Am I cut out to be a nurse?

Students General Students

Published

I participated in Race for the Cure today in my city and chose to do the 5k even though I can't run a mile without panting like a dog. But I figured it was a for a good cause so I would try my best to finish the entire 5k. But something happened during the race that made me start to rethink my career choice. I started out the race great...at mile 1, I was just under 10 minutes. Heading into mile 2, I was at 20 minutes...then a guy ran past in the opposite direction, yelling for someone to call 911. Since I'm an EMT I started running like hell to see who was down and if I could help. I could see a small crowd of people up ahead and a man lying on the ground. He wasn't breathing and had absolutely no pulse. Several other runners had stopped to help. Someone had a face mask and they started CPR. The man's wife was hysterical and since there were already so many people crowded around the man, I decided I would try and comfort his wife instead of getting in the way.

This man was 52, healthy, and a marathon runner. He just went down without any notice or complaints. He had no pulse for the 5 minutes it took for the ambulance to get there. They tried shocking his heart and I think they intubated him as well. I had

done everything I could for the woman and I knew my husband was going to be getting worried as he probably thought the ambulance was for me...seeing as how I'm NOT a runner. So I get to the finish line at 44:12 but I was with the man and his wife for approx. 10 minutes so I figure my actual time was closer to 35:00. I did well, but then found out after the race that the man didn't make it.

As it ended up, the husband and wife were teachers and were there with a team from the local elementary school and their team had NO idea what was going on. They thought he just fell. They overheard me telling one of the other nursing students the man's condition and I ended up having to tell them he wasn't doing well and was being care-flighted to the ER. I have been crying nonstop since then and wonder if I will ever make it as a nurse if I couldn't handle this. I feel so much sadness for that woman...she kept apologizing to her husband as he was laying there about having him run this race. I had a feeling when I was checking for a pulse and holding the man's hand that he wasn't going to make it. He was completely limp and cold, but I said a prayer that he would pull through.

I have such mixed emotions right now...I'm very proud and happy that I did well and actually ran a 5k, but am filled with grief and

sadness for this woman and her family. Thanks for letting me

vent...I needed to write all this down. Next year, I have already

decided that in addition to running in memory of my randmothers, I will also run in memory of this man and his wife. I found out their names from their team and will be putting his name on my shirt next year. The one thing this made me realize is that things happen and I vow to start loving my life and being happy and grateful for my husband, kids, family, and everything I have in my life.

I feel as though maybe I should have been able to hold myself together a bit more. I did in front of the wife because I didn't want to make things worse for her. But when I started running again toward the finish, I was just sobbing. I couldn't stop crying. And to have to be the one to tell all his coworkers and friends that he was just injured, but critically ill and perhaps would not make it....well, that was the hardest part. I was a complete stranger to this group and couldn't help the tears as I told them. Aren't I supposed to be more composed as a nurse??? Although I'm an EMT, I have never run a serious call like this one...this was a definitely a severe cardiac emergency and I doubt that anyone could have done anything. The young man performing CPR knew what he was doing and so did all the people helping him. I just feel so helpless and angry too. Why do things like this happen? Here this man was running a race to help find a cure for breast cancer and now he's dead. And his wife, who is in her late 40's is left without a partner. I just am so angry and sad. Maybe I should look for a job that puts me behind a damn desk if I can't refrain from showing my emotions?:o

EyesForward

221 Posts

I hope and pray if I my children are laying helpless in a hospital bed, injured or sick, it is someone like you who lovingly does everything possible to make them well. I hope that answers your question. :saint:

Specializes in Home Health Care.

I'm so sorry about your experience, and i certainly do think your cut out to be a nurse, you have compassion and a desire to help those is in need. Every nurse should have that quality. Don't worry about being emotional, your a caring human being. I would have cried too. I don't think it makes you any less professional. I'd rather have a blubbering nurse, than a cold stoned face nurse with no emotion caring for my loved one.

I think it's honorable that your running in the man's name next year. Congrats on finishing!

CarVsTree

1,078 Posts

Specializes in Trauma ICU, MICU/SICU.

I think you're definitely cut out to be a nurse.

You were not at work btw, you were witness to a medical emergency. You helped his wife but it was much more personal then had he arrived at the hospital where you were waiting to care for people in just that situation.

I believe that you made an emotional connection with his wife which is something you will do as a nurse. There will be times when crying is inappropriate (i.e. while you're performing CPR or other life saving measure). But telling a bunch of people that their friend didn't just fall down but is most likely dying is an extremely emotional situation. Had you not reacted, you would be jaded past the point of compassion.

You kept your emotions under wraps when you were helping his wife. She needed you to be strong at that time. You will be a fantastic nurse.

As for your anger, we live in a fallen world. Because we have turned from God, sin has entered the world. He however was there with this man when he died. He was there with him even if the man chose to turn from God for a final time. He was there with his wife when she was panic stricken at the thought of losing her husband, the love of her life. He was there with her when they told her that her husband was dead. He was there with her when she couldn't sleep at night and hugged her pillow desperately wishing she could hold him one last time. He is always there. He is there waiting for us to turn to him. Gently knocking at the door to our heart waiting for us to invite Him in. And once we do invite Him in, we feel His presence (often times more in the hard times than the easy). But He is always there, loving us, having mercy on us, forgiving us, healing us, caring for us, teaching us.

If you have anger, questions, cry out to Him. He is waiting.

I think I'm done now.

God bless,

Rhoresmith

261 Posts

While I am not a nurse yet I was a Respiratory Therapist and worked as a hospice aide for 4 years and guess what I cried after every single one of my people passed. I would see the signs that they were going and I would leave and cry all the way to my next stop. I think that is what nurses do, I worked with a very cold nurse she put her shield on and nothing got to her. After 3 years she was so burned out that she had to quit. I think that we that are going into nursing are compassionate,caring individuals to go into nursing and we have to let it out or we will explode and burn out. You did WONDERFUL for that lady and you assessed the situation and did what was needed. So pat yourself on the back for finishing the race and keep that mans family in your thoughts and prayers and be a nurse

Rhonda

LilRedRN1973

1,062 Posts

Specializes in ICU, psych, corrections.

Thank you, everyone for your kind words. I remember doing my 10 hours in the ER for my EMT license and I had to go outside to cry a bit after getting 4 sixteen year old girls that were involved in a roll over car accident. 3 of them had broken backs and one of them had a horrible laceration to her entire left side of her face. They were so terrified and upset....after finishing my duties with them, I stepped outside to cry and a nurse asked me if it was my first time. I told her it was and she said it doesn't get any easier, but you learn how to control some of your emotions. She told me never to become cold and uncaring, but learn how to focus on the problem at hand and take care of the patients AND their families with compassion and professionalism. I think I understand what she meant by that today. I caught myself when with the man's wife because I didn't figure she needed me sobbing as well. I had a few tears in my eyes, but I think that's okay because she knew I wasn't some uncaring bystander, but someone who understood the severity of the situation and empathized. I did catch myself making a "nursing mistake" or what we have learned is a mistake. At first, I was telling her that he would be okay. After realizing that he may not be okay, I started telling her that they were doing everything they could for him and there were a lot of people helping her husband who knew what they were doing. I told her they were keeping his circulation and respirations going by CPR and the ambulance would have even better equipment to help him. I told her that the CPR was buying him time and that everyone would do everything and anything they could for him. I told her it wasn't her fault (because she kept telling him she was sorry for having him run) and used some distraction to keep her from going over to him. I didn't think she needed to see them doing CPR and them having to roll him over to clear the vomit out of his airway. Towards the end, we let her go over near him so she could talk to him and it seemed to help her a little. Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for their words of encouragment. I think that maybe instead of my sensitive nature being a hindrance, it will actually help me to be a better nurse. I just have to learn to control the emotions a bit and learn how to use them to my advantage instead of letting them fly all over the place. I took care of both my grandmothers when they were dying of cancer and remember handling that okay.

francine79

162 Posts

I think you will be a great nurse BECAUSE you show emotions. I've only worked in a hospital for 2 months now and I see so many nurses who forget that they are treating people. I see frightened families watching their loved ones die and the nurses show no affect. It's horrible to watch these nurses act like they don't care. I even had one nurse tell me that it is hard for her to have empathy for these people and their families (for what reason, I'm not sure) and she said to me I hope it doesn't show. But it does. And it's embarrassing to stand beside a nurse with a family frightened because their mother who is dying is having convulsions and want to know why and the nurse stands their with no compassion in her voice and says "this is normal" to the family.

Don't loose that part in you that shows emotion. I think it is important to give holistic care to people. I know I have made a promise to myself to never treat people in a way they don't feel they are cared about.

Just my own personal experience....

I am quite used to death and don't cry, not even at my grandparents funeral who raised me.

One day at work I got to be with a woman who was told by the sheriff that her only granddaughter had unexpectedly died. It was the most horrible experience I have ever had in my life and it took me several hours to recover from that situation. I was so upset to see this woman in so much pain. I think it's normal to respond in a manner like this when you are "at the scene".

EastCoast

273 Posts

I think you will find a place in your career where you will be able to practice with a great deal of empathy yet still maintain your composure. I am not sure why you have the expectation of yourself to be a nurse before you are a human being. This is my interpretation when i hear you say how you don't know whether you should have been so upset or show your emotion. Why the heck wouldn't you? You witnessed a devastating event. A man dropped dead. (Frankly, being a runner I am not sure I would have considered finishing this race so you have some degree of ruggedness. ) In your career as you will hear from so many you will encounter multiple painful things...no matter what specialty of nursing you go into. How do pediatric nurses watch a 5 year old die of a brain tumor, how does a NICU nurse help a parent to say goodbye to their premie, how does a ED nurse comfort the mother who just lost a child? They use their human side. Nothing you will learn in school will teach you how to be a good person. Displaying kindness and empathy doesn't make you a bad nurse it makes you a normal human being. Please don't measure how you are as an nurse by your reaction to this trauma.

P.S. Just because this guy was a 'healthy marathoner' doesn't mean too much. Look at Jim Fixx, & Flo Jo. Unfortunately all the running in the world can't make up for family hx. or bad vessels.

Carolanne

612 Posts

You're going to make a great nurse. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe you were a witness to this tragedy to confirm your own compassion for human beings. I was involved in a similar situation a couple of years ago. It was a beautiful sunny day, people were outside in my neighborhood gardening, kids playing. A man who lived down the street was chasing after his dog who got loose. He was literally frantic and on the verge of hysteria. Passersby tried to grab the dog, but he kept getting away. Anyway, the man was running and running. He was quite obese and all of a sudden fell flat down on his face in the road. I ran inside and called 911 and my neighbors and I ran down to where he was. When we found him, his face was blue and there was blood running out of his mouth. His pupils were fixed and dilated. An EMT who lived in the neighborhood heard the call to 911 on his scanner and was there within seconds. He started CPR without response. The ambulance came and applied the defibrillator. They got a little action, but not much. He also subsequently died. I like you had the same feelings - was there something else I could have done for this man lying lifeless on the ground. Why didn't I try to catch the dog myself and tell the man to sit down and catch his breath? All sorts of what if's ran through my head. I was upset afterward too, I saw his face in my sleep for weeks. I woke up one day and decided that although I felt powerless at the moment, it confirmed my desire more than ever to want to help people and be a nurse. I had just begun my first semester when this incident happened, but I believe I too was involved in this for a reason. Somethings the awful things that happen in life are actually making us stronger.

KristinWW

465 Posts

I have worry about the same constantly! Even in my teens as a candy striper I would take a few minutes during the day and run to the restroom to pull myself together after a particularly horrific accident or seeing a disease in a newborn. This was one of the reasons I left the nursing programs during the early college years.

MtnMan

90 Posts

Experience as an EMT and from working in the ED full time has showed me that most of the time CPR is ineffective. Having said that, also most of the "younger" MI victims that are otherwise healthy the event is typically massive and catastrophic. Family members typically report that the ptient hadn't been feeling well for days or had been ignoring symptoms. I think we all deny symptoms of various illnesses until either by age or association with a victim we realize we are vulnerable to cardiac events regardless of our age or fitness level. In a rural ED we have lost 4 MI patients in the last month between age 44 and 49. CPR is nowhere near as important as breaking up the clot or diagnosing the electrical problem. So encourage the people around you to tell someone about hteir symptoms rather than tough it out. I'd rather care for 10 people a night for GERD than call family members in to the ED to see their dead mother/father.

+ Add a Comment