Things You'd Like To Tell Visitors . . . . and get away with it

Things Id like to tell visitors....hmmmm.....how about:

Are you sure your family? I mean....because you see your Aunt Lily here was my favorite patient until 2 minutes ago when you came in to visit. See...I thought she was an intubated sedated orphan.....but now....with you showing up and all ....gosh things have changed" ...Id try to look real disappointed when I walked away,

Sir, I've very sorry that your life has not worked out as you wished, and your dad's decades of self destructive behavior have now led to liver cancer and a much shortened lifespan. I'm just standing here trying to get the pump readings off the IV machine for my I/Os, and you're threatening to hit me with that closed fist for not going to the ABC store for you, old chip off the block you. Let me point out a few things:

1 -- You may have been a bully and successfully abused women in the past. I am not that woman.

2 -- You weigh 90 pounds. I'm over 6 feet tall, and have a hundred pounds on you. You will not win a physical confrontation. I just want to get your dad's pump reading, that's all. You ask me if I know what it's like to have my arm broken. Why, yes, actually I have heard my own bones break, it's a deep, wet "crunk" sound, followed by clicking as the pieces bump into each other: I can give you the experience if you like.

3 -- No, I am still not getting you bourbon, and you are not going to "fix me" when I leave work this morning. May I introduce you to our lovely security guards? They are here because they like me. They have some lovely bracelets they will assist you in donning. And they like me. They don't like you. At all. They will be keeping you company in a little, windowless room until the county gets here, and preventing any slip, trips or falls.

4-- The ER will be expecting you.

You and your wife (who IS my patient) are lovely people. Really. I have enjoyed interacting with you all day long. But you, sir, are NOT my patient, and my assignment is already full. So, I didn't have time to call for your extra guest meal trays all day (that somebody ELSE approved), which I did, or untangle your oxygen tubing that's hooked up to OUR flowmeter (that somebody else approved), which I did, get you a glass of water for your pills, which I did, get you a Diet Pepsi, which I did....and now it's 10pm, I've been behind ALL day long, and I've brought you linen for the cot in the room. When you ask me, "is someone going to come down and make up the bed for me?" the answer is going to have to be no. I've been catering to you all day long, and while again, I really DO like you and your wife, I only have so much time to take care of the people I HAVE to take care of. Thank you for understanding.

Quit asking me why your mother doesn't have her shoes on when you are fully aware that she takes them off every chance she gets.No i will put them on everytime she takes them off i have better and more important things to do.

Why are you calling me at 4 p.m. to see how your mother/father/cousin/fellow volunteer at a bake sale 6 months ago is doing? I got out of report 30 minutes ago. I have not even seen this person yet and didn't even recognize the name until I looked at my report sheets. I will now have to walk approximately 75 yards to the chart to see if your name is on the HIPPA permission slip. Why don't you call halfway through a shift so the nurse knows a little something about the patient? Better yet, why don't you call your alert and oriented patient and ask him or herself? I guarantee they will know more about what's going on than I do. Especially if I have to waste so much of my patient care time on this sort of thing.

You want to know how your mom is? COME SEE HER.

How's mum? I've no idea, cos you're the 15th relative who's phoned in the last 30 minutes, so I haven't been able to get of the phone long enough to go see her!

No, i will NOT go to your mother's room and see why she isn't answering her phone! I don't feel the need to keep tabs on all 100 patients in my building while I am working. She is a grown woman. If she wants to leave or room or sit there and stare at the phone while it rings, that's HER business not mine. I am NOT your secretary and I have way more important things to do than go see if your mother is "missing". Do you HONESTLY think she's missing? Don't you'd think I would have contacted you if your mother was missing? Get over yourself, will ya?

What's that you say? You are going to have MY job because I refuse to go see if your mother is missing?? .....honey...better women than you have tried that route....

didn't work for them either.

You wanna know where she is or why she isn't answering her phone? THEN COME SEE FOR YOURSELF.

and then slamming your fists down on the desk when you DO come in yelling at me how I "scared" you on the telephone because I told you I had no idea if your mother was in her room?

get over yourself honey.

do you think i CARE if you are going to "have my job?". I'd like to see you get off your butt and do this job.

btw....HOW do you wipe your own butt with those 5 inch nails??

That always tickles me: "I'm going to have your job." -- usually said because I won't give a dying CHFer with a BNP over 10000 gallons of water, or let a brittle diabetic eat a pound of the chocolate the family just brought, or the dialysis pt drink from the 15 (yup counted'm) soda bottles you've brought in. You can tell these folks they are killing their family member until you're blue in the face, and they still want grandma to have that big cup of sweet tea from Bojangles....

So, what I'd like to say is:

If you give your mom one more sip, since she's over 3000 ml on a 1 L fluid restriction, I'm calling adult protective services, because you are obviously trying to kill her.

If doing my job costs me my job, it wasn't worth having.

You don't like the way we're "ignoring" your mom when she demands water? Fine. Take her home. RIGHT NOW. Oh, that's right, you brought her in because you couldn't "handle her at home" anymore because taking her to dialysis was interfering with your social life.

Good lord, where do these idiots come from, and why do they always seem to reproduce so many copies of themselves.....

Reasons why your Mom didn't answer the phone.
1 - She was in the BR.
2 - She at therapy - yes, surprising isn't it. She's here for REHAB so she goes for theapy.
3 - She's walking in the hall - see above.
4 - She's gone for that Xray that YOU isn't she needed.

And by the way, if your Mom doesn't answer after 2 or 3 rings. Please hang up. I was with her in the bathroom helping her wash/dress. I and her roommates had to listen to the phone 20 times. Its annoying.