Marriage distress

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I am a senior nursing student whose marriage has gone into complete turmoil since I have started school. Any suggestions? I don't really know what's going on. I almost feel my husband is threatend by my new career choice, or maybe my lack of being home because of school and clinicals, he is always making crazy accusations. Will it get better?

HELP!!!!!

Specializes in Geriatrics, Cardiac, ICU.
I am a senior nursing student whose marriage has gone into complete turmoil since I have started school. Any suggestions? I don't really know what's going on. I almost feel my husband is threatend by my new career choice, or maybe my lack of being home because of school and clinicals, he is always making crazy accusations. Will it get better?

HELP!!!!!

I didn't even think to ask. What kind of crazy accusations is he making? Like Jen said, people tend to start projecting things they are doing onto their spouse if they have a guilty conscious. My husband ( we are now separated) accused me of cheating just because I was at the library a lot! I was taking, US History, Micro, Chemistry, Women's Studies, and English all in the same semester. I had two labs and they had midterms and finals just like the other classes. Did he understand this? No! He claimed no one goes to class all day and then studies all night too. Well, I'm sorry but I did. I went to class and stayed on campus until 5:00 pm and then came home and reviewed. I swear I would have made the A's I wanted but I got B's because of his constant beratement. I was reasonable and talked to him, but he wouldn't listen. The funny thing is, the next semester when I wasn't taking so many classes, he acted like he was too busy for me! Trust me, he wasn't, this was just how he acted. I kept telling him, when I graduated, this would be worth it. I don't see how he had room to talk when he was neither in school OR working. Anyway, just talk to your husband, maybe he just needs reassurance, but you need to make sure nothing else is going on either.

Specializes in Operating Room.

Make sure you have a heart to heart conversation with him.

There's always that really crazy idea of nurses & doctors getting together, and this may be running through his mind.

He may be having a problem with the thought of you seeing male patients w/o clothes, and having to clean/shave/etc them.

You need to reassure him. Plan a weekend getaway, write a nice love letter, put little notes that simply say, "I love you" in places that he will be sure to see.

(In fact, I woke up Saturday morning & went to my desk. I moved the top sheet of paper that I have been practicing Algebra on & and on the second sheet was a "I love you" that my hubby had wrote. :) That's very unlike him, but a total confidence booster in our marriage.

Go to counseling, if things get that bad off. Counseling may be able to dig out what needs to be fixed.

Try to arrange time just for you and your husband. Even if it's just once a month, plan a date night. My DH and I used to have date night every Saturday night, but since I started back to school, it has come almost to a halt. However, we do try at least once a month. It helps tremendously, especially because we have children.

When you have your "date night" do not talk about school, or work for that matter. Make it a night to put all stressors aside and enjoy each other.

On another thought, many people feel that one person in a relationship, usually the woman, should back away from getting their education in cases like this. I don't see it that way. I see it as "if my husband were to pass away, if we end up getting a divorce in the future, or if he is disabled and can't work, I have to have a way to provide for my family."

A minimum-wage job won't cut it for a family of 4, or 3 with or w/o child support (if that be the case). Call me gloomy, but I have to look at the whole picture, not just the fact that I want an education.

I hope things work out for you, just make sure to reassure your hubby of your love. :)

My husband and I separated ways because he found someone new while he's working far away. In my case, I used studying as means of keeping myself busy so as not to wallow in misery thinking of what he had done. It's a shame because I'm doing this for him and my son. Though our situation is different, I feel as if your situation can be solved by open communication, and based from the fundamentals of nursing, open communication starts with trust. This is very hard to establish, but once you get there, everything else follows. Tell him that you are not only doing this for yourself but also for him. Make him get involved with what you are going through so he'd understand what it is like. Once he gets to see the kind of world you are experiencing right now, he'd realize that this is a step to making the both of you happy. Make him feel that you going through school needs your teamwork as a married couple. Maybe then, he'd begin to feel that whatever you achieve is also his achievement.

Thanks Jen and Jess. We'll see what the future holds!!!:rolleyes:

Amber

Hubby & I have always had a strong marriage (22 years!). But I'll tell you, we have NEVER gone through stress like we have since I started school. We all know how stressful and time-consuming school is, and let's face it, our spouses miss us! We went through some really crazy stuff recently-unfounded accusations, etc., that had never happened before between us. We both settled down and discussed things together, which helped. Turned out, in addition to the stress of me being in school, hubby is depressed (I"VE known it for 2-3 years. He just took a bit longer to realize it LOL). He is on Wellbutrin now and is feeling much better about things. I try to make as much time as possible for him, and keep reminding him about our dream to move South after I graduate.

This summer, I made sure we spent a lot of time together and that also helped. It helps for us to remind each other that this is simply a season of our lives together, and that it will pass. Best of luck to you!

Thank you again everyone your posts are great!!! I have tried talking to my husband, the communication thing is just not working, he clams up. He says counseling is not an option you know HE doesn't need help. I do know that I have never felt so unsure of my marriage as I do now. We have two wonderful daughters. He just doesn't understand that I am doing this for him and our girls just as much for myself. We will have to see. Again thanks everyone!!!!:p

Specializes in Urgent Care.

Hang in there. You are a senior you said, so not much longer to go now.

I can speak to the fact that nursing school is hard on marriages. I have been married twice, and both times we split up right as my wife was nearing graduation for nursing school. The second time we saved it.

Make sure to make some special time for the two of you together, on a regular basis, that will make a big difference. I dont think it is very often that men actually feel intimidated by their wife getting educated. But rather that they feel like you wont be so dependenat on them, and their role as the provider is lessened. make sure he knows, regularly, that is not the case. Not having time for each other reinforces to him the fact that you may not need him so much.

BTW: I am the one in nursing school this time. so I hope it is easier for us as we already went thru it together once.

Thank you again everyone your posts are great!!! I have tried talking to my husband, the communication thing is just not working, he clams up. He says counseling is not an option you know HE doesn't need help. I do know that I have never felt so unsure of my marriage as I do now. We have two wonderful daughters. He just doesn't understand that I am doing this for him and our girls just as much for myself. We will have to see. Again thanks everyone!!!!:p

If he won't go, then go by yourself. He may think he's just fine, but any man whose wife is unhappy has a problem whether or not he wants to admit it.

My husband and I have stayed married for more than thirty years, in part, because we have treated our marriage as our first baby. There's him, there's me, and then there is us. Whenever he or I have a need or a problem, the "us" is affected and the other one sits up and takes notice. Nothing can happen to him or to me that doesn't register in the "us." We each retain our independence but we have a unity of spirit and purpose that we work very hard to protect and maintain. Like I said, the us is our baby and we care for it tenderly.

I'm afraid a lot of marriages are made up of two individuals who haven't truly formed an us. It's never too late, but it does take two willing partners.

I hope your husband is only having a temporary brain fart and will come around. Chances are, he's operating out of fear right now and men convert that vulnerable emotion into something that doesn't feel so scary--anger. Try not to lock horns with him over non-essentials. They're only distractions. Tell him how much you need him and miss your sense of connection. And, if you are a praying person, ask God to give you a strong spirit and a gracious tongue.

Again, go for counseling on your own if he won't go with you. Ask around for recommendations or try several till you find someone who has a voice of reason and doesn't have their own axe to grind. Whatever the outcome, you need to be taking care of yourself and getting moral support.

Keep coming back here for fresh infusions of encouragement. We'll be happy to oblige.

I know how you feel, I've thought it, but my marriage couldn't be saved. My now ex-husband said to me the week I started nursing school that he wanted to leave me but we talking things though & stayed together for about 10 months when I ended up leaving, & we talking things over & I moved back home again for it to break down for a third time, when I left for good.

I agree with what's been said that communication is the key & I think nursing school is so hard on marriages (I think I read that there is a high divorce rate amount nursing students) as partners feel threatens by a partners knowledge they are gaining.

You will come thought this & it will make you a stronger person. Even though it was a horrible thing to go though I've become a lot more assertive & independent because of it.

My husband and I are barely getting by. I think that he thinks school is easy and I go and party and hang out with friends all day. You think he would know me better than that. He resents that I am in school, he had the option when he was younger and decided against it. Since hindsight is 20/20 he realizes what he threw away. I guess he feels it is easier to resent me for it than face his own reality.

I hate several things about school, I hate always having stuff due, I hate not being in control of my time, I hate clinical instructors who should never have been given their licenses, I hate that my house is a freakin pig sty, I hate that I am stressed beyond what is humanly possible, I hate that I get short with my kids. Now that is how I really feel. But, I choose not to focus on the things I hate, I choose to focus instead on the things I love. I guess since I don't complain about school enough he thinks I am loving every minute of it.

I know we can hang on until I graduate, but that is all it is, hanging on. I hope to then be able to work on things. I told him when I was done he could go back to school. I will choose to be supportive of him and hope he sees what it is to get support. I know he loves me, but I also know he doesn't know how to express himself. I know exactly what you are going through, I wrote a chapter in that book.

My husband is acting in the same manner. He complains I am never here for him and he has to do too much by himself. @@ I stayed home with the kids for years and kept putting myself off so to tell you the truth, I really don't care how he feels right now. I feel it is my turn.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. You don't need the added stress. I hope it improves for you! Good luck!!

Eileen

Specializes in Geriatrics, Cardiac, ICU.
My husband is acting in the same manner. He complains I am never here for him and he has to do too much by himself. @@ I stayed home with the kids for years and kept putting myself off so to tell you the truth, I really don't care how he feels right now. I feel it is my turn.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. You don't need the added stress. I hope it improves for you! Good luck!!

Eileen

This saying may be outdated, but ''You GO Girl!!"

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