Please help me understand/Domestic Violence Question - page 4

First of all I have to say that my on line persona doesn't even compare to my real time personality. Writing never has been my thing, I can never get the words from my brain to my typing fingers... Read More

  1. by   SmilingBluEyes
    You bet Jnette. I admire you so much. I wish I had your strength. I can't do this on my own.....after failing for 18 years to do it, I realized the search for the right therapist was essential----no matter how hard I tried to think my way out of it all, it did not work. Thank God a good friend pointed me to a therapist who really is worth every penny , double! He has made all the difference for me.

    You are so right; we all have to find a way that works. I just would not want to discourage others thinking of getting therapy from doing so.
  2. by   shadowrose81
    Thank you for sharing your stories, ladies. I am very grateful for the eye-opener and education in this matter. You're all very strong and I admire that!
  3. by   Gennaver
    Quote from Bipley

    ...My parents were both alcoholics, I firmly believe one cannot understand alcoholism unless one IS an alcoholic.

    ... I just want to understand the problem.
    Hi Bipley,

    Hope this response is received well.

    If you still love your parents, then I am surprised that you cannot relate to the feelings of a wife or child who also loves their abuser. Abusers do not abuse generally around the clock day in and day out. As you state about your parents, when you were young, you stayed with them right? Dependence, need, belonging and so on.

    Do you see the connection?


    You may be able to relate more than you realize. Alcoholism in parents is indeed abuse/neglect to. Not all violence starts right out the bat with a black eye or broken ribs, by the time those come along there could have been years invested in that relationship and then denial become an obstacle. If the partner slowly began abusing little by little, the boundries got pushed and pushed and eventually the entire situation has become pathological. I do not think it happens overnight at all. From what I hear, most abusers generally are not rotten sociopathic abusers constantly, heck, if they were they would never be able to snag an unsuspecting partner nor to keep them so entagled as they do.

    Gen
  4. by   jnette
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    You are so right; we all have to find a way that works. I just would not want to discourage others thinking of getting therapy from doing so.
    You are absolutely correct there, Deb. A good therapist is worth his/her weight in gold, truly.

    I am so pleased for you that yours has made such a difference in your life.
    Way to go! :kiss
  5. by   jnette
    Quote from Gennaver
    Hi Bipley,

    Hope this response is received well.

    If you still love your parents, then I am surprised that you cannot relate to the feelings of a wife or child who also loves their abuser. Abusers do not abuse generally around the clock day in and day out. As you state about your parents, when you were young, you stayed with them right? Dependence, need, belonging and so on.

    Do you see the connection?


    You may be able to relate more than you realize. Alcoholism in parents is indeed abuse/neglect to. Not all violence starts right out the bat with a black eye or broken ribs, by the time those come along there could have been years invested in that relationship and then denial become an obstacle. If the partner slowly began abusing little by little, the boundries got pushed and pushed and eventually the entire situation has become pathological. I do not think it happens overnight at all. From what I hear, most abusers generally are not rotten sociopathic abusers constantly, heck, if they were they would never be able to snag an unsuspecting partner nor to keep them so entagled as they do.

    Gen
    Gen.. while much of what you say is true indeed, there ARE some viscious psychopaths out there as well, who DO abuse around the clock, and prey on those who are unsuspecting and vulnerable at the time, as was in my case.

    They "play nice" initially until they have you where they want you.. preferably far away from home, or otherwise isolated.
    Once they have you in their web, they show their true colors. Instant change, and unapologetically so. The violence begins THEN, and is indeed 'round the clock from that point on. There is no slow increase, no time outs.

    I realize this is more the exception than the rule, but it is out there, nonetheless. Very scary, very dangerous situation. :stone
  6. by   RN Rotten Nurse
    I'll try to find the exact statistics for you (and some literature to read) but I'll tell you now it's because they fear for their lives. More women get killed by their abusive partner AFTER they leave him/her than those that are actually living with the abuser. As an ER nurse, I'm surprised you haven't learned this fact in some sort of class such as a triage class. There are abusers that threaten to kill their partners if they leave and they do just that! I suggest a little internet research.............
  7. by   warrior woman
    Quote from Bipley
    You know what? I'm still stupid because I don't get it. Abusive spouses cut brakes and do the same things and people stay.

    Why do they stay? I understand why they leave, I don't understand why they stay.
    Because unfortunately, after all of the abuse they've suffered, they TRULY believe every horrible thing that was said about them. They've been truly brainwashed, and adversely conditioned to believe the lies that are fed to them by their abusive spouse. This leads to a paralysis of indecision of the abused party. It's all about NEGATIVE CONDITIONING.
  8. by   FurmanGirl
    You should try looking up "battered wife syndrome". It's actually a bonafide syndrome, and sometimes a self defense in trials where a wife kills her abusive spouse (though it should be renamed to be PC for those who aren't wives, but, hey, I didn't name it), not that I'm recommending it. I've been intently reading this thread, and was suprised it wasn't mentioned before. My father never once hit me or my mother, but he always a step away from it. The threat was there, but he never acted on it, though he was emotionally and verbally abusive. I'm so thankful to the ones who've shared their stories, it's kind of scary how similar my dad sounds to these other men. I did want to rant for just a minute, though. My state is consistently ranked among the highest for men who kill their female partners. But in my southern, old-fashioned state, most people still believe that it's a private matter not to be discussed with others, none of their business, they don't get involved. Sure restraining orders are amost always noted in these cases, but the police don't particularly enforce them, if they decide to give the person one. Also, I was taught in a self defense course through my college sorority, that in our area, and many others, if you do call for help from the police in a domestic violence case, that you shouldn't say it's DV. The cops are slower to respond and less likely to be helpful. Now, I'm not sure where they got their statistics, but it SEEMS to be true. I also am not saying that all law enforcement are liek this, but it generally happens in my area. In addition, we were told to say there was a robbery or something similar to get a quicker response time. I'm not sure if that qualifies, but if could fall under filling a false report. Has anyone else ever heard of this or know anything about it?
    P.S. I'm not trying to offend anyone, just trying to inform and get feedback.
  9. by   Valerette
    I'm happy to report that my state takes DV very seriously, although I had heard stories similar to what you have heard. After I ended my relationship with my abuser, he went on to abuse another woman. She called the police about his behavior but then he talked her into recanting her story and dropping charges.

    However, in my state the DA can press charges without the main victim's cooperation; I received a call from the DA asking me to testify against him. It was very hard to drag everything back to light again but I'm so glad I did it. He was convicted of kidnapping and assault with a deadly weapon, all against the new girlfriend, and received 30 years in prison. I can't describe what a relief it was to me to not have to worry anymore about his influence on my daughter.

    So my point is, the police in my state took this violence very seriously, more seriously then the victim was taking it. Hopefully if the police in your state aren't there yet, they'll get there. One piece of advice, though--if you get a restraining order against your abuser, honor it!! Report him if he contacts you!! I got a restraining order against my abuser and he wrote me two letters , both trying to sweet talk me into taking him back. I brought both letters to the police and he ended up spending some time in jail because of it. I realize in some cases this might seem too dangerous, but I feel it's too dangerous not to. The police took me much more seriously because of this and I think it helped me come across as a truthful witness when I testified against him later on.
  10. by   Bipley
    Quote from Gennaver
    Hi Bipley,

    Hope this response is received well.

    If you still love your parents, then I am surprised that you cannot relate to the feelings of a wife or child who also loves their abuser. Abusers do not abuse generally around the clock day in and day out. As you state about your parents, when you were young, you stayed with them right? Dependence, need, belonging and so on.
    I'm not really sure it is the same. Yes, my parents were abusive emotionally and physically but I knew at the time what the deal was. I was much MUCH different from my sisters. They didn't understand and thought this was part of life.

    I remember going to a friend's house when I was a freshman in high school, I stayed over night with her. In the morning her Dad was drinking his coffee and reading his paper. He asked if I would mind getting him another cup of coffee since I was standing. I was happy to do so and asked how he took his coffee. He said black. I said no, I mean what do you want in it. He said nothing, he takes it black. I thought he meant he didn't want cream or sugar, *I* meant which liquor do you want in it. LOL Honestly, at the time I was floored when he kindly and gently explained to me that most people don't put liquor in their coffee. I was a freshman in high school and I thought it was a normal and natural thing, something everyone did. A shot in your coffee. (No wonder I can't stand coffee to this day)

    I really do have a point here. That opened my eyes and I started paying attention and realized that what was going on wasn't right. I wanted out. I finally moved out when I was 17. Eventually I moved to the SW US and made it a point not to let anyone know where I was. I didn't tell my friends or family I was moving let alone the fact I was moving to Arizona. I couldn't work as a nurse because I didn't want a paper trail. I just wanted to be left alone. Well, I did tell ONE friend where I was. Her kids went to school with my sister's kids and she kept me up to date on what was going on at the home front. But she never let on that she knew where I was.

    After a year Rita called me to tell me that my parents were getting a divorce, long story short I called my Dad. Turns out when he sobered up (binge drinker) he discovered I was gone and my house was up for sale. That was his own personal bottom and he never had a drink after that. He divorced my Mom, married a skank, and would have celebrated his 20th anniversary of sobriety last August had he not died a few months ago.

    The reason I can't really relate is that I wanted out and I got out as soon as I could. I went to high school half days (as a senior we could do that) and worked full time to support myself and pay for my apartment. Even as a kid the first time my Dad held me down on a bed with his knee in my chest breaking a rib, the first thing I did was to go to the police department. However, I'm from a tiny little farm town in Iowa and Barney Fife was our police chief. He told me surely I didn't want to get my Dad in trouble for a little mistake and essentially refused to do anything about it. When he would drive drunk I would call the police and tell them there was a drunk driving around town in a caddy and go get him. Again... Barney Fife at his best declined to do anything.

    I never hestitated to respond appropriately, I never allowed him to frighten me to the point that I was afraid to do something about his behaviors. He attempted manipulation, threats, the works and it just didn't work with me. It worked with my sisters but not me.

    My Mom died of alcohol related problems 11 years ago. My Dad died of colon CA 7 months ago. In the last 20 years my Dad and I became quite close, we were best buds. We made up for lost time. It was the first time I got to know my real Dad, my sober Dad. I treasure that time.

    So yes, there was abuse both emotional and physical but nothing like what you folks are talking about and my reaction was different, probably due to different scanarios and a different type of relationship.

    Me, the atheist, will pray for the man that hits me because a prayer will be the only thing he has by the time I am done with him.

    I am extremely fortunate today because my b/f of 17 years is extremely kind and gentle. He treats me with respect and would never dream of doing anything to harm me. I treat him the same.

    Due to all the above I still can't begin to relate although I believe I do understand the point you are trying to make.

    One really cool thing about this thread. It is giving us the opportunity to get to know one another on a different level. It's an opportunity to see why some issues might bring about a knee jerk reaction in one yet not another. While we may not be walking in the shoes of each other, we are at least getting a peek at those shoes. Not sure if I'm making my point but suffice it to say, I like this thread for a variety of reasons. It's teaching me something and I'm getting to know folks here better on various levels.
  11. by   Bipley
    Quote from RN Rotten Nurse
    I'll try to find the exact statistics for you (and some literature to read) but I'll tell you now it's because they fear for their lives. More women get killed by their abusive partner AFTER they leave him/her than those that are actually living with the abuser. As an ER nurse, I'm surprised you haven't learned this fact in some sort of class such as a triage class. There are abusers that threaten to kill their partners if they leave and they do just that! I suggest a little internet research.............
    I am aware of stats, I am aware of a patient's reaction to her abuser in an ER setting. That doesn't help me to walk in his/her shoes. It doesn't help me to relate to what is going on in his/her mind. That is what I am looking for.

    Life is not so precious to me that I would prefer to live in hell for many years vs. die for leaving an abuser. If I had a choice of one or the other, I would choose death. Life is precious, and too short. But I'd rather have a short quality life over years and years of life as an abused person.

    My response to you is exactly why I have kind of avoided my own thread! What is in my head doesn't come out well on a computer screen and it has a much different tone vs. the voices in my head. I knew I would come off as insulting. In real time I am extremely compassionate and caring. On line I come off as a big 'ol B. So as to not insult people I have tried not to post much in this thread. I knew my questions would bring about sensitive issues for folks and I didn't want to sound different from my intent.
  12. by   Grace Oz
    LIKE A MIDWIFE WHO HAS NEVER HAD A BABY ............

    You can read about it.... study it .... hear about it......you can even assist those who experience it ........

    But ... you can NEVER know it, begin to understand it, have empathy for/with it, or true/deep seated compassion, unless YOU have WALKED that journey!
    Last edit by Grace Oz on Nov 24, '05
  13. by   Bipley
    Quote from Grace Oz
    LIKE A MIDWIFE WHO HAS NEVER HAD A BABY ............

    You can read about it.... study it .... hear about it......you can even assist those who experience it ........

    But ... you can NEVER know it, begin to understand it, have empathy for/with it, or true/deep seated compassion, unless YOU have WALKED that journey!
    Hear hear!

    Thank you for explaining what I have been unable.

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