Nurses and their own families...

Trauma Columnist · Oct 27, 2008

I've been a nurse for awhile now and both of my parents are now gone. Nope, couldn't do the caregiver thing because of the way things were; including my own family needs, jobs, etc.. Don't let people "guilt" you into caring for parents or family members.

How in the world do people just up and quit their jobs and still stay afloat financially when they become full time caregivers? My family isn't wealthy and we never had this option.

Babs0512 · Oct 27, 2008

I do know what you mean, however, I did choose to do the caregiver thing. Mom had Parkinson's Disease and developed Parkinson's dementia. She lived with us for a year and a half before she died. Her death was accidental, she fell down our concrete steps had a basilar skull fx, sub-dural bleed and developed a contra coup bleed the next day. She passed 3 days later. Anyhow, mom drove me crazy sometimes, but I'm glad I took her in, my conscious is clear, well, mostly - I still could have spent more time with her, one on one. I was newly married, blended family and all, so I did the best I could.

I can certainly understand where you're coming from, and I wouldn't let anyone guilt me into caring for my parents. This was a choice that my husband and I made, we had just purchased a five bedroom house so we had the room, and I don't regret it. Mom complained about the "fixer upper" house we bought, and how "she shouldn't have to pay rent" - we charged her $200.00/month to help with expenses - and trust me, she "borrowed" as much back each month to go to her weekly BINGO outings! Got to the point we just held the $200.00 aside and gave her her own money to "borrow" - she never paid it back anyway:icon_roll

Good luck and be at peace with whatever decision you make.

Blessings

Straydandelion · Oct 27, 2008

Having both parents diagnosed with Alzheimers taking care of my brother who is Down's I made the choice to take care of them. My Dad passed away and I now have my mom and brother living with me being a full time caregiver. We all make decisions the best we are able to. My Dad was too aggressive to keep at home and was placed in a Nursing Home. I am not sorry for either decision knowing there was nothing else I was able to do. Life choices and what we do...and I think we all try to do the best for ourselves and families...should never bring guilt.

tencat · Oct 27, 2008

I really applaud you, Straydandelion. Being a caregiver for loved ones is probably the hardest job there is. Often with Alzheimer's the patient does have to be in a facility due to the fact that at certain stages of the disease it is just about impossible to care for them at home.

Me? My mother died in 2001, before I was a nurse and really had a clue as to how ill she was. If I had known, I would have cared for her. My dad on the other hand.....probably not. Really can't stand the guy.

RNperdiem, RN · Oct 27, 2008

I'm not sure.

I expect that I and lots of people my age will be working until well into old age. The days of pensions are over, and I don't think Social Security will be there for me.

I'm not sure how I will be able to combine full-time caregiving with a need for future financial security.

When my great-grandparents got old they simply moved in with their children and became part of the extended family. The children farmed and were able to combine daily work and taking care of elderly parents. That was also the only choice they had.

mama_d, BSN, RN · Oct 27, 2008

I'm the oldest out of five, my husband is the oldest out of four. His parents are divorced and remarried. I joke with all of the parents that there's no way we could take care of all of them at once; I'd probably have to get licensed through the state to do that with six of them! I think that when the time comes there are enough of us kids to go around to help care for them for a while, but they all know that it's off to the nursing home for them when it gets too bad. In all seriousness, though, I will be one of those family members who pops in at all times, with no consistent schedule, and often, to help make sure that they are getting good care. Not that I plan on being a harpy about it, Lord knows we nurses put up with enough BS without getting it from one of our own.

My husband's dad and his wife have already told us that they don't want family members caring for them b/c of pride issues. My mom and my husband's mom know firsthand what it's like caring for elderly parents, so they're okay with it as well. My dad's point of view is that once he can't drive, take him out back and shoot him. So at least we're all basically on the same page. Thankfully all the parents are in pretty good shape medically, so hopefully it'll be a long time before we have to cross that bridge.

As a side note to the above re: pensions, I actually work at a job with a pension. Not sure if it'll still be applicable when I finally retire in like 120 years, but I'm hoping.

FroggyMama · Oct 27, 2008

BTDT, with my grandpa when he was on hospice for lung/prostate CA. It sucked! Would NEVER do it again.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Oct 27, 2008

how do you nurses treat your family? family as in parents, not husbands or children. what if one of them had dementia or ms or anything? would you take care of them?
i love my parents, but i can't stand to be around them for more than a week, two at the most. if they get sick with the flu or whatever, i might be concerned, but not much more. it doesn't help that they just blow me off if i try to offer advice or help. so if they needed 24/7 care, there's no way in hell i would/could see myself taking care of them. yet i can hear some people say: "you're a nurse, what the hell?!"
does anyone know what i mean?

i love my parents, too, but they weren't very good to me when i was a kid, and people who tell me "you should take are of them just like they took care of you when you were a child" really (1) make me angry and (2) don't have a clue what they're talking about! my mother and my mother-in-law both have alzheimer's. mother-in-law is in a nursing home (after she went after my sister-in-law with a scythe!), and my father is taking care of mom at home. i'm glad dad is able to cope with mom at home, but when he can't any longer she's going to have to go to a nursing home. i don't have extra room for parents, they live 1000 miles away and spending my 50s caring for parents who were abusive when i was a child isn't in my list of goals.

FATKAT · Oct 27, 2008

I admire those people who can become caregivers for their parents, I certainly couldn't do it. My parents drive me crazy! I can handle them only in small doses. I don't see anything wrong with having my parents in homes, they would be happier - we wouldn't get on each others nerves and they would be less isolated and with people that they can form friendships etc. Don't let anyone guilt you into becoming a caregiver, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else and if that includes less stress etc that family can bring then so be it.

Delirium, RN · Oct 28, 2008

Good points, all. Thanks for your input! :redpinkhe