Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it.

"You want to leave AMA because I won't give your pain medicine 2 hours early? Be my guest."

"You don't know why your blood sugar is 495? Could it have anything to do with the donuts that your family brought in for you to eat because we were starving you on a 1800 cal diet?"

"If you push that call light one more time for something stupid, it is going where the sun does not shine."

"I certainly believe you when you say that you do not use illicit drugs, but your urine drug screen states otherwise."

"No, I will not hold your penis for you to urinate. Neither one of your hands are broken, nor have you had a stroke."

You really should wash yourself today because something is not smelling too good in here...and I know what it is.

or..( I had this last night ) You should not eat while sitting on the pot full of "doo-doo".
The things that we see.............

I forgot one.......Who takes care of you at home ? Oh really,the person is not doing a very good job...

How about, why are you here if you dont want us to do our job (xyz-- lab draws, VS, c/o being NPO, ect)

Oh my god I am glad to see this thread up here. I have just started a new job at a hospital. I have been here for about 2 mths now as a patient tech in a Cardiac unit. It a freakin madhouse and I'm really wondering if I made the right choice about working there. The patients are SO NEEDY AND DEMANDING!!!! It blows my mind every night to hear them talk to the staff the way they do. Here would be my list of what I'd love to say to them:

1) Oh, I'm sorry, did the sign outside say the Ritz Carlton on the door? Because the last time I checked this is NOT a resort it's infact a hospital and your prognosis is going to require a little effort on your part.

2) Why is it that when I ask your 300 pound butt to stand up on a scale you are tired and need me to throw out my back assisting you? But when you need that chocolate chip cookie on your table you suddenly have the strength of SuperMan?

3) As if it wasn't bad enough that Spanish is becoming the primary language in this country, I get the traditional stare of confusion when I ask important questions to patients who don't speak English. Now unless I had a freak accident while traveling, I wouldn't sit in a hospital in France and keep talking in English because they wouldn't understand me now would they? Why am I the only one who finds this disturbing?

4) Just because your family member sneezed, or sniffled doesn't mean I'm going to drop what I'm doing to rush to their side!!

5) This one is my personal favorite, every shift I hear numerous complaints about how bad the food is. What I would give to tell one of these patients, your in a hospital, not a hotel. That food you were eating that put on that extra 100 pounds may be the very reason your lying in that bed with shortness of breath!!! I guess that would just be an anwser with too much logic now wouldn't it?

6) Im completely aware you need a bed change from excessively sweating. Again maybe it's the fact that your 300 pounds?

I know many of you may read this and think I am insincere, but the simple truth is many patients I take care of could turn their health around if they lost some weight. It comes down to responability pure and simple. As you know heart disease is the #1 cause of death in women and many of these patients are so heavy they haven't seen their crotch in 10 years because of the belly hangin over it. Thanks for the rant.

Almost forgot the classic....

7) I'd love to say "instead of pushing that call light all night long why not put that thing down and try washing your stinky crotch on your own for once?"

Ringing the callbell 3 times in 15 minutes will not make me move any faster. And ringing your call bell 3 times in 15 minutes at 0830 in the morning because you need maple syrup for your pancakes will just make me place you at the bottom of my priority list next time you call!

You are not my only patient. Deal with it. You want personal one on one care where you never have to wait? Hire a private nurse.

No, I won't tell you what's wrong with the pt in the next bed, room or the one sitting in the broda chair at the nursing station.

No, I won't call the ortho tech every 15 minutes until he comes. He knows your splint needs looking at. He's busy and will get here when he can. Calling him every 15 minutes will just delay his arrival and annoy the he** out of him.


To Visitors: Yes, I know that the LOL in the broda chair wants the table off. No, you can't take it off. Its there for a reason. Yes, I know she wants to go home - she can't. No , I can't tell you why. Yes, I know she's yelling. I can hear her too. No, I can't "drug her up".

I sincerely hope that these attitudes about people with weight issues are well in check when actually dealing with those patients.

When I help you off the toilet and say, "don't you want to wash your hands"... that wasn't a suggestion.
And don't you dare touch my hair and tell me it's pretty after you just crapped and didn't wash your hands, thank you very much!!

When I suggest "are you sure you don't want a shower, I can help you with one before bed, it my help you rest, and we need to clean your cath site anyways." It means you smell of yeast so bad we could start a bakery in here , and when I checked your groin site I had to bite my tongue to keep from gagging. We need to get you washed so it doesn't get infected.

Before you flame me...what I think and what I say are different...and I am very careful with my facial expressions.

I understand that your sister, daughter, son or grandma is in 10/10 pain, but the doctor has to see him/her first before prescribing that pain med. I know that your family member has been here 7 times in the past month for the same, legitimate pain issue, but the doc still needs to see you. No? You haven't followed up with the clinic doc, pain specialist in all this time? Please don't start screaming at me that if your family member was a "code blue" I'd bet my "sweet ass" that there'd be lots of people in the room. Airway, breathing and circulation unfortunately come before pain. You say you are a "nurse" because you are a HHA and that's "the same thing", so why don't you walk yourself over to the pixis and decide the appropriate medication, dosage and mechanism of delivery for your family member since it is well out of *my* scope of practice...

And while you are at it, help yourself to my uneaten snack in the nurses lounge, my bag is the pretty pink one with the apple, string cheese and the hershey bar, since I'm just sitting here at the desk playing solitare on the computer...

OK - I really did say the part about coding not being the same thing as pain, and that I was not insensitive to "grandma's" belly pain. But the other part, I just wished I could say - but Mr. Press Gainey likes to send out all those pretty pieces of paper..

I do politely and firmly ask the 16 crying family members to please step out when the doc comes in to assess the patient and he's so upset about thier unnessary wailing and flailing over every (normal) blip on the monitor (which I've explained to each family member that has asked) that the patient needs some "private time" with the doctor. Works like a charm - I say it with a sweet smile, and then the attending usually says "better listen to Blee, she's the boss around here..." LOL

Blee



PS - my favorite was from my nursing student days - "sorry sir, I really can't tell you if that is a tootsie roll or 'something else' that you dropped in your bed from here, and I'm not getting any closer while you are squishing it in your fingers and smelling it to determine the origin of said confectional delight"

No one ever said that nursing was boring!