Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it.

Just once I'd love to say Get off the call bell for 10 minutes will you? You can do more than you're showing me, and you've alienated everyone that works this floor because you're impossible to please. You're not helpless and you don't deserve any preferential treatment because you think you should be waited on hand and foot. (I gave this patients washcloths and towels and a clean gown because I knew they were capable of washing themselves up, and what happened? They called the nurse to give them a bath of course. I would have loved to have said if you're being discharged tomorrow (because that's what you've told me) you are perfectly capable of washing up yourself. Better yet, can I "break" the call bell so they can't call anymore? This patient managed to anger 6 nurses, and 3 aides.. and that was only on day 2 of the hospital stay.

You're not my only patient. Stop thinking and believing you are. There are other people sicker than you are that DO need me.

This is a hospital not a spa. We don't work on your schedule, you need to adjust to ours.

You wanna check out AMA? Be my guest... There's the door. I'll even help you pack.

You don't like my service? I'm doing the best I can and I'm tired of busting my bum to please you. Chances are, you're a born complainer and no matter what I do, it won't be good enough for you.

No, I can't take your family member's blood pressure. My butt would get fired so fast, you wouldn't be able to see the flames.

Patient's families of 42 who camp out in the room... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go somewhere else.. you don't need to be here 24/7 and your family member is probably too polite to tell you to go home. Come and stay an hour, not all 24. Or patient's families who show up at 7 AM to "visit". Hello... I have sugars to do, baths to give, patients to feed, vitals to get... get outta the room... go get a coffee or something. Just go away for half an hour, please. (I would give anything to have enforcable visiting hours 2-4 and 7-9 back again).

I have no idea what time your doctor is coming. I forgot my crystal ball today. It won't fit in my purse.

I can't tell you what's wrong with the patient up/down/across the hall. There's this thing called HIPAA.

I can't give you meds because I am not a nurse (yet). I can tell your nurse that your IV is beeping, you're having pain, etc. I cannot unplug your IV, hang a new bag, or get the air out of the line. That is way outside my scope of practice. If you don't like it, tell the federal government, not me. My hands are tied.

I'm not a waitress. At least when I was a waitress I got tips.


I love my patients.. I really do.. but this has been one really badddddddddddddd week....

There is another...While your family members are visiting you,Why won't they do ANYTHING for you ? I want to ask them,Where is the love ?

But doctors sit by the patient's bed, just waiting for the nurse to come in! Or at least they do on TV.

Oh, and on TV, they always inform family members of a death in the parking lot or a crowded hallway.

And even before HIPAA, there was such a thing as patient confidentiality.

I had a patient that wanted help putting his penis in the urinal and help moving his testicles-- nothing wrong with his hands or arms, he just wouldn't do it. I told him no, I will not move your testicles you can do it yourself. I will, however, get someone to help me pull you up in bed for the thousandth time and then you can rearrange the intimate parts of your body to your hearts content. All of this while my patient next door was basically dying because he needed dialysis but did not want to put himself through it.

i had a patient curse me out in the ER one night because he came in with this huge mole on his testicles and wanted us to cut it off. he seriously walked down the hallway and showed it to every single person he could have. no, paramedics cant do that and neither can nurses, and the ER doctor wasnt about to leave a pedi head trauma to cut off the mole on his penis.

[[chronic hemodialysis unit]]
"Yes, you are right. I AM trying to kill you on this machine. it IS my fault that you are cramping. and I specifically called your bus driver this morning and told him to make you an hour late for tx.. I want you to be miserable. It has nothing to do with the fact that you drink 12 kilos worth of fluid b/t tx. "

and if you were this pt, would you like those hours? or better yet, if you were the family and your family member were in the hospital, would you want to only be able to see them from 2-4 or 7-9, on the days when you work from 3-10? I think it's great, albeit an incovinience, that the family is so supportive.

Another case of someone who's had something, like, forever, and wants it taken care of NOW?

Sounds like it.

I’m flattered that you want to hit on me, but the fact that there are seizure pads on your bed because you’re having seizures due to withdrawal from a variety of drugs just isn’t sexy.

To the meth-head mother with 7 kids....there's this great thing called birth control. You should try it sometime....or better yet, there an even better thing called a tubal ligation......let me get you the information......