Question

  1. I previously posted about this situation a couple of weeks ago, but was a bit inappropriate and it was deleted. I apologize for that.

    Briefly, is it possible to report someone for "inappropriate" remarks, rather than sexual harrasment?

    A coworker, made a couple of sexual propositions to me. He know's I'm happily "married", I wear a wedding band, and I informed in it was monogamous. He's male and I am male.

    He stopped. I'm not willing to drag us both through a sexual harrassment case. I'm just not. But my spouse whom I confided in is going to call HR with the situation if I don't report it.

    I'm meeting with my manager tomorrow to explain why I'm leaving this unit. Being unconfortable with this person is only one of the reasons. I'm grown, I handled the situation, it's done. But for the sake of not allowing him to get away with it, I'm going to mention it to my manager.

    My spouse says I tend to minimize. He's not jealous, because we are rock solid stable after six years. He's says for the sake of future "victums", I need to stop him.

    The question was, am I going to be dragged into sexual harrasment stuff, or is there such a thing as "inappropriate" comments without an actual charge of harrassment.
    Last edit by Tweety on Dec 29, '02
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  2. 13 Comments

  3. by   Diva
    It is possible to report someone for "inappropriate" remarks, but, think long an hard before you do this.

    The key comment in your posting is that after a couple of sexual propositions were made to you, you declined, explaining your marital situation and then, as you stated, "He stopped".

    A sexual harassment complaint is generally made when the harasser is told/asked to stop, yet continues.

    Regardless of your orientation, the rules apply to all. If he was interested/attracted to you, he made his overture (if his words were not proper, well he is just a jerk), was turned down and then stopped. You do not state if he is treating you differently, and even if so, as long as the patients are being cared for properly, nothing else matters.

    The wearing of a wedding ring, as you might know, is no longer seen as an obstacle to many, again regardless of orientation.

    I would ask your partner to not intervene and call HR. Things that happen at work between employees really are not the concern of other (though interested) parties.

    The operative word here is that he was asked to stop and did. Move on. I don't think you are minimizing here. It is now a dead issue.

    Let me ask another question for you to think about: If you were unattached, would the overture be such a big issue, whether or not you were interested?

    Hope this helps.
  4. by   adrienurse
    I still don't get what was so contravercial about the former thread. Why did it need to be deleted?

    As for you. This is your issue. If you don't want to make waves, I think Jon needs to try to respect that. Thank god you're getting away from that unit.
  5. by   emily_mom
    Yeah, what happened with the other thread? Last I saw it wasn't bad....

    I would do what you feel is right in your heart. If you don't want to say anything and your spouse calls HR, he will just create problems for you. But, do you think this guy will do this to someone else in the future if he is not stopped now? I would base my decision on that...you don't want anyone else to go through the emotional hell that you did.

    We all support you no matter what you decide to do....

    Kristy
  6. by   nursegoodguy
    Wow Diva... for only 2 posts that sure was a Great one!
    You need to post more often!
    I totally agree with everything you said!

    I think it's over stepping bounds when a sig other tries to take care of a work situation for you!

    I also wouldn't be changing to another unit either.

    And what's with this future victim stuff? Something more must've happened and I must not understand the whole situation? You said No he stopped sounds like the End of the story to me!
  7. by   nursegoodguy
    Originally posted by 3rdShiftGuy


    The question was, am I going to be dragged into sexual harrasment stuff, or is there such a thing as "inappropriate" comments without an actual charge of harrassment.
    Have you checked your facility policy?
    You must have a handbook which deals with such matters? Ours says you should do your job and keep your mouth shut to stay out of trouble...
    basically if I approach you and say whatever and you think it inappropriate and say don't talk to me like that and I don't stop then I am in violation and will have the appropriate disciplinary actions taken against me.
    I say if you want to persue this then check your handbook first and then I would speak to my supervisor. YOu'll probably be asked to give a statement though and that may lead to sexual harassment, intimidation etc etc... was what happened something to warrant all of that?

    Oh and if you send anything like a statement etc You need to send it certified return receipt requested and write that on the paper your statement is on! Keep your receipt in a safe place!
  8. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I would try to reign in that spouse were it me. It's not an issue that is HIS problem...you took care of it, did not take the man up his offer , and HIS place in your life/heart has not changed. It's YOUR issue and you RESOLVED it.....tell him the can of worms he is opening by sticking his nose in it this way, is all I can say. You are a big boy. Good luck!
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Dec 29, '02
  9. by   Tweety
    Originally posted by SmilingBluEyes
    I would try to reign in that spouse were it me. It's not an issue that is HIS problem...you took care of it, did not take the man up his offer , and HIS place in your life/heart has not changed. It's YOUR issue and you RESOLVED it.....tell him the can of worms he is opening by sticking his nose in it this way, is all I can say. You are a big boy. Good luck!
    I talked to spouse before I left work tonight and he isn't going to call, and is letting me handle it. To clarify it wasn't just one hit on, it was several over several weeks, not a "couple" as I stated above. But I'm sure he got the last rejection.

    John was a bit concerned that he wasn't following the nurse practice act and hospital policy by asking a fellow nurse to sleep with him several times. There are other issues with this nurse, and he's under the supervisoin of the state board, but I can't go into that.

    I'm just not sure if I should let it drop, or mention it to my manager while I express all my reasons for leaving this unit.
    Last edit by Tweety on Dec 29, '02
  10. by   SandyB
    Your nurse practice act says you can't sleep with another nurse? Your hospital policy says you can't date/sleep with another employee? You aren't in California are you?!!! Here it seems over half the nurse I know end up dating/sleeping with coworkers....
  11. by   Tweety
    Originally posted by SandyB
    Your nurse practice act says you can't sleep with another nurse? Your hospital policy says you can't date/sleep with another employee? You aren't in California are you?!!! Here it seems over half the nurse I know end up dating/sleeping with coworkers....
    Never mind. I'm finding I'm getting defensive, and I won't do that. I'm leaving out a lot of details, so I should not discuss it further.

    John was just unsure that if you know sexual harrassment is giong on, do you have a responsiblity to report it, if it isn't happening to you? I did tell him it wasn't harrassment and he's agreed to let it go. Just like if you know someone is drunk at work, do you have a responsibility to report them.

    But I do feel that when someone says "when are you going to give me some" and I reject them. They should accept no for an answer. Not ask me again the next day and the next after that. Even if I wasn't married, I would still be bothered by him.

    I'm thinking our hospital policy states something to the effect of working in a hassel free environment.

    Sure people hit on each other all the time, and even flirt, date, sleep around. We've caught people in dark hallways making out.

    Anyway, I'm going to let it go. I won't mention it to my manager. I'll go about my business on the new unit and leave him alone.

    Sorry, for being so unclear. I'll let it go now. Thanks.
  12. by   sjoe
    "Anyway, I'm going to let it go. I won't mention it to my manager. I'll go about my business on the new unit and leave him alone."

    A wise decision, IMHO.
  13. by   DIPLOMATICRN4HIRE
    http://www.lawguru.com/faq/16.html
    This is a site that may answer some of your questions and allow you to go deeper into your research without envolvement from anyone else.
    I know how you feel when it comes to what do I do , what do I say and who do I go to , to report this and what are the ramifications going to be when I do.
    The lawsuit that I settled not long ago also had a sexual harrassment issue in it. I wasnt comfortable at all when the lawyer brought it in, but there were some areas where it was so blatent that I just overlooked and ignored it completely.
    I cant express how difficult it will be for you, I can only offer my support in any decision that you will do for yourself.
    I do suggest that you speak with your manager when you talk to them of why your leaving your current area, and I would lay it all on the table. If you choose to go the chain of command know they will automatically assume that you are going to be taking legal action, even if you do or dont they will assume that you are. Things will change at that point on.
    I do hope you make the decision that works for you and you only. Because your the only one that walks in your shoes.
    So sorry to hear that your going through this, its a hard unpaved road to travel.
    Zoe
  14. by   hapeewendy
    in my opinion what you were going through , and the details are NOT important , was sexual harrassment , even the smallest , seemingly joking comments can be sexual harrassment....
    I'm all about joking and a good time and what have you but being that I'm one of the few "younger" nurses on the floor I've gotten my fair share of inappropriate comments, one such incident happened when I had only been working at my present job 3 months , We were transferring a patient from stretcher to bed and i was on top of the bed leaning over to grab the sheet and the porter said and i quote "wow I havent seen you in that position in a while" thought he was the funniest thing since seinfeld while I was humiliated, I wanted so bad to take it forward and complain but I did nothing , fearing that because I was new on the job I would be viewed as a "trouble maker"
    well never again....
    you live you learn
    I'm sorry you have to work with such annoyances ... hope you get on to greener pastures soon my friend..
    and as for your partners reaction , i think it was more of just a raw gut emotion that many of us would feel when the person we loved has been wronged, you want to act on their behalf even when they dont want to act on their own behalf, though I am glad he is not pursuing it , that would be tricky for all involved...
    cheers my friend

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