To grow a backbone....

  1. After reading a thread on the student side about standing up to some rude classmates, I realize I may have a problem.

    I know I am very passive. I let a man walk all over me for nine years and I honestly think I am still scared of him. I want to be a nurse more than anything in the world and I don't want my personality to trip me up.

    Basically, I don't know if I will be able to stand up for myself. I am not shy and not always quiet, I just don't have a demanding attitude. Even when I fuss at my kids, I feel uncomfortable. I rarely get mad and if I do, I usually keep it to myself because I think no one cares what I think.

    I know this is a result of being mentally and emotionally abused for so long and I am no longer in that relationship, so I'd like for those scars to heal.

    I can think what I want to say, but for some reason the words won't come. Or I may actually say what I want and then I end up feeling extremely guilty about it.
    I've been to counseling and I thought I was fine, and I still do, I just wondered what makes some people so able to assert themselves and others it is so hard for them?

    I don't think I'm gonna start crying or anything if a doc yells and I will insist on things being done for my patient, but I know I won't like it inside. Does that make any sense? I have a year and a half before I graduate and I would like this fixed before I start my career.

    To make it perfectly clear, I don't have a problem asserting myself, I have a problem with not feeling guilty about it.
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  2. 10 Comments

  3. by   moongirl
    some of what you are wanting may just come with age. As I hit the mid 30's I started to realize that pleasing everyone and not stepping on everyones toes, saying and doing everything to please everyone else was not as important to me. I also was very thin skinned, and took everything way to personally, not a good combo. When you grow and "come into your own" you start to relax. Once you develop and inner peace, the rest will come.

    instead of beating yourself up about the way you think and feel, accept yourself. You need to realize that you are worthy of not being stepped on, worthy of an opinion and no one is going to love you less for being an individual and stating what you think- unless youa re extremely rude about it, which I doubt you could be

    When people act bad- it is not because of you, it is because of themselves
  4. by   Larry77
    Only person in this world you can control is YOU. I had a real hard time when a patient or family member didn't "like" me but I learned that all I could do was my best and if they chose to dislike me so be it.

    Don't get worked up just try hard and work harder. Guilt is a powerful emotion that can take over ones life if they let it (ie my Mother). It can turn you into a druggy, an alcoholic, cause one to commit suicide, crime etc. Not trying to freak you out just making the point that it is a strong emotion and you are not the first to feel it

    Keep reading threads on this site you will find many others with the same issues as you we need to stick together and support each other. (eww that sounded corny...*shrugs)

    Good luck!
  5. by   jjjoy
    Joining a support group can be a way to encourage youself as you face new and old challenges in dealing with people and your feelings. For example, there is Emotions Anonymous and Codependents Anonymous.
  6. by   PeachPie
    Go through the archives of this website. It totally changed my life.
  7. by   twinmommy+2
    Quote from PeachPie
    Go through the archives of this website. It totally changed my life.
    I just checked out that site and its hilarious!!!!
  8. by   tryingtomakeit
    You sound JUST like me. I have been very passive my entire life. I have never been in an abusive relationship, it's just how I am. I was raised by very passive parents. Both my siblings are very passive as well. I don't think I can attribute it to anything but being that way by nature.

    I am able to step up when things get heated or when I need to speak up for my patients, but it takes everything within me to do it! lol The bottom line is, I am happy with who I am. I have very few people I consider enemies. When I DO speak up people listen and tend to give me a little more consideration than, say, the person who thinks they have to have it their way or no way. Most of all, very few times in my life have I had to eat my words because of things spoken in anger.
  9. by   Lisa CCU RN
    Quote from PeachPie
    Go through the archives of this website. It totally changed my life.
    OMG, I love this!
    I just read "Eight Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator."
    If that wasn't my husband ALL OVER!
    Is there a book or something on how to be a manipulator because I could have wrote that word for word?

    I am slowly beginning to not care what people think. Hey, I left the abusive loser didn't I? It's been a year and all the crap he told me about myself, turned out to NOT be true.


    Thanks for the advice guys.:blushkiss
    Last edit by Lisa CCU RN on Oct 5, '06
  10. by   geniann
    I am one of the most passive people around. I am usually proud of it but at work I had to be the "boss" and that is NOT fun. I had to tell women who are old enough to be my mother to do something- not tell at first, but ASK. I would ask and then I HAD to tell them- especially if it were really important. MOST of the older ladies had no problem with it but MOST of the younger ones did- and they let me know it. Just take it one step at a time- take a deep breath and say what you NEED to say. You will be fine!
  11. by   PeachPie
    Quote from CRNASOMEDAY25
    OMG, I love this!
    I just read "Eight Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator."
    If that wasn't my husband ALL OVER!
    Is there a book or something on how to be a manipulator because I could have wrote that word for word?

    I am slowly beginning to not care what people think. Hey, I left the abusive loser didn't I? It's been a year and all the crap he told me about myself, turned out to NOT be true.


    Thanks for the advice guys.:blushkiss
    I too used to be a doormat and a victim, but this website gave me a good kick to the cranium. I cried while reading because so much of it was true. I'm also proud to say that I was HB of the week once, see my webpage link through my profile.

    I'm glad to see that you've seen the light. I love this site because it's not just feminist, it's emotional adultist and strong confident peopleist. It's not misandrist either, which I love. Read the Rants section for some really good essays, especially this essay on martyrdom. I'm proud of you. You've gotten through the worst, as you got rid of the jerk who was supposed to be your closest friend.
  12. by   AfloydRN
    When you have the knowledge, you become more confident. None of us were confident at first. It comes w/ time and learning how to deal w/ MD's.

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