please read and reply! personal statement

  1. So I revamped my essay.....PLEASE COMMENT!!! For personal statement for direct etnry np programs

    Where are my keys? Oh, of course, they are in my hand. Why did I just walk into the bathroom? Oh yes, to grab a hair brush. Memory can be such a slippery thing. Why did I not decide to become a nurse seven years ago when I went to college? That is a question with which I still grapple...
    I have always had a keen interest for sciences. In college, I aggressively pursued my interest in genetics and molecular biology. I began working in a cancer-based research lab part-time in college. I absolutely loved the problem solving and critical thinking skills required to understand the scientific processes inherent in causing a normally replicating cell to morph into a rapidly over-proliferating cancer cell. Upon graduating from college, I began working in a neural stem cell lab to further my interest in the sciences. I continued to enjoy it, however after about six months, I began to notice a void in my everyday work. While I was impacting the lives of individuals, it was in a very indirect manner. I wanted something more. I wanted to see the immediate effects that my life could make on others in need.
    Working as a clinical research coordinator has given me the opportunity to focus on the experiences that accompany my days at work, and it is here that I have found a human strength like no other. The families of these patients wish harder, hope higher and pray more than I have ever seen. I found in my "everyday" days, that these individuals would allow me to share in their lives. I am able to be a person in which they can confide. They share family stories; even the difficult ones that have lead up to their family member being diagnosed and treated with cancer. We have learned from each other, and undoubtedly, they have been instrumental in helping me determine my true love: care and compassion for another human being. That is when nursing began to make sense.
    In addition to cultivating an interest in nursing, working with cancer patients has given me the opportunity to work with the elderly. It is evident that people are living longer and dealing with more chronic diseases than ever before. I became increasingly curious about what it means to age successfully. I found myself questioning why some people seemed to age so gracefully, while others succumbed to physical illness, mental decline or both.
    The amalgamation of these experiences has ultimately fostered within me a desire to pursue a career in geriatric acute care/critical care nursing at UMass Worcester's nursing program. Upon graduation and in the future, I would like to work with the aging population in an acute care/critical care setting. My hope is to stabilize the patients, minimize complications, manage their on going health care problems and promote physical and psychological well being while they are in the hospital. By educating this population in the hospital, it is my hope for them to be able to live a more fulfilling life outside by preventative measures.
    Memory is a slippery thing. But senses are evocative. A taste, a smell, a sight, a sound on any day can bring a memory brilliantly alive. And it is when that happens, I remember, I know and I feel why I want to be a nurse.
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  2. 10 Comments

  3. by   Joe NightingMale
    That's very good, combining both the intellectual and emotional aspects of nursing.

    I'm not sure I'd included that first paragraph, as it seems at odds withe rest of the essay
  4. by   Baloney Amputation
    For the most part, it's quite clear and focused. That's good! I don't get the first part in how it ties in with the rest of the statement just in my quick read. It might make more sense if I knew your history. To me it seemed like it was trying hard to be a attention grabber but didn't coalesce with the remaining paragraphs. Like I said, I gave it a quick read, so maybe I missed something. I also noted that there were a few punctuation things to look at again.

    However, I've not written any of these personal statements for myself yet! I have my own brewing in my mind, but it will be down the road in a couple of years.

    This was just my opinion, so take it as such. I wish you well!
  5. by   katiequinn
    Yeah,

    I guess I was trying to segway into it...like pointing out that I am not sure why I didn't become a nurse a while ago....and hten trying to work it out in paper.

    i hate how short these are! i am so verbose and i just want to make it into a short sweet package! any suggestions? thx for the input. if both of you agree then i guess i have some problems!
  6. by   Baloney Amputation
    Just my opinion again, but I just don't think it's needed. The rest of the paper is fine. Maybe if you start with some words about what in particular taking care of a person has affected you in making your decision to pursue higher education.

    For example: It was the quiver in the voice of my patient as she teared up, placed her hand on mine, and stammered, "Thank you for taking good care of me," before she rolled back into her sleep that stuck with me--I made a difference in her day. (That's just off the top of my head.) It's easy to paint that in your mind than something like, "I made a difference in a lot of patient's lives." You're just telling us that. Not that you have a lot of room for that kind of thing, but maybe that's how you can take your first paragraph. Paint 'em a picture!

    That's just an idea of mine and one way to take it. I don't know. Good luck still!

    Quote from katiequinn
    Yeah,

    I guess I was trying to segway into it...like pointing out that I am not sure why I didn't become a nurse a while ago....and hten trying to work it out in paper.

    i hate how short these are! i am so verbose and i just want to make it into a short sweet package! any suggestions? thx for the input. if both of you agree then i guess i have some problems!
  7. by   katiequinn
    which essay do you think is better....the first? or this one below....



    where are my keys? oh, of course, they are in my hand. why did i just walk
    into the bathroom? oh yes, to grab a hair brush. who is that person? oh, that is my sister? memory can be such a slippery thing--especially in the elderly.

    i have always had a keen interest for sciences. in college, i aggressively pursued my interest in genetics and molecular biology. i began working in a cancer-based research lab part-time in college. i absolutely loved the problem solving and critical thinking skills required to understand the scientific processes inherent in causing a normally replicating cell to morph into a rapidly over-proliferating cancer cell. upon graduating from college, i began working in a neural stem cell lab to further my interest in the sciences. i continued to enjoy it, however after about six months, i began to notice a void in my everyday work. while i was impacting the lives of individuals, it was in a very indirect manner. i wanted something more. i wanted to see the immediate effects that my life could make on others in need.
    working as a clinical research coordinator has given me the opportunity to focus on the experiences that accompany my days at work, and it is here that i have found a human strength like no other. the families of these patients wish harder, hope higher and pray more than i have ever seen. i found in my "everyday" days, that these individuals would allow me to share in their lives. i am able to be a person in which they can confide. they share family stories; even the difficult ones that have lead up to their family member being diagnosed and treated with cancer. we have learned from each other, and undoubtedly, they have been instrumental in helping me determine my true love: care and compassion for another human being. that is when nursing began to make sense.
    the amalgamation of these experiences has ultimately fostered within me a desire to pursue a career in geriatric acute care/critical care nursing at umass worcester's nursing program. working with cancer patients has given me the opportunity to work with individuals speckled throughout the life span and posed the question: what does it mean to age successfully? i find myself daily questioning why some people seem to age so gracefully, while others succumb to physical illness, mental decline or both.
    upon graduating as a geriatric acute care np, my hope is to help all patients define quality in their life. for those of whom there are medical treatments available, i plan to help with the acute care aspects of their illnesses and keeping them alive. however, on the other side, inevitably working with an older population means that good clinical outcomes will not always be achieved, independence will be lost, memories will vanish, and death will be inescapable. i believe it is critical in this population to help them realize the reality of their situation, and to empower them to achieve the best outcomes given their circumstances--both clinically and psychosocially. and it is through geriatric nursing that the patient can move toward a graceful end with dignity.
  8. by   Joe NightingMale
    I like the second one a little better (better final paragraph).
  9. by   Baloney Amputation
    I agree with the final paragraph being better on the second one. You are specific in your desire to be a GNP.

    I'm still hung up on the first paragraph. Now it sounds as if a stereotype of the elderly is being described and I don't know how well that would be received by the admitting committee. If you really want to keep your first paragraph, I think it was better in the first one because it described you.

    When do you apply? What is your school of choice (if you don't mind divulging)?
  10. by   katiequinn
    I am planning on applying to UMass Worcester, Rochester, Rush, UPenn and then possibly Yale, Case Western, BC and Simmons. Not sure


    any suggestions?
  11. by   leslie :-D
    Quote from katiequinn
    I am planning on applying to UMass Worcester, Rochester, Rush, UPenn and then possibly Yale, Case Western, BC and Simmons. Not sure


    any suggestions?
    1. i like the 2nd essay better.

    2. coming from boston, i happen to know that umass, bc and simmons, are all reputed to be excellent facilities.
    umass is the most popular (they have, i believe, 4 different universities/branches).
    bc and simmons are both excellent, too.
    me? i would choose umass.
    academia, faculty, student satisfaction and tuition-all remarkable.

    best of luck.

    leslie
  12. by   Baloney Amputation
    Quote from katiequinn
    I am planning on applying to UMass Worcester, Rochester, Rush, UPenn and then possibly Yale, Case Western, BC and Simmons. Not sure


    any suggestions?
    I don't know much about those programs because I haven't looked that way, but I know Iowa supposedly has a really good adult/gero NP program, too.

    I look forward to hearing about your acceptance!

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