My mom doesn't believe in me. My mom doesn't believe in me. | allnurses

My mom doesn't believe in me.

  1. 0 Hello fellow nurses! I recently graduated nursing school and became a licensed registered nurse! 😊 I'm very happy and proud of my accomplishment. I was also able to land an internship rotating throughout different floors immediately after school even before being licensed!

    We're about to move out, I'm about to lease my first apartment. We - meaning my mother and I. She's in her late 50s, divorced, and well I'm going to take care of her. I was approved to lease at these amazingly beautiful apartments.

    While I'm starting my first RN job ever in a few days I will also be in the midst of moving to my first apartment ever. I'm a little stressed, extremely excited, and I guess the best word to describe my current state is ambivalent.

    I wanted to provide you with a current overview of where I stand.

    So today somehow graduate school came up, I told my mother that a few years into the future I may actually consider CRNA or maybe Acute Care Nurse Practitioner. I was met with with immediate undertones of disapproval of CRNA that were easily detectable in her body language and "what ifs". Eventually she basically said, "I don't want to beat around the bush but I don't think you're cut out for it. Just look at how stressed you were during nursing school".

    Here's the thing. My level of stress was pretty much congruent to the stress of most of my classmates. I don't think she understands. Anyway this REALLY hurt me. I feel so defeated and betrayed. I just want to DO IT now. I want to become a CRNA and show her that I can. I don't want to become a CRNA to prove to her, but her unfortunate disbelief in me is fueling me to accomplish this.

    I want to reiterate that plans for CRNA or ACNP are on my agenda but I want to be in the trenches first. Gain my experience, and get my feet wet.

    I feel defeated by her. This is definitely not what I need starting out as a brand new baby nurse in a few days.

    I guess I'm asking for some lifting up. I need some support and advice. 😊
  2. 23 Comments

  3. Visit  SoldierNurse22 profile page
    24
    Considering your mom didn't coach you through nursing school and clinicals, I wouldn't give her opinion of your abilities the time of day. Is she a nurse herself? A professional in the medical field who'd actually have some sort of knowledge of your skills or implied lack thereof?

    Either way, you made it through school, you're gainfully employed, and you're looking to your future. You're doing what most new grads do--starting work and planning for tomorrow. Don't let your mom of all people pull you down.

    Will you be supporting your mother? I'm assuming the answer is yes as you indicated you'd be taking care of her. If I were you, I'd tell dear ol' ma to hush, sit, and either be supportive or be quiet, especially if she'll be sitting on her tush while you're bringing home the bacon.
    miranda819, Paws2people, angikat, and 21 others like this.
  4. Visit  duskyjewel profile page
    18
    I don't understand what's wrong with some people. I have an ambitious daughter, who wants to be an aerospace engineer and work for NASA. My job is to be her cheerleader and biggest supporter! Why would someone ever tear down their own kid, especially when their kid is expressing a desire to advance and improve themselves?!

    I'm sorry your mom did this to you, but know what? Her attitude has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with her. Do your thing.
    CrazyGoonRN, NursingN.C, angikat, and 15 others like this.
  5. Visit  jadelpn profile page
    16
    Because you are taking care of your mother, I am assuming she is not well and can not take care of herself or live on her own?

    It is difficult to say the least to be an adult child taking care of a parent. Parents hold opinions regarding a number of things, one of which is "why would you pay good money to be that stressed?"

    I would drop discussing future plans with Mom at present. Get settled into your new place, your job, your life. First things first. You can think about future career goals once you have gotten your feet wet. It is important to maintain focus at the tasks on hand.

    Know that Mom is perhaps a tad defeated that she is in a place where she needs to live with her grown child. It is a change in family dynamic. It is a loss of control. So she may say dumb stuff to just put her 2 cents in that she is still the mother. And that's ok. Be in a place where you can say "I appreciate your input, but in rethinking I spoke too soon. Let me get experience and we shall revisit this at another time".

    Don't be in a place where your parent is goading you into a place you don't want to be. Think about your actions, and do not revert into a child-like stance of "I'll show you!!" Which can and does happen when there is a role reversal.

    Finally, if this gets too out of control, think about seeing a counselor. They can help you will stress reduction, with your new family dynamic. And if Mom is too much for you to deal with on your own and working full time (which happens, nothing to be ashamed of) then you need to think about a companion for her, an adult community center for her to bring her to present and help her feel useful. Even a part time job, volunteering...

    But first things first. Settle, breathe, and one foot in front of the other.

    Best wishes!
    nightbreak, marydc, newohiorn, and 13 others like this.
  6. Visit  StudentOfHealing profile page
    9
    Fortunately her now full time job will become part time soon (little income for her own spending). She still has plans to improve her own education. She's a massage therapist herself. Plans to become an instructor of massage therapy partly due to a medical condition which makes it harder and harder to actually massage.

    She can take her of herself, she has really bad rheumatoid arthritis that is beginning to become debilitating though.

    Thank you so much for everyone's enlightenment, I was not aware how this MAJOR role reversal would affect her. The dynamics are definitely changing and it makes total sense that this may be somewhat frightening/different for her. She has been a single mother and in control of major aspects of my life like finance since I was about six years of age. I am pretty young myself, turning 22 at the end of this year! So again, I can see how this may be stressful for her.

    Once again, thanks! 😊
    StNeotser, RunBabyRN, poppycat, and 6 others like this.
  7. Visit  Esme12 profile page
    9
    I think your Mom is coming from a place of concern. Maybe she saw how hard you worked and how stressed and worried about her child being so stressed. Your Mom will be YOUR Mom forever and she will always worry. Tell her it is apart of the process and becoming the best you can be...she may have some empty nest issue too!

    Remember...we're here for you too!!!!

    ps...we have "talked" you are very smart and have a lot to offer. You KNOW I think you have the ability to be a CRNA
    RunBabyRN, poppycat, KelRN215, and 6 others like this.
  8. Visit  Balto profile page
    2
    As jadelpn stated, family dynamics have changed. Once an adult child begins taking care of their parent, I do not think the parent's approval of said child's career decisions is appropriate. Keep this is mind & do not let her stop you.
    Paws2people and RunBabyRN like this.
  9. Visit  AmyRN303 profile page
    6
    I agree with Esme. This could be coming from so many places....mom wants to protect you from the stress she imagines you would face, or perhaps she is concerned about what will happen to your relationship when and if you return to school. Because she's also going through a transition period, this may well be the way she copes with all of the changes. She's moving in with her child, cutting to part time. Even though those are positive things for her, they're also losses in one aspect. I'd give it time, and not discuss that far into the future with her. Allow her to transition to the new "normal", and focus on being that rocking nurse we see you can be!

    Coming from a fellow new nurse here: I already think you're a rock star from your thoughtful and intelligent posting. You'll definitely be capable of that CRNA program when you're ready for it. I hope you have a great first day at your new job and hope you'll update us on how it went!
    RunBabyRN, abbnurse, Wheels28, and 3 others like this.
  10. Visit  Been there,done that profile page
    1
    1.) Focus on yourself and your needs. The first year of practice requires that you do so.
    2). You and your mother have relationship issues that should not be analyzed on a public forum.
    3.) Feeling defeated by your mother requires professional counseling.

    Best of luck.
    Balto likes this.
  11. Visit  Blindsided profile page
    3
    Wow, you've been getting some super good advice here! So, I have nothing to add except I've got you on my shoulders, I'm standing up now, getting on my tippy toes (only 5'3"), and now I'm lifting you up!!!
  12. Visit  iluvivt profile page
    2
    You will always want your mothers love support and approval. You may not always get it and that is why it hurts! It does sound as if she loves you though is is coming from a place of concern love and worry. You are however will not let her concerns dissuade you from reaching whatever goal you set for yourself. I would try at some point to ease her fears and tell her your plans to pace yourself and cope with the stress as this seems to be her concern. The imperative for most mothers to protect their child is pretty darn powerful!

    If you however, do not get the support you seek you must not let this STOP you. You are a young adult now and can carefully weigh all your options . You can be your own cheerleader...you can figure out a way to make it happen. You are the one that will have to live with the decisions you make and walk the path so you need to be strong and take the path that you see will fit best with the goals you set for yourself.
    RunBabyRN and StudentOfHealing like this.
  13. Visit  TheCommuter profile page
    9
    When I was the OP's age, I did not discuss future plans with my parents because they were not exactly my biggest cheerleaders when it came to most things related to schooling.

    They loved me, but they also came of age during a time in this country when a young person could secure lucrative employment right out of high school in a steel mill, factory, power plant or unionized shop. They failed to realize that those days were gone forever by the time I graduated high school in the late 1990s.

    To them, college represented a very costly risk that might not result in a reward, whereas entering the workforce immediately after high school was "guaranteed" to result in a paycheck. This line of thinking arose from knowing no one in the family or their personal social circle who had ever thrived after receiving higher education.

    To keep a long story short, I entered the workforce immediately upon high school graduation because, as my parents' only child, I was heavily influenced by their desires. Although I had been accepted to three regional state universities during my senior year, I couldn't attend for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, I spent five years working a string of dead end jobs before I returned to school.

    To the OP: although I am well into my 30s and living several states away from my parents, I still do not discuss anything with them related to education or career. I have enrolled in an RN-to-BSN degree completion program, but they would not see the point in that. After all, to them I am "making good money," so why return to school?

    I also stopped seeking their approval many moons ago. You are bright with a good head on your shoulders, and if you want to be a CRNA someday, go for it. I wish you the best of luck!
    RNperdiem, RunBabyRN, poppycat, and 6 others like this.
  14. Visit  StudentOfHealing profile page
    7
    Thanks everyone. I really appreciate everyone's insight and encouragement.

    As it turns out she told me later that she was concerned the stress of CRNA school may pose a physical harm. She told me she saw my stress levels and sleepless nights (careplans the day prior to clinical LOL) and it worried her.

    I made a point that while CRNA education will be a stressful phase and obviously tougher than nursing school, that I will be prepared if I go that route. I have survived regular old nursing school stress. If I go that route by then I would have been a nurse for quite a while (more stress survival). While It wouldn't necessarily make CRNA school "easier", my stress management certainly would have matured even more by then.

    Again, thanks!
    Last edit by StudentOfHealing on Jul 4, '14
    angikat, RunBabyRN, poppycat, and 4 others like this.

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