Security Guard with the Mostest: How to Entertain a Little Old Lady

Ruby Vee, BSN

I was working in CCU, taking care of an elderly woman with a fresh MI. It might have been that the moon was full, but I can't say for sure.

That was the night the patient took off from the medical floor where he was detoxing from the combination of alcohol and painkillers that made the police decide he needed to be in a hospital rather than lying on the barroom floor . . . He wandered up to the 7th floor and through the double doors that clearly stated "No Admittance" and "Authorized Personnel Only" and made his way into my patient's room where he amused himself by masturbating at the foot of her bed. I called security.

Two security guards came to haul him off -- a 5 foot 2, 90-pound male and a 6 foot 2 300 pound female whose uniform shirt barely contained her "assets." Of course, Mr. masturbater got a really big thrill out of the female! But I digress. This was the start of my shift.

Later on, that night, when I heard the sound of shrieking coming from the front of the CCU, I naturally assumed that Mr. M. was back, buck naked again and showing off his shortcomings. Not this time. This time, the intruder was far smaller and airborne! As it swooped directly over my head and flew into the patient's room, I finally made sense of the nurse down the hall who was covering her hair with a towel and screaming "A bat! A bat!"

The bat swooped around the room a few times, flew out the door and back down the hall. I could see the charge nurse at the end of the hall, on the phone while warily watching for flying rodents and periodically ducking as the bat darted in her direction. This time, only the female security guard showed up, handcuffs in one hand and fire extinguisher in the other.

After putting the cuffs away, she took a few tentative swings at the bat with the fire extinguisher, but she was far too slow and the bat was far too quick. Then someone got the bright idea of gassing the bat to death by spraying him with the fire extinguisher.

All up and down the corridor, doors were slammed shut to keep the bat out of the patient rooms, and the security guard valiantly attempted to remove the offender.

I've seen funnier things than the 300-pound security guard chasing a flying bat down the hall spraying him with CO2 -- I know I have. But right now I can't think of what.

She's chasing the bat, and as she runs down the hall, her breasts are bouncing up and down vigorously inside that too-tight shirt. The bat got hit with a blast every now and again, and he started to turn white with the CO2. On her third pass down the hall, a shirt button popped free and went rolling away. The bat was fully coated with CO2 and starting to veer back and forth and up and down in a drunken manner.

On the fourth pass, another shirt button popped free and that bat was distinctly slowing down. He was completely covered with white and starting to look a bit frosty. As the security guard's shirt popped all the way open, the bat had reached his limit. Careening back and forth, he was steadily losing altitude and control. At the end of the hall, instead of making the turn to come back down, he made a big circle and smashed right into the window into my little old lady's room. And shattered! Not the glass, the bat shattered. Turns out he was frozen solid from the fire extinguisher!

As the security guard tried to button herself up and slink away, the little old lady with the fresh MI cried out "That was a much better show than the one I had earlier!"

Security Guard with the Mostest: How to Entertain a Little Old Lady

About Ruby Vee, BSN

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