My husband does not want me in school - our youngest is still just almost two and he wants me at home with the kids (we also have an almost 7 and almost 5 y.o.). I've stayed at home until part-time school the last 2 years. Last year almost all of my school was online (hence at home), and this year I have been going 2 days/wk. About 1/2-3/4 of the time he watches the kids when I'm there. He does shift work so he is at home in the daytime more often than many people. That's actually one of the other reasons he doesn't want me in school, because we could be doing other things on his many days off, he feels like we're wasting the good part of his job - all the time off. I think it's mainly just that he doesn't want to watch the kids, because he never has. Even before school it was always a struggle if I wanted to go do something. So, I've told him I'd get a sitter, but he doesn't want them with a sitter any more than necessary either so he watches them but doesn't let me forget how miserable he is and how I'm making things so bad. He says the toddler cries all day (although my sitter doesn't have this problem). I think it's an exaggeration and however much is true is just because he sits around and just gets mad because he can't do what he's trying to do something non-kid-oriented, and the toddler is bored. He also doesn't do a single thing with the house - and I don't expect him to clean - BUT I mean he lets the kids COMPLETELY destroy the place like a hurricane went through every day that I'm at school. He also doesn't ever want me to go and do anything else besides school, since *school* is my 'hobby' now. And trying to do an assignment or study (which I'm super anal about my grades...)...is like pulling teeth, he pretty much expects me to do school without doing any work. Most of our friends' husbands *don't* keep their kids very often so it makes it an even harder argument (of course remembering that he doesn't want a sitter/daycare, either).
We also had a hard year relationship-wise for other unrelated reasons, we are hanging in there but it had us on the line for a little while. This year is our 10th anniversary and I don't think most people would imagine that we'd part in a million years (the stuff I was talking about was mostly a secret from everyone). I think he believes that I'll get this degree and leave him (even though I've told him that's not it, and it's not). I think that other stuff is mostly over now, but the school thing is a neverending battle that sometimes seems like it's at critical mass.
Part of the whole thing to me is money and being able to support myself and the kids if anything happened to him (he has a risky job but I don't have to work for us to be financially viable right now). I also just totally love nursing school. But I also know that he is totally miserable and I really feel like this is chipping away at our relationship, which has always been very very close and enviable, a soulmate-best friend type thing. I thought that going part-time would be a good compromise but it not working for him. I don't think I should have to quit, but I don't know if it's worth my marriage. He would probably be ok with me going back later, when all of the kids are in school, but sometimes you know how it goes when you lose that momentum? Plus, I just have to have a little something besides sitting at home with the kids all day, every day. Most the time is ok, but not every living hour. I have been pretty motivated until now, but I just don't know how long I can swim against the current, & the current is getting rougher. I thought I'd just stick to my guns and he'd 'get over it' but it ain't happening & neither one of us thinks we should have to give in. Even if I gave in and postponed school I'm not sure I could do it and not be resentful. What do you do when you just utterly disagree?
Feb 27, '04
Just a little insight to share...I married at 17 just after having a baby. My husband was 23. We were young and in love :blushkiss and he had a great job. His preference was for me to be at home as much as possible with him and our daughter. I started Nursing school part time when I turned 18 and he was not against it but, he was not really willing to lend a hand in helping and encouraging me. He just did not see it as important, since at the time I didn't need a career. So I lost interest after two semesters and quit.
Five years later, I was still a stay at home Mom and he was bringing home the bacon, and everything was grand....until he was very suddenly diagnosed with a uncommon blood disorder (aplastic anemia)...Well there I was 23 with no current work experience, no education, and a dying husband. We found ourselves at the mercy of welfare, medicaid, and our families for more than a year. I started working as soon as he was well enough to be home by himself, but it was very difficult to find work and work that paid well.
Now I am 28 and kicking myself in the "a$$" :angryfire for not finishing school when I was younger and had the time...Now I work full time and go to school full-time :uhoh21:. My husband is much better healthwise (thank GOD), but is only able to maintain the house and our two girls (10 and 3). (that is fine with me, I don't want him to be sick again) He has accepted that being a "stay at home dad" is honorable work...and trust me you won't hear my husband talk down about how much "work" being at home is...He is also convinced that he never should have let me quit school...Hindsite is 20/20 you know...So he is my biggest fan now...I am not sure that all this can be helpful to someone who has not been through it, but I felt compelled to share it anyways!
Think of it like this...You will NEVER feel stupid for finishing Nursing School...it is probably the worst feeling in the world
to see your family struggle knowing that they would have been better off if you had just stuck to your guns and done what you knew was right...:imbar
Something else to consider is this...a marriage should not swing from good to bad based on someone "getting there way"...If love exists between two people, they will see that everyone (including children) have needs, desires, goals, and a say in what affects the families future...
My husband and I had our fair share of hard times and relationship problems, but when we started realizing that working as a TEAM was the answer, we both have been closer and happier!
Thanks for listening...
Last edit by fry.girl on Feb 27, '04