient..but a guy. You never know.

    Avoid situations where it may compromise your marriage. If you have a husband who is a jealous fool ...well he needs to work on that but at the same time some temptations in this world are quite real so maybe he's just looking at it from that point of view. But again if he only knew how UNsexual it all is..nursing....I mean it's downright gross. maybe he needs to understand THAT part of it. Good luck..but put your marriage first.
    Last edit by 777RNThatsMe on Oct 8, '06
  6. by   ZASHAGALKA
    Quote from RNyea
    First of all, I disagree with everyone. I believe that a marriage that is not built on honesty is not really a marriage. You need to tell your husband what will be expected of you as a nurse. Then you may have to choose what is most important to you---your marriage or a career. Personally, I believe that marriage is a permanent covenant that we make and supercedes all other relationships and things in life. The Word of God says that your husband does own your body and you own his. (I Corinthians) When my husband and I married, we decided that we had the right to "veto" each other---if one of us just couldn't stand what the other might be doing, etc. If you are married, your first "career" is to love your husband and children and make sure their needs are met. If you have time after that priority, then that decision is up to you and your husband jointly. This isn't just about you--if you are married and understand what marriage means. I don't buy the excuse that your husband is "insecure". I think that is just who he is and God asks us to respect our husbands since they have been given to us to take care of. Why would taking care of others be MORE IMPORTANT than taking care of your own husband emotionally and in every other way? You have some "priority" thinking to do ----that is if you value your marriage.
    You contradict yourself in your 2nd sentence: you describe marriage as being regardless of the values of your spouse, but you state at the very beginning that YOU believe there are qualities that make a marriage 'not really a marriage'. And the quality you describe as so important: honesty. Well, let me stipulate that jealousy is dishonest.

    It is a direct attack on the fidelity of a relationship. Jealousy takes internal insecurities and dishonestly projects them upon the fidelity of a spouse. In reality, there is NO relationship between jealousy and infidelity. Jealousy is the FEAR of an unfaithful action and not a response to such an action itself. As such, an attempt to connect the two - fear to an act - is dishonest.

    Your quote above is out of context. 1 Cor 7: 3-5 is clearly about sexual relations and NOT about spiritual domination.

    But, if we want to quote scripture, let's try, in context, Eph 5:27 where it says that a husband has an obligation to present his wife as 'radiant'. Or vs 28 where a husband is obligated to love his wife 'as himself'.

    Let me stipulate that unbridled jealousy is neither.

    I completely understand the importance of faith in a relationship. Jealousy undermines that.

    The Bible does not grant any spouse the right to 'veto' the dreams of another. That is a complete misunderstanding. Marriage is about bringing each other along, not holding them back. A Biblical understanding of marriage is about growing, not about checking a partner.

    While I agree that marriage should be the highest earthbound priority in life, I disagree that such a high contract gives a spouse the right to abuse such intimacy, or to use it as leverage to promote their own selfish agenda. In stark contrast, it demands a higher respect of both the contract itself, and the partner in that contract.

    And THAT is wholly at issue here.

    Your viewpoint is noble, but doesn't speak to the real trials and key concessions that make a marriage successful. It's not enough to decide that a marriage is the most important thing: you have to MAKE it that way. And that requires presenting a wife as 'radiant'. Using the power of that bond to 'get your way' at the expense of a spouse trying to excel in the world falls far shy of 'radiant'.

    And Paul, in 1 Cor 7, fully understood this. Read that chapter again and see how it discusses the very real issue of marriage in chaos. Oh yes! I agree that faith can overcome such obstacles. But it takes the faith of two partners.

    Jealousy is unfaithful.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
    Last edit by ZASHAGALKA on Oct 8, '06
  7. by   777RNThatsMe
    Timothy - how do you know that this guy is crushing his wife. How do you know he doesn't feel he is protecting her. Unless you know the entire/exact conversation and heart and marriage behind it..I'd be careful about making such assumptions (but then again there are 13 pages on this thread that I have not read).

    A husbands job is to protect his wife and, as the head of the household he does PRAYERFULY have the last word.

    I don't want to debate but that is the fact.
  8. by   DeLySh
    Quote from ZASHAGALKA
    You contradict yourself in your 2nd sentence: you describe marriage as being regardless of the values of your spouse, but you state at the very beginning that YOU believe there are qualities that make a marriage 'not really a marriage'. And the quality you describe as so important: honesty. Well, let me stipulate that jealousy is dishonest.

    It is a direct attack on the fidelity of a relationship. Jealousy takes internal insecurities and dishonestly projects them upon the fidelity of a spouse. In reality, there is NO relationship between jealousy and infidelity. Jealousy is the FEAR of an unfaithful action and not a response to such an action itself. As such, an attempt to connect the two - fear to an act - is dishonest.

    Your quote above is out of context. 1 Cor 7: 3-5 is clearly about sexual relations and NOT about spiritual domination.

    But, if we want to quote scripture, let's try, in context, Eph 5:27 where it says that a husband has an obligation to present his wife as 'radiant'. Or vs 28 where a husband is obligated to love his wife 'as himself'.

    Let me stipulate that unbridled jealousy is neither.

    I completely understand the importance of faith in a relationship. Jealousy undermines that.

    The Bible does not grant any spouse the right to 'veto' the dreams of another. That is a complete misunderstanding. Marriage is about bringing each other along, not holding them back. A Biblical understanding of marriage is about growing, not about checking a partner.

    While I agree that marriage should be the highest earthbound priority in life, I disagree that such a high contract gives a spouse the right to abuse such intimacy, or to use it as leverage to promote their own selfish agenda. In stark contrast, it demands a higher respect of both the contract itself, and the partner in that contract.

    And THAT is wholly at issue here.

    Your viewpoint is noble, but doesn't speak to the real trials and key concessions that make a marriage successful. It's not enough to decide that a marriage is the most important thing: you have to MAKE it that way. And that requires presenting a wife as 'radiant'. Using the power of that bond to 'get your way' at the expense of a spouse trying to excel in the world falls far shy of 'radiant'.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.

    WOW!!

    Thank you for such an eye opening post!
  9. by   ZASHAGALKA
    Quote from 777RNThatsMe
    Timothy - how do you know that this guy is crushing his wife. How do you know he doesn't feel he is protecting her. Unless you know the entire/exact conversation and heart and marriage behind it..I'd be careful about making such assumptions (but then again there are 13 pages on this thread that I have not read).

    A husbands job is to protect his wife and, as the head of the household he does PRAYERFULY have the last word.

    I don't want to debate but that is the fact.
    This is not the proper forum to discuss 'submit to your husband', but let me point out that everywhere that is mentioned it comes with an equal command, 'serve your wife'. That is a spiritual dance, not a free pass to be overbearing.

    It comes down to this: faced with the non-sexual obligations of a program, the husband is putting his own fears first. And, he is using the contract of marriage to make such demands.

    If jealousy is enough at issue to invoke the marriage contract to contain such fears, then, by itself, that is relevant enough to justify the comments I have made.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
    Last edit by ZASHAGALKA on Oct 8, '06
  10. by   augigi
    Quote from 777RNThatsMe
    A husbands job is to protect his wife and, as the head of the household he does PRAYERFULY have the last word.
    Oh my god, what century are you living in? Puhleese.
  11. by   bradleau
    I only had one male student in my class. We did bed baths to each other, but he did his to a manequin. I don't remember if the male student received a bath. My husband has been very supportive, letting me practice these skills on him. Bath, shave,even starting my first IV on him. Can you imagine having to give allergy shots to your instructer? We all ended up having to pass that test. By the way this was in 1973.
    Perhaps you will have to be a little less open about your training with your husband. ( Is he a control freak? Telling you what to do and when?) I hope not.
    I had surgery in 1975 and needed a pain shot. The male RN Navy officer said he would have to get a female to come in with him as he was not allowed to do this without a female witness. I was in a room with 3 other female patients ( who all happened to be nurses, too). I had him pull the curtain back and let my roommates be the witnesses. Hey, I hurt, and it did not bother me who did what as long as they were competent.
    I remember long time ago where a husband would not allow the only medical help available when his wife was giving birth,because the help was MALE. He held a gun, and no matter how his wife pleaded, she did not get medical help and died. Her husband went to prison. The baby died, too.
    I think in the end he relised that he lost more than his wife,son and freedom.
    Let your instucter know that you would not prefer to be bathed by a male student..and that you would prefer not to bath a male. If I was your instucter, I would work around the male/female issue.
    If your husband wants to do your bed baths when you get sick, hey he can do them. Nurses don't mind having a family member help with the work load. I guess he only wants you to do his personal care, too.
    Some Faiths prefer only females take care of females. We work with this aspect, too.
    Keep on with your training and don't tell more than you need to your husband. With the privacy act, you are limited in telling anything now...to unload from a bad day, or whatever.
  12. by   Fun2, RN, BSN
    This man needs to do some more praying then because I don't think jealousy is condoned.



    Quote from 777RNThatsMe
    Timothy - how do you know that this guy is crushing his wife. How do you know he doesn't feel he is protecting her. Unless you know the entire/exact conversation and heart and marriage behind it..I'd be careful about making such assumptions (but then again there are 13 pages on this thread that I have not read).

    A husbands job is to protect his wife and, as the head of the household he does PRAYERFULY have the last word.

    I don't want to debate but that is the fact.
  13. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Heh. My husband is NOT head of the household, we SHARE the household, as equal partners. This being the year 2006 and all. And for us, marriage is a partnership. THAT is fact.

    My husband knows "love me, love my career" he knew that before we got married, he knows how much it means to me, and i can't think of anyone else who supports me so unconditionally, and i do the same for him. He would stop at nothing to protect me, BUT, he also knows that i am quite capable of protecting myself.

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