Wishing I wasn't an RN when it comes to sick family member.

I love being a nurse. I went back to school at age 33 to become an RN. I've had my share of helping to save lives as well as being there in the final moments of life for patients who are on hospice. I've seen many patients who have or will have such a poor quality of life that it seems cruel to keep them going by any means necessary while families sit there like an audience for a performance and watch their family member wither away as I do my job to keep them dry, turned, bathed, fed (if possible), and comfortable. As a nurse, I see things from a different persective than family members, yet try to understand that this is their family member whom they don't want to live without. Often, I wish that hospice or at least a change is code status was more of a norm than a fear or taboo subject for patients and family members. I get tired of seeing so much suffering by patients while family members sit there with a blind eye turned to their family member's quality of life.

My dilemma right now is that I have a family member in this situation. I am wishing that I could be that family member to turn a blind eye to what he is going through and hope for the best like everyone else. The thing is that I can't. I am an RN and I know what his day is like and his quality of life and I pray for him like everyone else in the family, but my prayer is not that he gets better and comes home, it's that he dies peacefully. But that is not happening. He has been in the hospital since the end of July when he collapsed. The paramedics did CPR and defibrillated him twice and intubated him on the way to the hospital and it has been a series of ups and downs from there. On his best day since that time, he was able to eat some soup and walk 10 feet with a walker. He already had COPD and heart disease among other things, but now also has an AICD, CHF and renal failure in addition to his multiple infections over the last few months (VRE, cdiff, etc.) He was intubated earlier in the week and remains on a vent with the possibility of now also needing dialysis.

This family member is my step father in law. He has a large family and step family with a lot of family dynamics. He is the typical patient that no one wants to take care of because of the entire picture. When I found out yesterday that they may start him on dialysis I just cried and cried for him. I don't want to lose him either, but I don't want him to suffer like this. He is a very proud, strong man and I think he would would want to live like this. I have a difficult time talking with my husband about it. I just try to listen, because when I give my opinion or advice I just seem cold and insensitive because I can't turn off the RN in me.

Any advice as how to handle my feelings on this yet be sensitive to the family would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for letting me vent.