Out With It - page 2

by wish_me_luck | 9,519 Views | 67 Comments

I sat there in library working on one of my many papers and projects that I had due. I was exhausted--exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally; I was done with it. Suddenly, a thought came to my mind to kill myself. I finished... Read More


  1. 4
    thank you for your story and thanks for joining us.

    I was diagnosed with BPD at the age of 50. I was so happy to finally know why my life is the way it is. And since finding out I've been doing better because I understand what is going on with me.

    I live almost daily with thoughts of dying or purposely hurting myself. Just this evening I was enjoying a lovely bike ride and thought about crashing my bike on purpose. It was a fleeting thought and I paid it no attention. I can't drive on a highway because I have a huge fear that I'll purposely crash and kill myself.

    Learn about your disease, learn about yourself and seek treatment. But most of all....be patient and loving with yourself.
    sapphire18, pinkiepieRN, Esme12, and 1 other like this.
  2. 5
    Yeah, this discussion about mental illness, especially Borderline Personality Disorder, is long overdue. I went through a shock factor stage of having the dreaded Borderline Personality Disorder in the beginning. I am over that now. I am in the advocacy and empowerment stage of recovery.

    I actually rather like having Borderline Personality Disorder--I think I may be the first to ever say that, but I do. I do have periods of extreme sadness (complete with loud sobbing), extreme irritability, etc.; however, no one mentions the extreme happiness that comes with it. At least I have experienced extreme happiness--almost to a point of ecstasy and bliss. People with Borderline Personality Disorder are just as creative as those with Bipolar and Schizophrenia. Having a highly stigmatized disorder has made it easier to find out who really has my back and is worth being around.

    Also, I wish people would ask me about Borderline Personality Disorder and also, how it affects me personally. People have a lot of assumptions about it and more than half of them are not true. I think what happened with Borderline Personality Disorder was that a few people had a bad run in with one and then, they spread the word to stay away from people with Borderline Personality Disorder (I was told to stay away from people with BPD in nursing school--apparently, people in medical school are told that, too). So, then, it just perpetuates, and when and if, a nurse or physician comes in contact with one they psych themselves out and for lack of better words, get what they ask for. Another trait I have as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder is that I tend to pick up on peoples' emotions fast and can read people decently well--if you come up to me defensive (not only in spoken language, but body language and attitude), I will get defensive.

    My therapist even admitted that she used to hate the idea of working with people with Borderline Personality Disorder. She has started to understand them better though.

    It doesn't help either that the typical Borderline example is Glenn Close's character "Alex" in Fatal Attraction. That is a very extreme example. My therapist even admitted that. I have read that a better example is Young Adult with Charlize Theron.
    Last edit by wish_me_luck on May 3, '13
    pinkiepieRN, uRNmyway, Esme12, and 2 others like this.
  3. 1
    Quote from wish_me_luck
    Yeah, this discussion about mental illness, especially Borderline Personality Disorder, is long overdue. I went through a shock factor stage of having the dreaded Borderline Personality Disorder in the beginning. I am over that now. I am in the advocacy and empowerment stage of recovery.

    I actually rather like having Borderline Personality Disorder--I think I may be the first to ever say that, but I do. I do have periods of extreme sadness (complete with loud sobbing), extreme irritability, etc.; however, no one mentions the extreme happiness that comes with it. At least I have experienced extreme happiness--almost to a point of ecstasy and bliss. People with Borderline Personality Disorder are just as creative as those with Bipolar and Schizophrenia. Having a highly stigmatized disorder has made it easier to find out who really has my back and is worth being around.

    Also, I wish people would ask me about Borderline Personality Disorder and also, how it affects me personally. People have a lot of assumptions about it and more than half of them are not true. I think what happened with Borderline Personality Disorder was that a few people had a bad run in with one and then, they spread the word to stay away from people with Borderline Personality Disorder (I was told to stay away from people with BPD in nursing school--apparently, people in medical school are told that, too). So, then, it just perpetuates, and when and if, a nurse or physician comes in contact with one they psych themselves out and for lack of better words, get what they ask for. Another trait I have as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder is that I tend to pick up on peoples' emotions fast and can read people decently well--if you come up to me defensive (not only in spoken language, but body language and attitude), I will get defensive.

    My therapist even admitted that she used to hate the idea of working with people with Borderline Personality Disorder. She has started to understand them better though.

    It doesn't help either that the typical Borderline example is Glenn Close's character "Alex" in Fatal Attraction. That is a very extreme example. My therapist even admitted that. I have read that a better example is Young Adult with Charlize Theron.
    As a psych nurse, I'm used to co-workers handing all the BPD patients in my direction, because not only do I have the patience and compassion to set appropriate limits while still being professional and therapeutic, but because I can relate and emphasize. I've been diagnosed as "personality disorder NOS" to BPD to "Axis II traits". What I know is that the symptoms are often long established patterns and often unhealthy coping mechanisms for having been dealt a ****** hand in life or living amongst a dysfunctional family.
    uRNmyway likes this.
  4. 0
    wish_me_luck, please tell me more about BPD from your perspective.

    I have always conceptualized this disorder as someone being "stuck" in an early Erickson's stage (Trust/ Mistrust & Autonomy vs Shame & Doubt). That these people have grown up in many ways but in other ways, their personality is stuck in a primal stage of development (ie., the toddler stage). Is this true? I honestly would like to know. Thank you in advance.
  5. 4
    It is a little of that. I know when I was little, my mom was in the military and so, she had to go to work and we had a babysitter often and also, my dad would go to his work and up into the states (we lived on an island). Then, we moved to the states, and I went to school and then, I went to daycare after. My mom would volunteer when she could at our school though. I started getting in trouble because I would get done with my work, then go around calling the other kids stupid and rolling around on the floor. My parents were having to meet with my teacher quite often (in like first grade) and then, I would get punished (quite often). I got attention from my parents though when doing that. Also, with the punitive punishment, I developed a low self esteem.I did get a dog in elementary school--3rd grade (it was more of my dog because there were two and my brother got one and I got one) and I loved her so much because I got attention and a creature who loved me. The dog got hit by a car and I was devastated. It took years (kind of embarrassing) to get over it. I know the dog got killed, but I guess somewhere in my mind, a creature left me again. In upper elementary (4-6 grades), I would call kids names and was a mean little kid. I didn't ever physically fight someone, but I would scratch people and was more verbally abusive (sorry to say) and say and do things to make people mad because it got attention. I learned from a young age, being bad got attention, being good got really nothing--more of ignoring.

    I started having seizures in middle school. My parents, especially my mom, gave me attention then. In middle school and high school, my parents had marriage problems. My dad had an affair and my parents argued a lot and my brother and dad would get into physical fights and my dad moved out for a while. My parents tried marriage counseling--they like a quick fix, counseling didn't last long because counseling takes time. They did stay together, but I was the therapist, so to speak, for my mom. It was hard to have to hear adult problems and be a teenager dealing with puberty and trying to figure out relationships seeing my parents fight a lot. I had friends at school, but I never saw them after school. It was just my mom, brother, and me most of the time. My mom didn't have friends she hung out with either. It became like a clingy co-dependent relationship.

    I started college and it was nice because I made friends and was more independent than I was before. But, I started having a lot of mental health issues (not just suspected--it was suspected I had BPD when I was 13) and I went in-patient voluntarily, got counseling. Stopped going because my mom didn't think it made me better. I was drinking and it started like everyday I would drink, then it switched to binge drinking. That caused problems--a couple of visits to the ER. I never developed good coping skills. I had suicide attempts, including the one I talked about earlier. The first time I ever thought about killing myself, I was 7 years old. Then, again at 12. They were thoughts, but eventually progressed into attempts in my teenage years and early 20s. I live at home and always have and it can be hard because my parents go back and forth between being supportive and the "go get a job and move out" mentality. I get confused sometimes what they want for me.

    I think between the realization that if I kept at this, I was going to die (people couldn't tell me that, I had to realize that) and the intervention with Board of Nursing/HPMP (I know I have to stay on the straight and narrow, now. Messing up is not an option), I have been forced to and want to work on recovery. I am hoping that I can have a good future and happy life. I do have fleeting moments, like itsmejuli, that I just want to die (when I go by the cemetery, I imagine being dead and how peaceful that could be); but, I also would like a chance at a good life. I am holding out hope and trying to stay busy.
    annietart, sharanza930, VickyRN, and 1 other like this.
  6. 2
    I don't know if I conceptualized it that much, Vicky; but, stuff like that leads to BPD.
    pinkiepieRN and VickyRN like this.
  7. 0
    Quote from wish_me_luck
    I don't know if I conceptualized it that much, Vicky; but, stuff like that leads to BPD.
    I definitely agree with this. It's almost similar to a PTSD response. It's a coping mechanism that just doesn't quite fit or work, almost.
  8. 2
    It's hard to pin point one stage that a BPD gets stuck in or one event that caused it--more like a train wreck. One event leads to another and another and before long, they are stuck in a pattern that is very unhealthy. Dolce is right.

    But since personality and behavior is not really set in stone until adulthood and even in young adults there's still pliability, if caught early, it can be changed. The older a person gets without intervention, the harder it is to break the habits.
    pinkiepieRN and VickyRN like this.
  9. 0
    Depression and suicidal thoughts are truly a torment to a person. Stay strong, put your trust in God and your guardian angel, continue therapy and a support group. There is a ancient blessed scapular, not commonly known called The Cross or Brief of St Anthony Scapular that protects one from suicide. If you are curious about it you can learn more via a google search The Brief of St Anthony to learn the history of it and how you could get one.
    Last edit by brandy1017 on May 3, '13
  10. 0
    I'm a nurse. I had a four-year relationship with an intelligent and successful man. About a year and a half into the relationship, he proposed, and we became engaged (went to "Tiffany's" Got the Big Ring"). I moved in with him.

    What had before seemed like his love and concern for me became need and obsession. He called me 5-10 times a day. If I didn't answer he became agitated.

    I loved him. I recognized that he was too possessive. I started to try and figure out why he behaved the way he did. I literally, after living with him, paged through the DSM, trying to figure him out.

    EUREKA!! He's a Borderline. Every characteristic fit.

    BUMMER...there is no treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.

    (People that are Bipolar take meds every day to manage themselves. People with Depression take meds every day. Borderlines don't think they need meds. He took no meds.)

    When I left him, he stalked me and threatened to kill me. He looked up every person on my cell phone and called them. I had to sue him to keep him, my former fiance, a very successful man, that I loved, away from me.

    Here's my question: Do you have a stable relationship with a husband or significant other to support you, now that you have been diagnosed with BPD?


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