OK, everybody, I'm going psycho again! I've had this one floating around in the back of my head ever since OBNurseHeather mentioned nurses with batteries! To achieve that noble end, I'm unveiling:
THE NEW, IMPROVED, BATTERY-OPERATED ALLNURSE!!!
Expensive up-front, but guaranteed never to expect a raise in salary or all of those ridiculous "perks" such as health insurance, retirement, free coffee, urination, etc!
Operates on four standard D-cell batteries (optional recharger available!)
Patient lift/transfer capacity up to 400 lbs. with special "flip and turn" patient spatula connection!
Programmed to provide spiritual care and last rites in multiple languages to multiple religious groups, including Muslim, Hindu, Catholic, Buddhist and many others. Optional Holy-Water sprinkler available.
Inserts Foley catheters, rectal tubes and NG tubes with ease with the special temperature-and-pH-sensing "Orfice Locator!"
Super-enema-capability: holds enema solutions for everything from Soapsuds to Molasses-and-Milk (easily refillable in your Central Supply area from multi-use gallon jugs). Programmed to continue saying "Hold it!" every fifteen seconds until the requisite 2000 cc has been instilled. Inflatable "Rectal Plug" senses and immediately halts any leakage.
Physicians can dictate orders directly to the Battery-operated Nurse, avoiding those messy handwriting issues. The model is programmed to say "Yes, doctor," "Whatever you say, doctor" and "You're wonderful, doctor" at 1 minute intervals. The nurse-model then hooks up to a high-speed internet connection and communicates the orders to the appropriate department. A costly Unit Clerk position is eliminated!
Concerned about those messy Patient Advocacy issues? The model is programmed NEVER to perform any Patient Advocacy activities that would be embarrassing to physicians or administration.
Patient education videos can be selected and played at the bedside on the model's central screen. (Pornography videos also available at an additional charge to meet the patient's Sexual Needs).
All call lights will alarm directly into the model's detection system, sending the model careening down the hall on its high-speed wheels to reach the bedside.
Shower-hose connection performs high, medium or low sprays of delicately scented water for bathing purposes (Flip-and-turn spatula also useful during this function). Turbo-bath super-high-intensity-bathing option is available for those messy Code Browns and the hygienically challenged patient.
Computerized documentation continuously performed, guaranteed to meet any accreditation requirements (automatically downloaded to the model via internet access) as well as preventing any possible litigation.
Patient and Family Education is delivered in a soothing monotone with frequent platitudes and reassurances to provide hope to the recovering and comfort to the dying.
CPR plunger and Ambu bag connection for those nasty Codes. Post-mortem care is automatically performed if the model's super Vital Sign Sensor determines that the code has been unsuccessful and the body is neatly packaged for Funeral Home pickup.
Excited?? Interested?? Contact ALLNURSES Enteprenural Association today for a free quote!