Any moms out there, getting the GUILTS? - page 2

I am still doing my pre-req's (2 to go) and I often wonder if I should be waiting to go into the RN program until my kids are older. I am still helping out at school once a week, and I'm home when... Read More

  1. by   ana115
    Oh Heather, I can definately relate! I'm 43, doing my pre-req's too, (I have 2 classes left to take after this semester) and was thinking how hard it is to leave my 8 year old daughter with her grandma to go to class in the evening.

    In the long run, it's going to be a good thing. I will finally be financially independent, have a career I can really be proud of, and feel really good about myself. I've decided I will probably work 3 12's per week. That still leaves a lot of time with my family.

    So don't feel too guilty, you're going to be around more often when school is over.
  2. by   babynursewannab
    Every day! I agree that it's more unfortunate to not feel at all guilty. Just last night I was in tears thinking I should wait until my daughter is older...but I know I'd always be waiting then.

    Find a time of the week...if you can...that is consistent and do something just you and them every week. I've started that and it has made a huge difference.

    Good luck, this is truly the hard part.
  3. by   JudithL_in_NH
    I am 46, finishing pre-reqs and have applied to a full-time, two-year program for Fall 2003. I did decide to wait until my children were older (now 9, 16, and 17) to transition to full time. While a big part of my decision was that I'm very committed to stay-at-home mommyhood (I've worked for the past 16 years, but always out of the home, including medical transcription!), it was more because I knew I couldn't count on their father for help We've been together for 19 years and I know him well. He works 60 hour weeks and does not care to help in any but the most superficial way with the kids. He seems to think he does a lot for/with the kids (and he does earn decent money; I'm grateful for his hard work), but the reality is he picks one kid up from one activity maybe once a week, if he manages to remember---more often than not, the child in question has to phone him to tell him she's been forgotten. He's just no help at all, never has been, and I felt my kids we're entitled to at least one adult devoted to them as they grew up. We have no family at all, on either side . . . no grandparents, no aunts, no nothing, so no back up there, either. It's just the way it is.

    I've decided that my youngest is old enough now that she can handle a few afternoons of afterschool care while I'm in nursing school. My oldest will be away at college, and the 16-year-old has an afterschool job, is trustworthy, and very capable of taking care of herself when I'm not home. The program I'm hoping to get into claims you're done every day by 4PM (at leats with classwork and clinical time, not studying), so I'll be home not too far outside of school hours. If I get into my second choice, though, there are late afternoon/early evening lectures twice a week, and I'll have to enlist my older daughter to watch the younger one (DH is rarely home from work before 8PM.)

    I chose to wait, and it was half out of guilt, half out of a sense of what was right for my kids since there was so little support available. We all have to make the decisions that are right for our own families.

    I'm thinking that working three 12-hour days once I have my RN would be good for me, too. That would leave me with a lot of time to spend with my youngest, the only one who still be at home when I get to that point!
  4. by   JudithL_in_NH
    I am 46, finishing pre-reqs and have applied to a full-time, two-year program for Fall 2003. I did decide to wait until my children were older (now 9, 16, and 17) to transition to full time. While a big part of my decision was that I'm very committed to stay-at-home mommyhood (I've worked for the past 16 years, but always out of the home, including medical transcription!), it was more because I knew I couldn't count on their father for help We've been together for 19 years and I know him well. He works 60 hour weeks and does not care to help in any but the most superficial way with the kids. He seems to think he does a lot for/with the kids (and he does earn decent money; I'm grateful for his hard work), but the reality is he picks one kid up from one activity maybe once a week, if he manages to remember---more often than not, the child in question has to phone him to tell him she's been forgotten. He's just no help at all, never has been, and I felt my kids we're entitled to at least one adult devoted to them as they grew up. We have no family at all, on either side . . . no grandparents, no aunts, no nothing, so no back up there, either. It's just the way it is.

    I've decided that my youngest is old enough now that she can handle a few afternoons of afterschool care while I'm in nursing school. My oldest will be away at college, and the 16-year-old has an afterschool job, is trustworthy, and very capable of taking care of herself when I'm not home. The program I'm hoping to get into claims you're done every day by 4PM (at leats with classwork and clinical time, not studying), so I'll be home not too far outside of school hours. If I get into my second choice, though, there are late afternoon/early evening lectures twice a week, and I'll have to enlist my older daughter to watch the younger one (DH is rarely home from work before 8PM.)

    I chose to wait, and it was half out of guilt, half out of a sense of what was right for my kids since there was so little support available. We all have to make the decisions that are right for our own families.

    I'm thinking that working three 12-hour days once I have my RN would be good for me, too. That would leave me with a lot of time to spend with my youngest, the only one who still be at home when I get to that point!
  5. by   Dublin37
    Hi everyone, you have all been sooooooooo encouraging. When I checked my email, I was hoping I'd get at least one reply, but you guys are great! This is a second career for me, and I know my DH would've preferred that I went back to my first career, being a teacher, because of the great hours, and because we would have the same schedule, since that's what he is as well. But I can honestly say I never loved it and got excited about it like I am about nursing now. I struggle with the guilts, when my kids are sick, and I just can't miss a class, or more play time with them. I always make sure to have some time with them each day, but I still feel bad.
    I try to remember before I went into this, how ansy I was while they were in school, thinking, "gee, I can clean my house, or go do something meaningless, or get a part time job that they won't pay me much". I so much missed having those goals to work towards. And I do love that now.
    Well anyway, you gals are great and I really needed this! God bless, Heather

    P.S. My kids favorite memories are: My 7 yo boy: being tickled, my 11 y.o. daughter, bed time cuddles, and giggles.
    ALL FREE! WHAT DO YA KNOW?!
  6. by   peaceful2100
    I definitely have guilts. My child has literally told me several times mommy, when will you be done with school. I really miss you and she is to the point now where she wants to stay up as late as she can because she knows that once she goes to sleep it is my study time but lately that is starting to happen less because she simply won't go to bed before 10:30 or 11:00 at night. I feel guilty because I feel that my child is starting to act out because of lack of attention. However, I am a single mom and I am trying to make the best like possible for my child and I.

    I think our children will be strong when they start school and will probably be more successful not saying those who don't go to school won't have successful children but I am already starting to see in my daughter a strong interest for learning because she see me studying and learning. Her teacher was just telling me today how my daughter is REALLY smart and has a stronger attention span and interest in learning. My daughter is 5 and still in Pre-kindgergarten. She will start kindergraten in August.

    It is hard and I think every mom in school of any kind have guilts. I think even moms who are not in school carry guilts but it may be slightly different from the kind of guilt we carry. It is hard but children observe and tend to repeat what they see.
  7. by   maire
    Not to hijack the thread but this seemed appropriate...Thursday was my 11-mo-old son's first day at daycare while I went to clinicals. He was there from 0745 until 1500...when I went to pick him up I hugged and kissed all over him and all he wanted to do was get down and play with the sitter's dog.

    Yeah, he must have really missed me. I feel much better now.
  8. by   emily_mom
    I get the guilts too. Especially since I have such a long commute and work also. I just tell myself that I am doing this for US and improving our lives. I also wanted to do this while she was young so she wouldn't remember much....

    Kristy
  9. by   ashemson
    I am so glad you guys said all this! I have three children, ages 8,5,and 2, and 2 1/2 years of school left. Some days I wonder if I should wait and go back after my youngest is in kindergarten, that way I will be gone when they are all at school. I just don't know sometimes what is best. But what you guys are saying makes me feel so much better. I don't feel so alone now!
  10. by   Forevermomof5
    Well when I saw this, I just had to write!! I have five children with my oldest turning 13 this Saturday. I do have a very supportive husband who encourages me to go to school and will take the time out to watch the kids when I need to attend class or study. But let's just say that immaculate his is not. I am responsible for most of the housework and I have been overwhelmed these past few weeks which makes guilt a constant companion of mine. I never feel like I have enough time for anything.
    Has anyone ever heard of the saying "Jack of all trades, master of none"? Well that is exactly how I feel. It is nearly impossible to do it all, believe me because I'm trying. My house is always ALMOST clean, my schoolwork is always ALMOST done, the laundry is always ALMOST completed, etc. How do you prioritize?
    I only have two more semesters until I have my degree and I just pray every day that this time goes quickly. I honestly think about quitting every day, but then I remember how much time, effort and sacrifice by me and my family and I know that I need to accomplish this goal that I set out to do.
    Good luck.....Karen
  11. by   debRNo1
    Originally posted by thatldo


    But her daughter answered "jumping on the hotel bed with you mommy!"


    :chuckle :chuckle
    Guilty mom YES :imbar

    My son had a project with a bunch of questions to answer fav color food ect. The best was his answer to fav place. While most of the kids said disney world great adventure ect

    My wonderful deprived of a F/T mom son said his fav place was HOME :kiss

    gotta love that..........

    deb
  12. by   opalmRN
    How do you prioritize?
    I only have two more semesters until I have my degree and I just pray every day that this time goes quickly.

    Karen,
    By the sounds of things you HAVE been prioritizing if you are down to the last two semesters. Good for you! Sometimes I think we all need a reminder to step back and look at the good job we have done rather than how we measure up to what others do. I am as guilty of that as the next person but these good friends here at allnurses have helped me realize that even though at times I feel like I'm flying solo, I''m really not. I will tell you this, if you have five children and the oldest is a young teen, lady you are my hero! I have children but two are grown and the other is 14. When I think back to how I prioritized my life when the kids were young, there is no way I could have done what you are doing. So this is a personal "Gold star" from me that you are doing A-OK! Whatever you are doing must be working. And if things sometimes seem like they are spinning out of control remind yourself that you take one day at a time and everything that really doesn't matter (empty clothes hampers, ironing all pressed, toilet bowls that glisten and floors that you could eat off of)can wait until another day . Families will continue to grow whether you pay attention or not and that is not something none of us wants to miss. School has it's priority as well. Sometimes it is necessary to back off on the course load but I think many folks, including yourself have seen that families and school can mix.

    And do this for me, put your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder and give yourself a big hug from me!

    Chin up, many people are in ahw of you!
    C:kiss
    Last edit by opalmRN on Jan 26, '03
  13. by   kittyw
    Am I the only parent who doesn't feel guilty?? Before you flame me ... let me explain....

    I'm in school full time - getting my MSN. My son is in kindergarten full time. I make sure we take time to do fun things: play board games, go play together at Chuck E Cheese, take him to practice golf when it's warm.

    But he has to understand that Mommy is important too. There are times in life that he can't do what he wants to do, and there are times when Mommy does something for herself. (work out, study, take a nice bath) If he can't understand that and appreciate it ... then what kind of person will he grow up to be?

    So, no, I DON'T feel guilty for taking time for me ... for not being there 100% ....

    They probably would appreciate some time playing with others too. And how can they learn to interact with others if you don't give them the opportunity? When I am with him ... I'm playing WITH him (stuff that we both enjoy - kids can really tell if you're having fun or faking it).

    There was a recent article about all the adult kids still living at home - despite being in their 30's. The article said that parents now days are too concerned with their children's happiness to the point that they ignore their own. That the children become selfish and don't become emotionally independent and financially responsible.

    As long as you don't ignore your children and have fun with them when you can ... don't feel guilty for doing what you want or have to do.

close