Things You'd Like To Tell Visitors . . . . and get away with it

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for a waitress---NO, I don't have napkins on my med cart, and NO, I don't have time to run all the way down to the kitchen to fetch them for you. Do you see this syringe I'm holding here? That spells N-U-R-S-E.

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for a secretary---NO, I can't transfer you to Mrs. Smith's room, she doesn't have a phone, and NO, I can't just pull an extra phone out of a non-existent drawer and go plug it in, and NO, I'm not going to call the phone company and have a line put in, that's up to her family. And HELL NO, I'm not going to stand there and hold the cordless up to her ear while you talk to her for half an hour---I've got 26 other people to take care of!!

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for the janitor---NO, I can't stop my med pass to straighten your mother's bedside table and mop the floor, and NO, it's not my job to clean toilets.

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for the administrator---NO, I don't know how the cable TV contract works, and NO, I'm not going to call the cable company to find out for you because a) I've got 12 blood sugars to check and insulins to give, and b) it's Saturday, and they're CLOSED, duh.

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for a miracle worker---NO, I can't 'fix' your dad, he's 83 years old, demented, and he's dying because he spent half his life inside a bottle, smoked like a chimney until last year, and ate half a pound of bacon every morning for longer than I've been alive. He's had a longer life than many who took far better care of themselves..........I can keep him comfortable, but I'm NOT going to advocate for a feeding tube.

I'd swear you work on my unit but you are in the US. That sounds just like Monday shift.

Nice to know that idiot families are found on both sides of the 49th.

marla, to simplify:

"sorry, but you must have mistaken me for someone who gives a crap."...
followed w/sincere smile and trot on your merry way.

leslie (<------ sincere smile)

NO, just because I am some random person in scrubs walking in the entrance to the hospital to the time clock do not try to palm off on me your family member with IV pole that you have snuck out for a smoke break. YOU took him out on the smoke break YOU deliver him back to whatever floor (and it is not mine) that he belongs to.

No, I really don't care.

Here is one mg of ativan......take it, sit down, and quit bugging me!!!!

(Oh how I wish this was legal....and a nursing order.)

No, I'm not going to stop my charting to find a vase for your flowers. Yes, they are nice and I'm sure you're loved one will like them. But I could care less, I'm busy. Go ask housekeeping.

No, I don't know the directions to the three other long term care facilities in town.

No, I don't have a list of the restaurants in town, get a phone book or call 411 from your cell. I don't live in the town I work in--and I don't eat out every meal I work.

No, I don't have the guest password for the internet, sorry, but they don't tell nurses things like that because they are afraid we might use it to surf the internet.

Yes, I will kick your butt out of this room if you don't let me give your father--who is going to die TODAY--pain medication. See how he's moaning and groaning with his eyebrows all furrowed together like that? That IS a sign of pain even if you can't tell--so get out of my way. I'd scream too if you were singing that hymn to me...Seriously you think the morphine will kill him before the cancer?

It's none of your business why anyone else is here--you expect me to keep your loved ones information private, don't you? Have the same respect for your mom's roommate.

Why couldn't I keep your mom from falling? Maybe it's because she has end-stage dementia and has no clue where she is or even who she is for that matter. If you recall, you had a problem with the alarms, asking if "it's really necessary." And YOU take if off when you're here, don't tell staff, and then forget to put it back on when you leave. Half hour later we find her on the floor.

Why hasn't that coccyx wound healed yet? How did your wife get that? Oh yeah, that's from YOU leaving her home alone in bed all day until she "fell" and managed to break a marble table with her head. Still can't believe the investigation didn't come up with anything....amazing how alert she is now that she eats 3x a day, has decent medical care, and manages to even remember her caregivers by name. Under your care she was malnourished, sick, and dehydrated. Came from YOUR home with stage 3 pressure wounds to her coccyx, and stage two to both heels. Amazing how interactive she is with the other residents and staff when YOU are not around.

Yeah, I'm a little worked up over that last one...this woman has clearly been abused for years by her spouse, he tries to bully the nurses all the time. No respect for women at all. This lady is so sweet, I just love her...I hate the thought of her going home with this jerk. He freaks out if he's there and we aren't in the room as soon as the light goes on. Take a look in the mirror jerk.

Congratualtions! That's the stupidest question anyone's asked me all week! You win the prize! What's the prize, you ask? Well, bend over and you'll find out!

No, you may not threaten to hit me because you begged me to tell you your a/o x3 relative's lab results when she asked us to keep it confidential.


No, doctor, I don't care if that IS your mom in the other room and you are a world-reknowned doc, you are not the treating doc and you may not write orders into the chart. No.

I know!!! I love it when visitors ask me why I am making their family member stay in bed when they have an 8 French sheath hanging out of their leg. I had a patient the other day that actually told his wife to shut up and go home because she kept asking me about the sheath and the bedrest. He said "Shut up and go home, you're bothering my nurse!!" It was so hard to keep from busting out laughing! The best part is that she actually left. I my patients.

Dr. Kevorkian does, um, I mean did, you know, before they sent him to prison.