Husband is not ready for me to go to nursing school!! - page 4
Ok long story short i have always wanted to become a nurse and alot of things were holding me back before. Now i am ready to go get my LVN and then bridge over for my RN but my husband is being mean... Read More
Sep 22This is simple jealousy. He will have a much harder time pretending he's superior to you when you are demonstrably better educated and probably make more money. This is a male pride issue. The fact that he is pretending that his schooling is more important but can't be bothered to start is simply trying to keep you down for his own selfish reasons.
Sep 22I had the same problem years ago. Long story short - he was right. Without a college degree, he made a good living for us, worked hard, was attentive husband and father. Just wanted me to wait until our three kids were older. I waited ten years til youngest was 17. He still didn't like it but "allowed" me to start school. We had two kids and me in college, no assistance from government other than my nursing scholarship for my last two years. I knew he was happy for me when he bought me a "first aid kit" in my second semester... He later retired at age 60 and I worked 19 years til age 67. I love that man for his love and support all those years and am glad to still have him. I do think the OP should get some kind of counseling with her husband about what else may be going on with them. But the advice to leave him, divorce him, etc. is just wrong. A marriage is a partnership. Education should not come before the marriage. The marriage should be their priority in life, otherwise, why are they married?
Sep 22We don't know your life, but maybe ask yourself if he's a "crab." Put them in a pot of boiling water and they'll yank each other back down over and over again until they're all dinner. It's not a perfect analogy, but if it feels like he's opposed to the idea out of spite or insecurity I'd ask him AND yourself some questions. There are people of either sex and in all kinds of situations who get sucked into keeping everyone down on their level, I hope you guys can come to some sort of resolution.
A major practical consideration though is what is he hoping to study? If nursing is more lucrative in less time you have a pretty solid reason to prioritize your studies. Just an idea.
EDIT: I just saw where you wrote that "when he gets mad at me he tells me that i will never be anything but a housewife." That's a mean, spiteful little man. I've booted everyone who's ever spoken to me like that out of my life and I wouldn't change that for the world.Last edit by amok on Sep 22 : Reason: Addition
Sep 22I am glad you are going to counseling, however I think no matter what happens you should go ahead to school. If he sees that this is important to you he will come around. If he doesn't he's probably not the right partner for you. It also bothers me that you say he criticizes you about not doing anything with your life and is setting you up to be blamed for not completing school that he hasn't even started yet. Red flags for me that he may be somewhat of a narcissist based on things I've experienced myself😡. Of course I only have a little info and it could be a maturity issue as well. Just to be safe, maybe look up on google "husband is a narcissist" and see if any of the info you identify with. (But please don't call him that or say that to the counselor as only a professional would be able to diagnose that.)
Sep 22When I was getting ready to start nursing school and was taking prerequisites still, a very wise professor gave us all some advice. I believe it was the first day of anatomy and physiology. He asked how many of us were going into the nursing program, and most of the class raised their hands. He said, "I'm going to give you all some advice. Make sure you have a strong support system. Especially you women. I mean families too, not just husbands and boyfriends. You will be surprised how many relationships won't last through nursing school. Many men see their women getting educated and getting good jobs. Sometimes they even start making more money than their men. They go to work with doctors. A lot of times the men can't handle it. They want you to stay dumb and poor so you'll need them. If you are smarter than them and make more money than them they feel like you don't need them anymore. They are scared you're going to leave them for a doctor or something. Who knows. They might stay, but a lot of them can't handle that. Trust me. This is going to be the hardest thing you will ever do. Make sure you have a support system that will always be there."
Fortunately, my relationship was and is still strong. Without support, it would have been near impossible though. Maybe your husband is one of those men that just can't handle the thought of his wife being more educated and making more money than him. Maybe he is afraid you are going to find someone better. Maybe he is afraid because you won't need him anymore and will be able to survive on your own.
Now is the time to ask some tough questions. Will he be able to be happy if you are a nurse? Or will he always feel insecure because you make more money and worry about you meeting some better suited at work? Are the two of you able to work through these next few trying years? If not, maybe it's time to find another source of emotional support.
Don't postpone nursing school any longer! Do it now! I wish I wouldn't have waited as long as I did. Don't put your life on hold for anyone else. You have a right to pursue your dreams and a responsibility to become what you are called to be. Good luck. Prayers and happy thoughts for both you and your husband during this trying time.
Sep 23Quote from JoryYes! This!!You are in an abusive relationship and the sooner you get your degree, the sooner you can get out.
You are closer to finishing than he is. He can work and go part-time, just like many others do.
Kids or no kids, no way would I allow any man to dictate my life like that.
My (then) husband didn't want me to go to nursing school. I did it anyway. He ended up being very nasty toward me during our break up and divorce.
He did horrible things like becoming agitated toward the kids, filing a restraining order with false allegations that barred me from our home and led to my being homeless. I could go on and on about the ugly things he did.
But, I stayed in school. Many people said I shouldn't have at that time. But I did.
He damaged the relationships between myself. and my kids (via parental alienation)
In the end, I became an LVN making more money than he did, then finalized my divorce and became an RN. And he had to pay spousal support and child support during that time.
It sounds like the writing is on the wall at this point. I hope your situation doesn't fare like mine, but if it does, this is your forewarning,
He sounds unsupportive. I truly hope it works out, but I also hope that you protect yourself..
As for me, now....I am an RN and making great money, just recently purchased my own home and love my job.
I never thought I'd end up divorced when I decided to go to nursing school, but it has been well worth it.
Sep 23Before you go and become a nurse, make sure you know what you are getting yourself into. You do have children and if you can get your husband on board with your dream, it would be better versus divorcing if you two don't really need to. Make sure you have a plan because you do have children and they will need to be watched even after you become a nurse. Make sure it is all worth, it may or may not be. I don't know your husband, never met him and quite frankly only hearing your side can't help me determine who this person is. I am not going to advise you to divorce before getting some counseling. I think both of your issues are deeper than nursing school.
Sep 24That is the tough stuff.
3 kiddos, you are a Veteran and you want to go to nursing school?
School is PAID FOR and STIPENED and the hubby has reservations?
My money is on you. Totally.
I think counseling is a good move. Marriage, then hubby should consider it and you may even like some. Counseling helps with perspective, communication issues and talking through issues with someone can help identify "stuck" behavior patterns than may be modifiable. A good therapist is awesome.
Do NOT give up your school spot. When you give up your dream (bullied into such a move — "if you go to school honey, I won't get to" wait, what? when he has no firm plan -- that's not cool) for someone to make you be "less than, give up, sit this one out" it needs to be worth something — not a power grab IMO. Resentment and contempt kill marriages faster than anything, tho the death takes years. Marriage should make you better, build you up. I'm sorry you are not getting the support you need.
My hubby (even before he was my hubby — long, long, before as we've been together 30+ years, tho only married 12) was supportive, often to a fault, of my education or employment. I started out in Marketing/Public Relations and Real Estate. I worked several years and returned to school after announcing I was going to become a firefighter/paramedic (I think he would have been happier and less shocked, if I had announced I was shaving my head to sell flowers at the airport) — but, he was still supportive. I did Excelsior and tho he thought it was a scam, still supportive. He just could not get his head around the concept of taking a few tests, a weekend clinical exam in the city and that equals a nursing degree (he forgot the 5 years for the 1st 2, 2 1/2 years for the EMS degree, so for most folks no it's not that simple & the program has changed). He was supportive, but doubted that it was really going to result in a nursing license. I'd just laugh. Once that RN money started hitting checking and it became clear we could pay cash for a dream farm in about 4 years, he laughed. So very supportive.
Marriage is hard. It is a slog through the s*** at times. There has to be give and take. Common goals. When sacrifices happen, it needs to make the whole stronger.
I have no doubt that you have what it takes to make it through nursing school. I even like the LVN to RN route -- it's quick to get into practice and often earning a paycheck matters. Some places still utilize LVN's well and tuition assistance is good or working and getting some experience while you do the "pre-req's" and bridge to RN and you will be a big step ahead of most "new grads" in any tough market.
You will also set an example for your kids. As for hubby — what is his dream? Can he start on-line with a single class? Forward momentum doesn't have to be all or nothing for him, starting with a plan, but he seems more interesting in sacrificing you and less interested in making a reasonable sacrifice. After all, what has stopped him from adding single class a semester for how many years? Only you know the answers. Some men are threatened by change in their spouse's education, opportunities. That's not good. You have three kids for christsakes! How would you support them long term if he gets hit by a meteor. Geez.
It's hard to know who is going to be supportive of your dreams and goals for the long haul. It goes more to their overall values and how they perceive themselves and their lives IMO.
Good luck OP. KEEP US POSTED. Totally pulling for ya!
I'm not saying this applies to you OP, but we do see threads about unsupportive spouses or spouses that actually tend to be a hurdle to a dream. The "red flag" spouse and it is tough to see if the flag is just an occasional rare outlier. But, if you see so many red flags of controlling and limiting behaviors it starts making you think a hurricane is coming — it is.
Red flags —
Controls your time, money, movement. Bonus — if you announce other plans — needs you to change those.
A narrative about WHY. Why do you want to go to school. Why is what you have not enough for you? Why do you not love me/your kids/your family/our home/our life that's it's not enough for you? Fault finding, guilting, shaming, blaming for having a goal, a plan, a dream! Damn that hurt me to even type it.
Few limits on the things they need/want/do and "hey, don't you want them to be happy or ___ because ___". Que false "guilt."
Always some issue. Who is going to keep kids/clean house/cook dinner/feed the goldfish/check on mom/what about my needs/what if my car breaks down – yet, millions of folks have successfully been to school/worked with the challenge the person presented as insurmountable. Really.
Sep 24So this is a power and control issue and yes, this is a bigger issue than just going to nursing school. Your husband may be verbally and emotionally abusive. This isn't just nursing school, this is the rest of your life.
Sep 24Oh - I would have a few choice words for him if it were me.
Hold your ground honey. He isn't even in school yet. Tell his backside to be patient while you so do this thing.
Wish you the best in school! One LPN to a future one!
Sep 24Thank you very very much guys for the beautiful encouraging words. From the bottom of my heart i truly appreciate it. I spoke with my husband yesterday and it did not end up well. I kept asking him why he would be mad at me for pursuing my dreams to help our little family out in the future and he kept telling me his mom was right about me that he should've divorced me a long time ago. I asked him numerous times why he would be so upset and finally he admitted to me that since he can't cook he does not know who will cook for the kids and he claim he can't take care of 3 kids he will need some help(smh)but when i told him that my parents are willing to help us out when my nursing school starts and he refused and bluntly told me that this was my job to care for the kids and to hold on to my dreams until the kids graduate high school. No sir!!! I am good!! I already made up my mind and he does not want to go to counseling as well so there goes that. Anyways, I am going to start Nursing School wether he likes it or not!!!Thank you to all you beautiful people who took the time to comment back this is just a little update on my side. God bless
Sep 25Quote from LovingLife123You are right in that none of us know this poster or her husband. But some of the things she says in her post constitute legitimate red flags. They are indications that her husband may be controlling, may be somewhere on the abuse continuum. Perhaps she shouldn't just run out and dump him, but she should definitely reevaluate her relationship through the lens of possible abuse. Maybe read a book such as "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by Lindy Bancroft to help identify the dynamics of her relationship. If her husband is indeed exercising power and control over her, the OP may want to begin working on an escape plan.All the people on here saying the OP is in an abisive relationship and just needs to leave her husband really bothers me. None of us know this poster, her husband, her marriage. None of us. There are always three sides to a story and we are only seeing one.
The OP is asking questions none of us can answer. Sounds like she needs to do some soul searching and have a real discussion with her husband. They have three kids together.
OP, I hope you have done your research on the job market and nursing in general in your area. Being frustrated with your husband and not understanding his reasoning is one thing. Just going ahead and doing what you want that could be detrimental to your marriage and family is another. Think things through and make the decisions that are right for you.
To the OP: I would encourage you to delve further into this question of whether your husband is using power over you to control you. If it's abuse, it will likely escalate. And you have three children to consider.