When does it get better

I am a new nurse. I am currently working on a Medical-Surgical floor for now. I don't want to be there. I have to stick with a certain hospital system because I have a 2 year committment. AHHHHHHH why did I ever did such a thing I don't know but it was the biggest mistake of my life so live and learn for those reading explore the commitment CAREFULLY and check the hospital system out VERY carefully before signing.

I graduated back in May and worked as a GN for 6 weeks before I took boards in Late July and did not pass. Well, I took them again in October and passed them and got 4 weeks of orientation after passing the second time since I had done the 6 weeks before. Last week was my first week on my own and that was a total nightmare. I am stressed out and already starting to feel burned out. There are other issues in my life that I will be getting counseling for in one more week.

Right now I am so anxious and frustrated because I want to do nursing but I want to be in the area where I want to be but like I said right now that is not an option.

Has anyone been through this trial where they had to wait and wait and wait before getting into an area of your choice. Can you please share with me how did you handle it and what did you do. IT seems like all I do is obsessess and worry constantly over this very issue and I don't want it to take a hold of my life which it is currently doing at this very point in my life.

I don't want a bad attitude about working in med-surg because I want to be a good nurse but honestly my attitude stinks about working in med-surg. My attitude does NOT show at work though. I keep my attitude to myself. Each time I go to work I start feeling nauseated and feel sick to my stomach. I don't think it would be so bad if it weren't for having so many patients. With a Tech I can have up to 8-9 patients and that can either be good or bad depending on how good the tech is. IF I have a tech that I can't trust because there is one particular tech on the floor that they won't get rid off but everyone knows she can't be trusted and she half way does her job because she is so lazy.

Also there is so much to learn on med-surg I don't know exactly where to focus on learning. It is so general unlike a speciality there are things you can focus on that really pertains more to that area.

I am trying to also learn how to become a better critical thinker. I do think that may be a pro for working on med-surg it may give a better chance to develop the critical thinking skills before entering a speciality or doing something outside the hospital setting which I am leaning more and more toward because of better compatiability with my life as a single mom. I received really good grades in nursing school but to be perfectly honest my critical thinking skills are not where I think they should be. I miss out on things that other nurses catch and then I start to feel really really bad about it and wonder why in the world did I go into nursing if I did not catch that. I can catch the obvious but it is the not so obvious that I need to develop on.

Then there are the small things like sometimes I accidently forget to sign off on doctor orders that I am have forgotten to sign off on that I have read or the day shift nurse may have forgotten to sign off on and I should have caught on to that. So I am getting written up for things like that.

I have not made a very good first impression and I am so worried and stressed about that. The only thing is no one has addressed me about it expect one of my classmates who work on the same floor expect days said there have been a lot of talk about you. That leaves me even more anxious and frustrated then before.

I am beginning to wonder and seriously doubt about being a nurse in the first place and maybe I should have gone with teaching, social work, business, computers or anything else but nursing.

Gee, real world nursing is a definte reality shock compared to the world of nursing school. I feel totally unprepared.

I can't even successfully start an IV. I have successfully inserted them several times but they all blew on me. Like gee can I do anything right.

Right now I am so stressed that I am starting to take it out on my daughter. I honestly don't mean to but I worry too much at home and then I start taking my anger out on her by yelling her and grabbing and hitting her. My daughter is a VERY challenging child and as a 23 year old single mom It is hard but I know it is NO excuse to hit and grab her and I am so scared about that too. I do have my parents trying to helping me out but they don't reallyunderstand what I am going through. I HATE working 12 hours and I HATE working nights but day shift 12 hours is not an option for me and they don't do 8 hour shifts at the hospital I work at.

Sorry for the long vent. If you made it this far and listened THANK YOU.

Any advice will greatly be appreciated.