I register for school on Wednesday. Today, while riding in the car on my way to the hairdresser my husband asked me a very good question.
"Why do you need to get your hair done for registration?!" I said "Because I don't want my student ID photo to look bad." which is true. But then, I had to delve further into my own subconscious to see if there was more to the story. I mean, it's more than just a fourty dollar hair do. I have a brand new outfit I received for Mother's Day, that I saved for this day. And another new outfit for the first day of school.
OMG! I am not in high school anymore. What the hell is my issue?!
I'm scarred from the time spanning my middle and high school years. I grew up in a well-to-do neighborhood, went to a pretty decent suburban school. But, I'm black. I mean, there were plenty of black kids at school, but some were very mean, and judgemental (I wasn't "Black enough")...as were some of the richer whites. Not everyone, mind you. Just the ones with the BIGGEST voices. People spread raunchy rumors about me, people whom I believed to be my friends or associates were just as evil when my back was turned. My two best friends were white, and I got a LOT of flack for it. Even though my clothes came from the same stores as everyone else, my parents drove late model cars, I was a cheerleader, whatever... I was still persecuted. And I still hurt. I do not want this to turn into a racial debate by any means, as I love all people. I am just saying... I have a serious fear.
That I am going to step foot into that large room with people whom I will be spending each day with for a year. And I fear I will be hated, and talked about, and have no friends. I also fear walking into that room and seeing the face of someone who caused me so much pain five years ago.
And I don't really know if I can do this...
Jun 8, '04
goodness, your life sounds just like mine. not black enough for my own people. to make it worse i am biracial...i had 2 strikes against me according to these kids. never understood it, never will. i just had to suck it up. i still from time to time have the fears you have...because even though we aren't in high school anymore, there are still those judgemental brothers and sisters....judging before they know you. like i said, i just have to put it aside and be the nice person i am, kill em with kindness...show them that i am just like them, have the same struggles, have the same fears. i remember reading your posts where you have been so pumped about school...what happened! girl...remember what it's all for. don't talk yourself out of nursing school. you are going to have an amazing support system at school, and you will have support here. you can do it! don't think, just do...you are about to talk yourself out of an amazing oppurtunity...don't go there. forget the jealous ones you knew in high school...they are in the past, and their ignorance has made you stronger, you know this. you're going to be just fine. my prayers are with you. i just want you to know that there are others that endured the same ridicule in school. i totally empathize with what you are saying.you are in no way alone, so trudge on. you will not regret it! be blessed.
if ever, i mean ever you want to email me...my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
Last edit by Truly_Blessed on Jun 8, '04