Things You'd Like To Tell Visitors . . . . and get away with it

I bet you hear about Benny Hill too!

Dude...you're in the hospital, with MRSA in your packed belly wound. The fact that your girlfriend is IN BED WITH YOU NAKED is not only a huge infection hazard, it's really creeping me out. I can practically see the germs crawling off her and onto you and visa versa. And, no I can't take your telemetry off while you have sex. Have you heard of evisceration? Sex can wait another few days. Better yet, DO IT AT HOME.

What I said was, "no, I can't do that, as I have no medical order to remove your telemetry."

To the drama queen screaming at me to stop hurting her mom when I put the abdominal binder back on: Look, you jobless idiot, the reason your mom's had to have adhesions removed 3x is because each time, she didn't wear her binder. Screaming that you're going to throw that "torture" away when you get home is a sure way to put her right back here in another 2 months. And aren't we all looking forward to that. And, no, I'm not bringing you linens for you to take a bath. You keep threatening to sue everyone in sight, I'm not giving you the opportunity to slip in the shower, sorry.

What I'd really, REALLY like to say: Visiting hours are over. Please leave the building, we release the attack dogs in 3 minutes.

"No, we can't do a brain transplant on your child. I'm curious though, who did you have in mind?"

Your girlfriends dad just died so can you please stop flirting with me in the hall and go in the room and comfort your girlfriend !

"I'm sorry you think that we are killing your father, but I really think he's doing a pretty good job of that himself, based on his end stage cirrhosis... and based on the smell of your breath, you're not too far behind him yourself, are you?"

Please do not untie your restrained mentally altered husband, fail to tell anyone, fall asleep, then threaten to sue us when he gets out of bed, falls, and injures himself.

This one made me literally laugh out loud! No matter how many times I go back to read it again, I can't stop laughing!

No, I do not have a cup of ice. I don't make a habit of walking around with cups of ice in my pockets. There is ice in the cafeteria. Go help yourself. You look like you could use the exercise.

NO, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TIME THE DOCTOR IS COMING!!!!!!! Ask me one more time, and you're gonna need a dang doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the 3,654,255th time, no. No, your Granny cannot have chicken broth. It's too high in sodium and she has CHF. No, we do not have low sodium chicken broth. Now sit down and be quiet and let me get her blood transfusion started since her hemoglobin is 5. She should have gone to the ICU with that Hgb, but she ended up here, and you need to sit down and shut up and let me do my stinkin job. Better yet, why don't you go home?

Yes -I do know what you are going through. I sat by my Mother's bedisde for 5 days until she died. So don't pull this "you don't know what its like to lose a loved one" crap on me.
No - I cannot tell you the exact time your Mother will die. If I could do that, I would have been at my Moms bedside when she died, instead of stuffing my face at the Mc Donald's up the road.

Visiting hours are over. Yes - that includes you. I'm sorry you came in 5 mins before they were over, but as you Mom has been here for 6 months, you should know by now when visiting hours are.

No - I cannot take your temp, BP, look at your meds, give you something for your back pain. Go away.

Go HOME